· Chew-chew-chew, ha-ha-ha. The new teaser trailer for the Michael Bay produced Friday The 13th remake debuted at Comic-Con over the weekend. As with most bootleg footage, it's often out of focus, but how much focus do you really need to see Jason Voorhees slash his way through Camp Crystal Lake for the umpteenth time? [YouTube] · Whatever happened to Abel Ferrara? Good question. [Time Out London via MCN] · Heavily-hyped documentary (in the loosest sense of the word) American Teen fell surprisingly flat in its debut this weekend ($8,565/screen). Meanwhile, the phenomenal Man On Wire pulled in over $24K per screen in super-limited release. [Variety] · Miley Cyrus told Marc Malkin that "we're thinking this is our last season [of Hannah Montana]." And by we, she apparently didn't mean Disney — they shot back a quick response to his piece saying that the ball is in their court, not Miley's. [E! Online]

We don’t know whether to cry tears of sadness or sweet relief, but last night brought us the heartbreaking season finale of Dina Lohan’s dream come true: the Lindsay-free joy ride through the one of the most frightening TV family’s household that was Living Lohan. And despite all Dina’s efforts to convince us we should be happy for little 14-year old Ali and her double whammy of career success stories featured in this episode, the last few months have taught us that a role in the Troll remake and a single that makes our ears bleed do not necessarily a superstar make. But, as we’ve learned throughout the season, no matter how small these sad triumphs, if it weren’t for Dina and her never-ending flow of parental lessons, Ali would still just be some normal teenager allowed to go to the mall with friends and shop, instead of Dina's way of remaining the Mother Of The Century:1) Guarantee Daughter Flops An Audition By Giving Her The Script The Day Before! As we noted a while back, Ali is reportedly slated to appear in the “Worst Movie Ever Made,” a remake of cheap horror dramedy Troll. And though it’s quite obvious to everyone else that the producers are intent on casting a Lohan to get their movie some publicity, Dina manages to make the situation as difficult as possible by handing her the script one day before her audition. But we can’t really argue with this nugget of wisdom: “If you’re a really good director, you will know and you will see if someone has talent whether they know the lines or don’t know the lines.” 2) Show Support During Said Audition By Telling Daughter, "You Don’t Need Mommy"! After noting how scary it can be for someone like Ali, who doesn’t exactly have the most mature parents in the world, to meet real-live “adults,” Dina responds to her tween’s meager request for assistance during the meeting with the flick’s director by telling her, “You don’t need mommy.” Way to bolster her chances for an inevitable estrangement “just like Lindsay!” And that's a wrap! While we have yet to learn whether or not they'll be a Season Two of Living Lohan, one thing is certain — whether or not Ali succeeds in her career, Dina will surely find a way to continue to keep her name in the news. After all, isn't that what living Lohan is all about?

For those of you who have been following Molly McAleer's To Do videos, you know that there are a stable of recurring characters who join Molls in her daily pursuit to keep you abreast of what's going on in Los Angeles. From real-life friends like Edward, Kendall and Alexis to pretend-life adversaries like Lindsay Lohan and Jessica Felix, you just never know who's going to show up. Tonight's installment, in which Molls revisits an old friend not seen since early May, is no different. Enjoy!· Bloc Party at The Glass House. · Blue Monday at Boardner's. · Kelly Morgan presents "THE ARTIST'S WAY WORKSHOP" at the Bodhi Tree Bookshop (warning: this one costs $365).

On one hand, we're sort of ashamed to have doubled our knowledge of Chinese culture today with one glance at the Los Angeles Times. On the other, a spoonful of sugar — or, more specifically, of Kung Fu Panda — made the medicine go down that much easier as we learned the deep angst gripping China in the wake of the film's success. It's not frustrating enough, evidently, that DreamWorks usurped Chinese authority over everything from animation to the sacred panda itself; rather, the hero Po's abject laziness and mild prurience has an angry 1.2 billion souls searching as we speak:

If—and that's a mighty big if—you've been clamoring for a glimpse of Repo: The Genetic Opera, the rock musical Paris Hilton has been plugging on every one of her dozen or so conciliatory David Letterman appearances, well, then, do we have good news for you. Just days after its U.S. premiere at Comic-Con, a clip of the movie—which takes place in a horrific future in which everything looks like mid-'90s Meatloaf video—has surfaced on YouTube. And wouldn't you know it: it just so happens to be Hilton's big number! Flanked by her two Black Party-rejectee henchmen, the triple-threatening heiress makes the most of her cameo, playing, as best as we can figure, a really terrible singer in a Bettie Page wig who loses basic motor functioning whenever Windex is injected via pneumatic syringe directly into her genitals.

As a world on edge waits to hear whether Mutt Williams will ever wield a whip again (we're hearing some encouraging news that his pinkie is out of critical care!), we bring you all the latest in the Shia LaBeouf could-have-been-much-worse DUI nightmare: · Sgt. Tressa Gunnels is amazed the injuries weren't more severe. Also: She's bad ass. [KCAL] · The rap sheet! [ET] · Shia was at The Troubadour at a Lemon Sun and Rumspringa show before the accident: "[He was] dancing around and acting really crazy...He kept doing shots of whiskey...He stayed until the band was done and then stumbled out of the club by himself." The female passenger in the overturned car was his Australian Transformers 2 co-star Isabel Lucas, pictured here moments after boyfriend Adrian Grenier's generous offer to polka-dot the stripes out of her. [Us]· Grenier, meanwhile, is reportedly displeased that she was out partying with LaBeouf at 3 a.m. Asked for a status update, Grenier was reportedly "testy...and refused to comment." [NY Daily News] · Shia's mom Shayna LaBeouf spoke to reporters from Cedars-Sinai, where she's been with Shia since the accident. She said he's "doing fine," and was close to tears as she said "thank you, thank you," to concerned fans. [E!] · Gold Derby blog's Tom O'Neil takes out his gilded switch and raps Shia lightly on his non-injured hand. If you expect to win Oscars, young man, we'll need to see some shaping up in the DUI truck-flipping department! [LAT] ·Transformers 2 co-star Tyrese was asked if he thought the reported month-long hiatus might affect Shia's involvement in the film, to which he responded: "A month? He won't be in the hospital for a month. He just hurt his hand. He can afford a private nurse." [MTV]

Just when things seemed to be coming up roses for Lindsay Lohan, none other than (surprise!) Mother of the Century Dina has jumped on the chance to turn two otherwise non-items into full-out scandals reminiscent of Lohan’s cokepants days. First, reports surfaced that her cigarette- and hickey-delivery girl Sam Ronson refused to play vocally challenged Ali Lohan’s new single at a DJ’ing gig last week because she felt the song was “really bad.” Not exactly breaking news, right? Thanks to Dina and Living Lohan, we already know anything Ali squeaks out won’t turn her into the next Whitney Houston (or even the next Lindsay). Then, over the weekend, TMZ reported that Lohan and Ronson were victims of a hit-and-run bicyclist while taking an innocent walk home after a night out in New York, ending with Lohan in the hospital. And so what? It’s not like Lohan was the hitter-and-runner, and any hospital stay without the phrases “asthma attack” or “fainting spell” attached to it is fine by us. But courtesy of both Michael Lohan and Dina's consistently yapping mouths, we will know have the pleasure of associating both stories with the phrase, “bull doodie”:As TMZ claimed on Saturday, Lohan was driven to a local NYC hospital after the lovey dovey lesbian duo were out late Friday night and a wayward biker struck the seemingly soberific star. After her both her rep confirmed the hospital stay to TMZ, and a hospital source stated the same details to the NY Post, the wonderful beacon of maternal guidance that is Dina tells the Post today that the entire story is "bull doodie." And! Even Michael Lohan, surely the runner-up for Long Island's Father Of The Year trophy, chipped in to assure the same paper that Lohan texted him over the weekend to say she was "fine, Daddy." Hey, who needs hospital sources and reps when you've got parents like that to bring the truth forward with oh-so-believable rebuttals? As for poor Ali, the Post reported over the weekend that notoriously smug (when it comes to musical taste) girlfriend Ronson had the nerve to turn down Dina's request to play the tween hack's new single at a NYC party — but today, Ronson reportedly took to her MySpace page to shoot down the rumors, calling the deafening ditty a "fucking great pop song." Which is sweet, until you realize that Ronson doesn't actually like pop songs — though we'd instinctively suspect Dina of instructing child-for-hire Cody to bust into Ronson's blog and write the entry himself, we prefer giving our favorite scissor-kicking couple the benefit of the doubt here. Maybe Lindsay does call Michael "Daddy." Maybe Ronson does love Ali's music. And maybe, just maybe, "bull doodie" is the new "crack is whack."

Variety reports today that 20th Century Fox and Hallmark have reached a landmark licensing agreement granting the greeting card giant exclusive use of the studio's library. While Hallmark has already issued cards for properties like Napoleon Dynamite and has its eye on major titles including Futurama and The Sound of Music, Defamer wrangled a hold of mockups for Hallmark's "Turbulence at Fox '08" line — a selection celebrating the beauty and joy of life through Fox's bumpy year at the box-office. Follow the jump for a glimpse at warm greetings to come by way of Manoj Night Shyamalan, Eddie Murphy, The X-Files and others, and feel free to suggest your own heartfelt pairings as well.

For a guy who proclaimed back in 1999 that he only had one second of his fifteen minutes of fame left, Mark McGrath has proven to be a resilient feature on the entertainment circuit (and our weekly Dirt Sandwich) for well over a decade now. Sadly, though, it looks as if that streak may be coming to a close. Today's New York Post reports that the brass at celebrity infotainment staple Extra are looking to salvage the ratings-challenged show by axing both McGrath and his comely blonde co-host, Dayna Devon. Reports have these roles possibly being filled by Bayside High's most successful alum, secret chest shaver Mario Lopez. [NY Post]

On the Manhattan set of Gossip Girl, Leighton Meester tried to use her script to shield herself from the sun, photographers, and any Blake Lively/Penn Badgley full throttle make out sessions. Meester doesn't mind that her co stars are enjoying their relationship, it's just that she minds the fact that it happens all the time: in between takes, while setting up the lights, while at lunch, in line at Starbucks, Waverly Inn and on the L train. Meester said, "I love people in love, but sometimes, you need to be considerate of those around and take it into a dark alley or your trailer."

After an intense period of debate, stroppy siren Keira Knightley has reportedly rejected Paramount Vantage's request to digitally enhance her breasts in publicity photos for its fall drama The Duchess. It's a devastating blow to what remains of the studio's thinning clout, what with pink slips subbing for napkins in the cafeteria, its Oscar legacy threatened by a genre-mediocrity torrent to come, and one of its biggest stars steadfastly refusing to be... well, one of its biggest stars. It's not like there's not precedent here, however. Follow the jump for more, including a glimpse at Knightley's previous brush with the 'brush.

Hot on the paw heels of the news that Ryan Seacrest was devoured by sharks over the weekend, comes word that Gordon Ramsay, the blustering British cook who yells at cooking school dropouts for a living, was viciously attacked by a puffin. He is expected to live. What's going on? Are animals rebelling against the most rich and glittery of our species? We'll take a look at some other celebrity animal attacks after the jump and try to detect a pattern.

After last year's Ryan Seacrest-in-the-round extravaganza, today comes more exciting news about a significant shakeup in the Emmy Awards format: This year's ceremony, scheduled for September 21 at the roomy Nokia Theatre, will be presided over by the five nominees in the new category of best reality host. (The shape of the stage is still under wraps, but we hear ABC is toying with an M.C. Escher-inspired endless staircase design that will provide raked seating for days!) Seacrest, nominated for his hosting duties on American Idol, will be joined by Survivor's Jeff Probst, Dancing with the Stars's Tom Bergeron, Deal or No Deal's Howie Mandel, and Project Runway's Heidi Klum. We've run promotional photos of all five hosts through our Defamer Combine-O-Tron 2000 (patent pending; any similarities to Late Night's If They Mated completely coincidental) to see what the host would look like if they melded them into one. The result? A not-particuarly-telegenic überhost, and distant cousin of the rare and wonderful pigkey! [Photos: LAT]

Mary Lynn Rajskub, 36, has given birth to her first child: a son, named Valentine Anthony. The father is her man-candy gym-trainer boyfriend Matthew Rolph, 28. Congratulations to both parents. We know we'll sleep a lot easier knowing the 24 star will no longer be visited by cravings of putting a hollow-point bullet in the world's skull. [People]

Ashton Kutcher broke a land speed record on the weekend as he left a Los Angeles area Kabbalah center. According to witnesses on the scene, Kutcher looked like a streak of white lightning as he jaywalked jayran across the street. Kutcher was apparently in a rush to get a white party, but the onlookers thought the My Boss's Daughter star should use his skills elsewhere. One witness said, "With the way that guy was running, you'd think he's the Flash or something. Maybe he should stop the acting thing and fight crime or try out for the Olympics. USA could clean up with that kind of speed."

· HBO prosthesiscore drama Tell Me You Love Me has abandoned its second season, with series creator/Jodie Foster tabloid companion Cynthia Mort releasing a statement explaining the creative team was "unable to find the direction of the show for the second season," blaming in part "the considerable amount of time" since the first season aired. Translation: "None of us could recall what any of our whiny characters were fighting about, and the shock of a set of slapping latex balls has sort of worn off." [Variety] · Ellen Barkin, Ving Rhames and Rob Corddry have begun shooting on indie spy comedy Rogues Gallery—de facto work stoppage be damned! [Variety] · Gilmore Girls' Alexis Bledel will star in The Good Guy, a romcom also starring Andrew McCarthy, Anna Chlumsky, and several other of your formative crushes. [THR] · Studio, a show about Studio 54 and set in that cokeopolis's heyday, is coming to Showtime, with Bryan Singer in talks to direct the pilot "if his schedule permits." We have a feeling it'll permit. [THR] · Family Guy showrunner David A. Goodman will adapt Last Blood—a comic about "human survivors of a zombie massacre who find themselves protected by a band of vampires who need their blood to survive"—into a feature. ("That reminds me of the time we feasted on Zsa Zsa Gabor at Frank Sinatra's house in Palm Springs. [Cue flashback].") [THR]

A memorial rummage through the Siskel and Ebert At the Movies archives over the weekend turned up a never-before-seen clip making their program's recent dissolution all the more lamentable. To wit, behold the critical duo in their prime, debating the merits of the then fledgling MTV series The Hills. "The movie paints a tragic picture of mindless, aimless, violent and destructive behavior," Ebert notes, nevertheless endorsing the saga as a trenchant read of contemporary youth culture. His late partner Gene Siskel concurred, clearly challenged by the "hyperrealism" of its internecine 20-something Hollywood warfare and Spencer Pratt's complex douchebaggery; in their squirms and haunted eyes, the two bring an emotional resonance likely to stop miles short of new At the Movies hosts Ben Lyons and Ben Mankiewicz. And so what if Siskel and Ebert's insights sound suspiciously like those from their 1995 review of Kids? Greatness makes its own coincidence. [Songs About Buildings and Food via Fimoculous]

The signs, as they say, were there. A rough-and-tumble kid from the hard streets of Echo Parque, Shia LaBeouf traded in tubesteak and greasepaint as a child, raised by hot-dog-vending clown parents. (A profession, if the lessons of Momzo are to teach us anything, which can frequently lead to movie star delinquency.) It would not be long before his magnetic screen presence and deft improvisational skills would catch the eye of a Hollywood in a desperate search for its next everyman superstar. But while he seemed up to the tasks of blockbuster movie-making—whether sexing a hyperdeveloped co-star on the hood of an anthropomorphic Camaro, or getting thwacked in the balls by jungle vegetation—it was off-screen that LaBeouf began developing a reputation for recalcitrance. Shia, they whispered, was capital-t trouble.There was an arrest at a Chicago area pharmacy—for, as he tells it, disturbing the Walgreen's peace on an alcohol-fueled cigarette and Clearasil run. There was an unlawful smoking citation in Burbank, and a bench warrant issued when he failed to appear in court. And there was that leaked video of a Five-Fingered Mexican Roulette session, in which the adolescent superstar taunted his slap-fight sparring partner with a gay slur. Of course, that was was all just the overture for what was to come. Sunday morning at 2:30 a.m., LaBeouf made a left turn at the corner of LaBrea and Fountain. It was a seemingly simple driving maneuver made less so by three crucial factors: 1. The oncoming car didn't break in time. 2. He was drunk. 3. Michael Bay didn't shout, "Cut! Print! OK, let's move on to the Soundwave breakdancing sequence. Hustle, people—we're losing daylight!" through a bullhorn at the end of it. From the LAT:

The Mummy: Tomb Of the Dragon Emperor star Brendan Fraser used the oldest excuse in the book ("I'm the star of the films that this ride is based on!") to get ahead in line for the "Revenge Of The Mummy" ride at Universal Studios Hollywood. Fraser flexed a few muscles and signed some autographs for the park's guests until his pen ran out of ink. Fraser then explained that the ride needed his final approval before being officially opened to the public, then cut in front of a whole pack of 9-year-old boys who had slept in line for the ride overnight.

Madonna broke into the public consciousness not because of her vocal talents, but because of her catchy tunes, dance fever, and suggestively nymphomaniac tendencies. But now, the nearly-50-year old has finally morphed into the modern day Britney Spears: she's forcing unwilling male stars to pull down their pants, she's making headlines mainly due to a messy divorce, rumored affairs and plastic surgery rumors. Just as the British tabs begin to accuse the failed director/actress of going under a very sharp knife, it seems as though the exercise addict has used her seduction technique of shooting B-12 shots into hunky acquaintances’ butts. But this time around, unlike the soaring success story that was Justin Timberlake’s energizing vitamin-equipped ass, her second attempt on quasi-ex-husband Guy Ritchie’s newest leading man, Gerard Butler, left the poor man’s Clive Owen “severely ill.” Butler’s tale of Madge’s terrorist attack on his “little bum,” plus the allegations being made about how the extremes the Yankee doodler’s “grueling” beauty regime have affected her oddly sharp cheekbones and “popping veins,” after the jump.Cameron Diaz' ex and 3000 star Gerard Butler (we keep trying to forget that we first noticed him in Phantom Of The Opera even though every time we see his now-rugged face we can't help picturing him over-earnestly busting out "Music Of The Night") is fortunate enough to be starring in Ritchie's upcoming Rocknrolla, which means he was unfortunate enough to run into Madge at some point during filming. And as we learned months ago, the Ritchie groupie is always equipped with a baggie filled with needles filled to the brim with Lindsay Lohan's favorite "asthma attack" cure, Vitamin B-12. But according to Butler, the normally healthy kick to the ass advertised extensively be Madonna's most fickle supporter/critic Justin Timberlake, "the injection failed to boost Butler's immune system - and left him feeling worse than before." Even more embarrassing for Madge, Butler describes her as "the nurse" on set. Meaning she's gone from platinum singer to failed director to failed on-set medical assistant. Frankly we don't blame her if she did get some "filler in her cheeks," as a Daily Mail plastic surgery believes. A little nip and tuck, which, in Madonna's case, doesn't look as horrific as the tab makes it out to be, can go a long way in boosting one's self-esteem. Just look at Bat Face victim Nicole Kidman — it's almost like she never looks unhappy, even when she's so bored by her husband's music that she nods out for a while! [Photo credits: Splash]