Trust us, we were looking forward to a Spears-free day more than anyone, but circumstances have once again intervened to render that a silly pipe dream.

If you had any doubt about what the Kabbalah Centre's real mission is (besides the hilarious subjugation of weak-minded celebrities), consider this: Top Kabbalah brainwashing technician Yehuda Berg is throwing a party to celebrate the release of his evil-eye deflector's user's manual, The Red String Book, at the Kitson boutique on Robertson, the new Promised Land of Hollywood retail. (Presumably, the Centre's plans to hold the book party inside a gigantic Fred Segal bag full of cash fell through.). All things considered, there's no better place than Kitson for celebrating your freshly-discovered brand of spirituality among your bestest friends (usual suspects Paris, Demi-Ashton, and Lindsay will be there) and the ridiculous furry boots you'll soon be accessorizing with your red string bracelet.

· Matt LeBlanc is already preparing for the day when he can't pretend to be severely retarded on sitcoms. He's close to selling a drama, The Prince, to the WB, which his company would produce. [THR]
· ABC wins this week's ratings war in the 18-49 demographic. NBC's Jeff Zucker, CBS's Les Moonves, and Fox's Gail Berman will spend the rest of the day randomly firing people and questioning the very nature of reality. [THR]
· News Corp. is planning a sports network to take on ESPN, but the decision is dependent on their negotiations with the NFL for broadcast rights. Don't they already have a sports network? Hello? Fox Sports Network? They have a building on Pico, filled with hundreds of people working on Fox sports network programming? Maybe this means they're all fired and should walk out today. That would be fun. [Variety, sub. req'd.]
· Tony Scott's Keira Knightley bounty hunter flick Domino corners the market on creepy actors, signing up Christopher Walken and Mickey Rourke for its cast of thousands. [THR]
· More Fox going apeshit news: Rupert Murdoch promises to up Fox's production slate from 14 films a year to 20-25. Next year, look for the simultaneous releases of Garfield: The Movie II-X. [THR]

In their nearly daily update on all things Disney, the LAT reports that embattled, glacially-retiring CEO Michael Eisner thinks things are all rainbows and teddy bear hugs in the company. Better yet, he assured investors that when he finally turns over the keys (read: messy suicide), the fun won't stop. "It's in my interest that when I leave, the company is in good enough shape that it will take a decade to screw it up," said Eisner, before pulling his Mickey ears down tightly on his rigid brow. "And on the day I step down, I'm going to scale the Matterhorn and summon the mighty winds of Hurricane Ben Franklin. The sky will open and the entire Magic Kingdom will be washed away in a purifying deluge of hundred dollar bills. Yes, everyone will perish in the flood, but my beloved Mickey shall live on."

Howard Stern announced that he's taking his show to Sirius Satellite Radio (in January of 2006, when his current radio contract is up), where he won't have to worry about FCC fines every time he says "anal sex" or spanks a stripper with an assortment of deli meats. Oh, yeah, he's also getting an unbelievable pile of money for attempting to carry satellite radio on his back, as Variety reports the five-year deal is worth $500 million (including the show's budget and its other expenses). No, we're pretty sure that's not a typo, since the Var article mentions the figure twice. Finally, Stern will be fairly compensated for asking Jennifer Aniston if she's ever made out with a woman.

South Park troublemakers Trey Parker and Matt Stone have finally made uneasy peace with the f-word and fellatio tabulators at the MPAA ratings board, as their puppet movie Team America: World Police ultimately got the R rating they needed for release. The R will be accompanied by an explanation that the movie contains "graphic, crude and sexual humor, violent images and strong language all involving puppets." [Emphasis ours.] We hardly even need a movie after Stone and Parker got the MPAA to admit there's a completely different ratings standard for marionette fucking. Even better, they got a discussion of water sports into Page Six:

Rodney Dangerfiled died today at 82 years old. Don't let the headline fool you—Dangerfield's Thornton Melon in Back to School and his work in Caddyshack are two of our favorite comedic performances ever. (As a matter of fact, our earlier remark that "the whole world is going to be there" is a clumsy reference to Melon's huge party in Back to School.)

We'd love to think that this photo of (now skinny, brunette) Renée Zellweger illustrates that celebrities aren't above the law after all. But we know that one phone call from Zellweger to the right person in Traffic Violations would result in an unlucky meter maid's family being drowned in the Pacific.

[Photo: lime-light.org]

1. The Groundlings, boot camp to virtually every comedian in history (OK, we're slightly exaggerating) celebrate their 30th anniversary with a gala at the Henry Fonda. The whole world is going to be there, yet no one invited us! Typical.
2. We swear we're not getting Tower Records payola, we merely feel a responsibility to let you know that William Shatner is signing copies of his bizarre new CD, Has Been, tonight at Tower on Sunset Boulevard.
3. Tonight's Concerts for Change at Largo has David Cross, Greg Behrendt and Aisha Tyler, but the main event is the first L.A. screening of David O. Russell's Iraq war documentary, Soldiers Pay. Looks like only standing room tickets are available, so cram up against the bar and check it out.

Media elitist sister site Gawker hears a rumor that the Olsen twins, everyone's favorite squirrel-eyed, mass-impaired moguls-cum-coeds, might have discontinued their rigorous freshman studies at NYU. Before you get any crazy ideas, they haven't committed suicide; teenagers that rich have too much to live for, and we're sure their DualStar corporation's officers have installed the necessary "meal-ticket loss prevention" mechanisms in their 5,725-square-foot chipmunk palace. Of course, their reps were quiet when Gawker got ambitious and tried to confim the rumor, but a "no comment" from an agent's cagey assistant sounds a lot like a confirmation to us. Let's see if a publicist issues a denial so we can send the girls some Santa Monica College transfer forms.

Maybe our invitation to the "Macaulay Culkin might be gay" party got lost in the mail and we're arriving fashionably late, but Popbytes reports that he's been romantically linked to "animal rights activist and television spokesperson" Jeffrey Brunner and isn't denying it. OK, whatever, we blame Chris Columbus, you go Mac, etc etc. We only bring this up because the Popbytes story says Brunner was linked to former MTV mannequin Simon Rex, who, of course, was once involved with Paris Hilton. If there's a chance any of this is true, we have no choice but to recommend that Culkin cut off his penis and avoid further Hilton cross-contamination. He'll thank us later.

While the Boston Globe's Alex Beam's one-night stay in the Britney Spears Foundation Room at Beantown's Onyx Hotel certainly sounded like a subpar hospitality-industry experience, he may have surrendered himself to Britney-smearing fervor a tad too fully in describing the room as the "fourth circle of Hell." Indeed, the failure of the room's audio-visual amenities left him with no entertainment options other than a Spears DVD, and that's not exactly our cup of tea, either. Yes, the room's "decorated by a syphilitic whore in a gold Rush mining town" aesthetic certainly didn't allow him to achieve comfort in his surroundings, and the minibar Cheetos offered no prospects for gastronomical relief for his otherwise affronted sensibilities. But unless Beam found himself repeatedly roused from sleep by a man in a color-coordinated, velour "Pimp" tracksuit attempting a forced impregnation by his demonically efficacious, background-dancing seed, perhaps he should refrain from the Alighierian hyperbole. Beam clearly has no idea what Hell is like.

AND ON THE SEVENTH DAY, God said, "Hey, Kilmer, maybe it's time you learned your motherfucking lines? People, can we please keep that bush lit? It's supposed to be my physical representation on Earth, OK? And what do I have to flood around here to get someone to write a song I can hum?" Producers of the disastrous The Ten Commandments have canceled their next three shows and have scaled back the number of weekly performances at the Kodak Theater in order to "retool" the musical. The show should be back in a couple of days, but we doubt they can teach Val Kilmer how to sing, burn down the theater in atonement for hosting an affront to God, and rebuild it again and still make Thursday's call time.

Hollywood PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are sent in by our readers. Send yours to tips@defamer.com and let your favorite pop star know that she looks a little busted without all that make-up caked on.

· Yes, we realize this is incredibly boring, but bear with us: International TV market free-for-all MIPCOM is off to a strong, busy start in Cannes with is a "more glamorous and ritzy atmosphere" than previous years. The trades have yet to report if Hollywood execs find the Euro to be a more pleasing a bathroom-tissue substitute than the old French currency, which really produced some undesirable chafing issues. [THR]
· Donald Trump is in negotiations with NBC for scripted drama set in the Trump Towers. It's official: The Donald has officially branded tiny NBC head Jeff Zucker "Trump's Bitch." [THR]
· Troy writer David Benioff will tend to Hugh Jackman's mutton chops in Fox's X-Men spin off, Wolverine. Now Fox needs to keep Jackman off Broadway (and Matt Damon's lap) before he loses all action-star credibility. [Variety, sub. req'd.]
· In Bob Weinstein's most recent attempt to acquire the entire Asian film industry's output at pennies on the dollar, Dimension acquires rights to Korean horror film Ryeong (The Ghost). [THR]
· Head FCC snake-oil pitchman Michael Powell was interviewed at halftime of last night's Monday Night Football to sell digital TV to viewers. We hear you could hardly see Sony's hand up Powell's ass, making him tell consumers it's time to spend for an expensive, new TV. [THR]

ABC's strong early ratings from unconventional shows Lost and Desperate Housewives have Disney President Bob Iger helping his case to succeed embattled CEO Michael Eisner when he (eventually) retires. But it took some classic out-of-the-box thinking to start ABC's turnaround, like plugging shows by dumping promotional crap all over beaches like so many dirty syringes.

Paris Hilton has finally commented on her supposed use of the "N-bomb" in her alleged new, 12-hour, videotape sex odyssey.

A confused reader just alerted us to this disturbing passage in Jack Black's Wikipedia entry:

—Think you can tell the difference between the CBS dramas? TVGasm's quiz asks you to prove it. Come on, there's not really a show called NCIS. Stop jerking our chain, Moonves.
—Behind Ben Affleck's sarcastic SNL monologue is some genuine hurt. Hug it out, bitch.
—Thank God that Richard Gere is sharing his thoughts on Taiwenese politics. Otherwise we'd have to think about how badly Shall We Dance? is going to bomb.
—LAist/WFME's Paul Davidson eviscerates Hilary Duff's running style. Really, Paul, what did she ever do to you?
—What Court Papers Would Jesus File? Don't ask Mel Gibson to pray with you, or you could wind up on the wrong side of a restraining order.
—Anthony Kiedis busted his chili pepper with his dad's girlfriend. There's nothing at all creepy about that.

1. It's a well-established fact that we love free shows. Tonight, you can see Snow Patrol at Tower Records on Sunset at 7 p.m., then immediately hop in your car and head east to Spaceland, where Bloc Party won't begin until 9 p.m. at the earliest. Yes, this is an incredibly ambitious plan, but sometimes being cheap takes great motivation.
2. See a special sneak preview of The Hillside Strangler, the true story of a team of serial killers that wreaked havoc in Los Angeles in the late '70’s, at the Egyptian. Cast and crew members will hang around for a discussion; hopefully star C. Thomas "Pony Boy/Side Out/Soul Man" Howell won't bail before the Q&A.
3. Watch agents and managers troll for talent at the USC School of Cinema-Television's First Look Film Festival at the DGA, which gives "an advanced look at the next generation of filmmakers." But get there as early as possible, before the talent-hungry reps fill their pockets with whatever finger foods are provided and slip out the door.