When the city shook this week, scattering whole herds of TV paragons from their studios in bug-eyed panic, one institution stood firm: Dirt Sandwich. Better yet, the week's greatest hits in entertainment news saw it all, from Billy Bush's pants-soiling to Mark McGrath's penultimate humiliation as the outgoing host of Extra! to the seismic justice rocking Judge Judy's courtroom. And when the Earth stilled, there were Elizabeth Taylor and Miss USA (among others) to give the aftermath a touch of awkward class. Yes, behold Dirt Sandwich, as assembled by noble Defamer videographer Molly McAleer — monolithic, omniscient, sturdy and altogether delicious. Take a bite, won't you?

If there's one class of people that consistently draws the ire of the Republican party, it's celebrities. Perhaps mindful of the fact that all the cool kids in Hollywood vote Democrat, the GOP is forever on the attack against celebrities, their political views, and all they represent, and John McCain's attention-getting "Celebrity" ad is just the latest example. Yessir, there's nothing the Republican party hates more than celebrities.

For better or worse, this summer has been all about the action movie franchise — their stirring heroes, their ghastly villains, and the enduring good vs. evil standoffs that keep them going. Bold Defamer videographer Molly McAleer is one of those heroes in the making, having today taken shelter against the onset of monsters outside her Koreatown redoubt. Yet while she never misses a beat in bringing you your weekend To Dos, a few key loose ends will no doubt require at least two sequels. For starters, you don't even want to see the Wrath of Molls when someone dares threaten her beloved young son. We smell blockbuster. Have a good weekend!

There really are no lengths to which some will go to secure their access to the top-notch goods and services provided by Defamer advertisers. Nudge one aside in an overhead storage compartment, you could find yourself eating a Blonsky Sandwich, and being transported via medicopter to the mainland for immediate treatment. Would you like similar protection from our sometimes overzealous readership? Everything you need is right here. Thanks to: E!, Sci Fi Channel, Sobieski, Stolichnaya, The Wackness, and Unscrew America.

· The Ivy Chronicles, a Sarah Jessica Parker project about an "upper-middle-class New York mother" who loses it all, has signed The Devil Wears Prada writer Aline Brosh McKenna take on the screenplay. And we just grew a set of ovaries typing that. [THR] · The Prince of Persia, Disney's Bruckheimerian take on the popular video game series starring Jake Gyllenhaal as the shirtless, saber-wielding warrior, has been delayed by a full year. Excuse us for one moment, will you? THERE IS. NOOO. GODDDD!!!! OK! Back! [Variety] · Nicolas Cage and director John Carpenter are close to signing on for Scared Straight, about a wayward teen held hostage during a jail riot who turns to prisoner Cage for a way out. Cage agrees, but not before making the teen his bitch. [THR] · Thomas Jane will play the lead in HBO's pilot Hung, an hour-long "dark comedy" about a man with an enormous manhood, and all that that implies. And we think you know what we mean. Yes, we thought so. [THR] · Speaking of ubiquitous Dicks, Dick Wolf's pilot Lost and Found has been picked up by NBC. It involves law enforcement and crime-solving of some kind. [Variety]

Word just over the Defamer transom reveals that Hairspray star Nikki Blonsky and her father were arrested after an airport brawl that left the Golden Globe-nominated actress in a neck brace. Reportedly, on a stopover in Turks and Caicos during her long flight from Long Island sweets-slinger to pugilist diva, both Nikki and Pa Blonsky went to war rather than move their luggage for an unnamed woman. More details — including a cameo by an America's Next Top Model contestant(!) — after the jump.

Would you pay $150 to see a "weird, bald man," as KCRW radio host Nic Harcourt lovingly described Moby at a fundraiser last night for KCRW at the Malibu Performing Arts Center for the experimental station? Well, a few hundred people had no qualms with the "Little Idiot," as Moby likes to call himself, and shelled out big bucks in the name of sustaining their favorite local radio station.

Free from the vapid small talk she's forced to spout on MTV's The Hills, co-star Audrina Patridge finally has her own blog, a forum where she can finally unfetter her voice and speak from the depths of her very soul ("First I use the Dermalogica face cleanser, then the toner, and then Active Moist the moisturizer!"). In between pitching skin care products and admonishing paparazzi for spying on her (then using those pictures on her blog with a Splash photo credit), Patridge operates an advice column called "Ask Audrina," where the boring sample questions are quickly outshone by the icky, feeble requests from the comments section:

Our hearts go out today to Mindy Kaling, the Office co-writer/producer/star who last night confronted the indignity of Indian-American typecasting in a wrenching appearance on Letterman. That said, to the extent we acknowledge her Emmy-nominated prime-time offerings over the last few years, we also think it best for everyone's sake that her call-center appearance in Baby Mama — complete with accent admittedly lifted from The Simpsons' Apu — found its way to history's dustbin with no more damage than it caused during last night's broadcast. We guess we can all laugh about it now, but hear the full, traumatizing story after the jump. Stay strong, Mindy. [CBS]

In a startling example of accidental domestic terrorism, the CDC announced today a major breach of its "Dane Cook Cloning" program, begun in 1997 when weaponized anthrax was found "simply not annoying enough." Clone DC-01 escaped his holding cell two weeks ago (distinguishable from his progenitor only by his tattooed sleeves), finally appearing in public to try his hand at terrible, terrible stand-up comedy during last night's episode of Last Comic Standing. The experiment was a success. We are all doomed. [NBC]

Go ahead and cancel whatever plans you have Sunday afternoon: People Magazine announced today that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's most recent celebrated offspring will make their photographic debut on the rag's Web site Aug. 3 at 4 p.m. PDT. "We're thrilled to be able to feature these pictures in People," the magazine's managing editor Larry Hackett said in a statement to the AP. "They will delight our readers who have followed the growth of the Jolie-Pitt family."The cost of the photos has yet to be officially disclosed, with most estimates ranging between $10 million and $15 million and any proceeds going straight to charity. Really, though, no charity is greater than the soft, pulsating glow sure to radiate forth from little Knox Leon and Vivienne Marcheline, their infant peace held over from an extended, restful sojourn in the Presidential Suite of celebrity uteri. People got a bargain.

We know we gave Rosie Perez a hard time for her little Seth Rogaine gaffe on the Late Show the other week, but we kid because we love—and have since we first glimpsed her beating the shit out of the Do The Right Thing credits to "Fight the Power." On The Tonight Show last night, Jay Leno inquired as to the inspiration for her bitch-on-wheels flack character on Lipstick Jungle. As it turns out, the creation is based on a very real woman who wouldn't hesitate to plunge a pen in an eye and let the chain-attached clipboard dangle from the hollowed socket if it meant keeping a pushy gatecrasher out of an A-list-only event. Any guesses as to the Satanic flack's identity? [The Tonight Show]

Jeremy Piven further cemented his reputation as one of the most rebellious actors in Hollywood on Thursday afternoon. The Very Bad Things star boldly drove around Malibu while talking on his cellular phone, which is now an illegal activity in California. Piven said, "Headsets are for nerds ands squares and I'm not a nerd by any stretch of the imagination." Then Piven flexed his muscles and gunned through the light.

Allow us to recap the long, strange saga of Verne Troyer and his live-in girlfriend Ranae Shrider: first, there was the sex tape. Then, there were the accusations and overly detailed explanations of the erstwhile Mini-Me's sexual prowess. Now Troyer is accusing Shrider of assaulting him in ways that will no doubt give Mike Myers some new ideas for Austin Powers 4. Says TMZ:

She may be unable to share with her child's father the spoils of his critically spoojed-upon turn in what is well on its way towards becoming the highest-grossing movie of all time ($14 billion on Tuesday alone!), but all is not dark for Michelle Williams. The actress has reportedly found comfort in the arms of Torrance Community Dance Group captain Spike Jonze. The Daily Mail has been keeping a respectful distance from their blossoming love:

What is a loud, developmentally disabled summer action blockbuster to do when even Hollywood's biggest quote-whore critic won't endorse it? That's the dilemma facing The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor, which, at this time Thursday, was packing a 0% approval rating on Rotten Tomatoes. What a difference a day makes, however, with a glint of support finally peeking through the mounting opprobrium. In the spirit of fairness and equal time, after the jump we salute some of the independent thinkers and/or drunks brave enough to stand up for Rob Cohen's crapterpiece — even including a Pulitzer Prize winner!

Where does a 75-year-old comedienne go after being banished from British TV for cussing out Russell Crowe? Well, if you're Joan Rivers, you pick your filthy mouth up off the floor and move on to the next logical place for your brand of blue humor: a Girl Scout fundraiser in Orlando, Florida.

'90s icon Sharon Stone attempted to use her star power to talk he way out of a parking ticket. Stone said, "Usually, I could just get away with an autograph head shot or my charming smile. But with this generation of meter maids, they always want a little more than you're willing to offer. Nobody wants a ticket, but I'm not going to do that to get out of it. I'm not that desperate." After serving Stone with her ticket, the meter maid explained why she turned the offer for a signed headshot. The parking enforcement officer said, "I already have her autograph. I already have a lot of autographs. The walls of my bonus room look like a dry cleaner's with all of the headshots. I'm got enough Sharon Stones. I need some Hills cast members though."

First came news from the Sheriff's Department that Shia LeBeouf was not the one responsible for his spectacular accident in Hollywood early Sunday morning. But surely he was not to be forgiven—pitied, maybe, as he underwent emergency hand surgery to restore his Echo Parque gang-sign-delivery capabilities—but not forgiven, for the police stated the actor "exhibiting obvious signs of intoxication." Not so, says his Transformers: Rise of the Fallen Machines director Michael Bay, who's convinced of Shia's innocence, and tells Access Hollywood he'll be writing his injuries into the plot:

Welcome back to Defamer Attractions, your regular guide to new hits, misses and dead ends this weekend at the movies — and considering our sudden passage into the August filmgoing doldrums, we could use all the guidance we can get. Still, Batman's dark shadow stretches into its second week while another, stinkier franchise will do all it can to vanquish The Dark Knight at the box office. Meanwhile, we fear for Kevin Costner, have a film-festival darling in mind for this week's Underdog pick, and have a bleary-eyed glance at the latest DVD releases as well. As usual, our opinions are our own, but they're also essentially failsafe, so read them and weep! Literally!