Defamer's Intern X files this report comparing the first round of Marlon Brando tribute ads in the trade papers. One thing is clear: Movie studios really relish the chance to throw a little money at pretending to care about the death of a screen legend. If it were financially expedient, each ad would be accompanied by the tatters of a garment supposedly shredded by a mourning studio exec, or a little vial of their tears. In the meantime, full-page spreads will have to suffice.

The Smoking Gun continues its shallow vendetta again Sharon Stone, publishing a document from California's labor commissioner ordering that Stone pay former assistant Deana Bolton $19,382 in back overtime and vacation wages. Please join Defamer tomorrow afternoon as we lead a parade of aggrieved assistants from the talent agency corridor of Wilshire Boulevard to the Kodak Theatre in Hollywood, celebrating this momentous victory in the battle between Tinseltown peons and their rich, unappreciative bosses. At the end of the parade, we'll change the giant tote-board in front of the Kodak to read, "Hollywood: 13,784; Wage Slaves: 1" in commemoration of this joyous event, then toss hot Starbucks coffee at an effigy of Stone. Sorry, Sharon, someone had to lose eventually.

It looks like LA is finally reversing NY's talent-sucking tractor beam, as the LAT has nabbed the New York Observer's Maria Russo for the new position of "assistant entertainment editor for criticism." [Ed. note—You can't see us, but we're nodding and pretending we understand what that means.] According to LA Observed, The LAT is also sliding TV critic Carina Chocano (pictured at left) across into a film critic chair to replace Manohla Dargis, whom the NYT kidnapped in the middle of the night like a millionaire's baby.

Last Friday, Defamer attended a screening of the premiere episode of Entourage, the new HBO dramedy about the life of a hot, young actor and his hangers-on. We couldn't really hear a word of the show in the crowded bar (Star Shoes on Hollywood Boulevard), or see the monitors very well over the high-fashion, deliberately-mussed hairstyles of the young wannabe crowd (celebrity-free, it should be noted—this wasn't the premiere, just a party to generate some word-of-mouth buzz). It took about an hour for the paranoia that we were being secretly taped for a behind-the-scenes look at "Hollywood Douchebags Unknowingly Laughing at a Show Skewering Them" to subside, but once the free vodka kicked in, our obsessive hunt for hidden cameras gave way to an obsessive hunt for the appetizer tray.

· Hollywood Out of Ideas 10, Cruel Irony Edition: Kim Cattrall is finally willing to show her tits on camera, and now Warner Brothers decides to sign up for another Police Academy movie. Where was her libertine spirit when her on-screen sexual tension with Steve Gutenberg was begging for some full-frontal? [THR]
· Mena Suvari joins the cast of the strange, ill-conceived Ted Griffin re-imagining of The Graduate mythology (whatever, it's a sequel). We love her recent work in Six Feet Under, so too bad she's playing Jennifer Aniston's sister. Hold on, we smell a taboo itching to be broken! [THR]
· UPN tapes Amish teen reality show on the down-low to avoid criticism. They are really in for a backlash when news of their super-secret pilot for Black-Hatters Gone Apeshit In Gentile Society leaks out. [Variety, sub. req'd]
· Is Miramax's Harvey Weinstein going to MGM? Who's buying MGM? No one knows anything! [Variety, sub. req'd]

Blog American Idle thinks our charity dollars might be better spent cramming sandwiches into celebrity mouths. (Click on the picture to see the full version on his site.) But if you're going to send Mary-Kate Olsen a care package to give her a little relief from the depravation of rehab, you might want to hire a private courier. The postal service has dogs that sniff out the stuff she probably wants.

The Daily confirms the rumor we'd heard shortly after it was announced last week that Mira Sorvino and boy-toy-turned-bridegroom Chris Backus married at a Santa Barbara courthouse: there was a big, Armani-sponsored wedding coming soon on the Italian island of Capri. The Daily's report also slyly reminds us that Sorvino raided the struggling-actor's cradle, slipping in this line: "Backus looked mature beyond his 22 years in a classic gray morning suit, complete with waistcoat, pinstriped trousers and a jacquard white tie..." Alas, there are no thinly-veiled references to Sorvino's supposed pregnancy or whether Backus kept trying to bus the tables at the reception.

Our newly-appointed Correspondent On Former SNL Star Mind-Control Rays files this dispatch on the casting of the upcoming Will Ferrell/Nicole Kidman update of Bewitched. According to our correspondent, Ferrell is using his newfound box-office clout to populate the movie with his friends and former co-stars [all-caps theirs]:

Both Rush & Molloy and Page Six hit the Cameron Diaz video this morning, noting that a cease-and-desist letter has been fired off to Scandal-Inc, the website currently distributing Cam's on-camera love affair with a can of freon and some light, Home Depot-style bondage. But Page Six ignored Fleshbot's review and actually plunked down the US$39.95 for the video, and offer their own summary of the yawn-inducing proceedings. [Ed. note—We're guessing that's an abuse of the NYDN's expense account, and demand that they conduct an audit. Really, who pays for porn on the internet?]

Ben Affleck illustrates why those in Hollywood feel compelled to share their political opinions. OK, that really isn't fair; it's also the reason they demand top billing, the biggest trailer on the set, and a shorter actor with which to pal around and win Oscars.

Blogger A Fly On The Wall reports that electronic listening devices ("bugs," in the parlance of espionage) were found in Disney CEO Michael Eisner's office on the company's Burbank lot during a "routine" security check over the July 4th holiday weekend. Just to make sure everything was nice and bug-free (tiny microphones do wreak havoc on an office's decor), some furniture was hauled away, ostensibly to be replaced by furnishings vetted by Disney's anti-spy squad. We've unfairly imagined Eisner as a disturbed paranoid, fortifying his office against bloodthirsty shareholder mobs. But it appears his fears were justified. What's that saying? "Just because I'm paranoid, doesn't mean there's not a highly-sensitive, covert listening device hidden in the area that Mickey's privates would occupy, were he not rendered as a rodent eunuch"?

Variety's wedding announcement, with the economical elegance of its prose, nearly gets it right. Our brief note is in italics:

Paris Hilton's new Guess ads seem to recreate that magic moment just after a white-clad hunk happens across a spread-eagled, skanky celebutante and just before she suggests they retire inside for a little camcorder sex in front of a loud Chris Rock concert. We must say, it's really an effective evocation.

Michael Schneider of the Franklin Avenue blog shares his own story of Method Man's apparent issues with his temper after reading our post about Meth's shoving match with Method & Red writers Phil Lord.

Defamer's Friday night trip to a local, dive-y karaoke bar evolved into an impromptu concert by actors Jason Schwartzman (Rushmore, etc.) and girlfriend Zooey Deschanel (Elf, etc.). Deschanel (along with less famous actress pal Samantha Shelton) treated the crowd, chiefly compromised of a drunken birthday party, to a fantastic rendition of karaoke staple "Bette Davis Eyes." (Seriously, the girl's got incredible pipes—she did her own vocal work in Elf.) Less successful was their group's attempt at Billy Joel's "Moving Out," as Schwartzman and an unidentified male pal's, ahem, untrained voices didn't quite match the gal's harmonies. Remember when Schwartzman was the drummer for Phantom Planet? There's a reason he was hitting things with sticks instead of fronting the band. We're just sayin'. (Please, no e-mails from PP fans touting Schwartzman's vocal abilities. We heard what we heard.)

Something about being saddled with an utterly retarded name seems to make celebrity offspring a little precocious. Infant Apple Martin, the progeny of Gwyneth Paltrow and Coldplay singer Chris Martin is already cruising Friendster in search of online companionship. She's still growing her personal network—right now only Daddy and Madonna are her friendsters (is there something we should know about?), but it can't be long before young Apple's plea is answered and Coco Arquette seeks refuge online from her, like, totally embarrassing parents.

· Harvey Weinstein and Michael Eisner are poised for a showdown over Miramax at the Sun Valley conference, where rich Hollywood studio heads kiss the jewels of billionaire media conglomerate CEOs. Will it be Harvey's or Mike's dangly bits that emerge well-puckered? Will someone finally scare up the $5 billion to buy MGM? We're swooning from the suspense. [THR]
· A guy we've never heard of set to star in incredibly dull sounding drama Boston Legal. It's still just The Practice, don't be fooled by the unknown actors and play into David E, Kelley's evil, no-name casting plans. [THR]
· Wendy Makkena, probably best known as that tiny, shy nun from the Sister Act movies, is set to play Jason Alexander's wife in Listen Up, the CBS comedy based on the life of Tony Kornheiser. TV needs more tiny nuns showing off their acting chops. [THR]
· Scott Wolf, Party of Five's former alcoholic clown Bailey headed to Everwood to sex things up. Treat Williams just doesn't score high enough on the WB's "teen girl tingle scale," so re-enforcements were needed. [Variety, sub. req'd.]
· Harper Collins makes a deal for the Sean Connery autobiography, with the contingency that he spends no more than 10 pages discussing the last 10 years of his career. Also, at least half of the book must be a photo essay ruminating on the hirsute splendor of his James Bond-era chest hair. [Variety, sub. req'd.]

Yesterday, Rush & Molloy (NY Daily News) ran an item about director M. Night Shymalan's supposed opposition to the SciFi Channel's airing of the documentary The Buried Secret of M. Night Shyamalan, in which SciFi's camera followed the director as he filmed his upcoming The Village, due to a "pivotal event" from Shyamalan's past that the doc crew uncovered during filming. Included in the item is the ludicrously ominous quote, "There's one secret that's surrounded by others. We felt that we were finding breadcrumbs through this forest and we followed them." Um, right.

Long-raincoated step-blog Fleshbot took a night off from plugging quarters into the peek-a-boo booths of the Big Easy and spent hours scouring Usenet groups for the full Cameron Diaz "softcore" video. Fleshbot on a porn-hunting mission will not be denied; a review of the video is now up.

Today's Rush & Molloy column has more post-mortem on recently-expired screen legend Marlon Brando. The reclusive star was fiercely protective of his privacy, and his surviving friends and family are insuring some questions have only vague answers.