An e-mail purporting to be from the lucky person who found Lindsay Lohan's purse in a NYC club (as presented in today's Page Six story) is burning up the internets, with these "scans" of her "lost" black AmEx card and driver's license attached. We thought we'd check the CA license number through the DMV to prove it's a fake (both items and the e-mail certainly are), but reading the fine print made us realize that's—how do you say?—illegal. More importantly, it costs 30 bucks, and that credit card number ain't gonna go through. For the time being, the authenticity of these cards will remain an article of faith, standing as our generation's Shroud of Turin.

Hollywood PrivacyWatch sightings are sent in by our readers. Send yours to tips@defamer.com and let Nicole Kidman know you find it strange that she never eats her asparagus.

Get excited! Up until now, Paris has always insisted on skipping directly to showing everyone her vagina.

Bereft of high-profile, superstar witnesses (let's face it, the endless parade of current and former Disney executives lacks sizzle) the The Hollywood Trial of the Century hasn't been capturing the town's imagination the way it once was. But in yesterday's testimony, Disney director Gary Wilson recounted how CEO Michael Eisner asked him to take Michael Ovitz out on a "boat ride" and "talk some sense" into him.

Lindsay Lohan, always ahead of the curve in all of her endeavors, wasted no time in getting herself embroiled in a lip-syncing controversy, "mouthing' her way through a couple songs from her new album on Good Morning America yesterday. Did a hangover make her sleep through her record label's preparatory seminar, "Backing Vocals 101: You're Supposed To Sing Over Them A Little"? This latest incident, probably staged for publicity once Lohan's people discovered that no one actually lynched Ashlee Simpson, immediately sent her reps into "damage control" mode:

· Bad news for fanboys: Justin Timblerlake may play Iron Man. Your rage is understandable; after all, he's too young to have had Iron Man Underoos. Also, he's Justin Timberlake.
· If a nipple slips and there are no cameras around to capture it, did it ever make a sound? No, it most certainly did not. [fourth item]
· A supposed screen-capture of Colin Farrell's penis in Tigerland elicits the following reactions from LiveJournal users: "Ewwwwww," "::vomits::," and our personal favorite, "I think I just died a little inside."
· Depending on how close you're willing to put your face to your computer monitor, this picture of Paris Hilton may or may not be safe for work. [via cityrag]

At the IFPIFP/New York's Gotham Awards, maverick director David O. Russell uses an amused Jim Carrey to demonstrate exactly how he will sneak up on George Clooney to apply a deadly headlock should the two ever cross paths again. Mark Wahlberg takes notes to alert Clooney of Russell's improved technique.

· Motley Crüe will announce their reunion for a world tour at a press conference in front of the Whisky A-Go-Go at around 5pm. Why not join them in totally unironic reminiscence of the finer moments from the "Smokin' in the Boys Room" and "Girls, Girls, Girls" videos?
· If the kind of desperate women likely to be fêting the Crüe's reunion tour aren't quire your speed, former Sex and the City writer Greg Behrendt discusses He’s Just Not That Into You: The No-Excuses Truth To Understanding Guys, at Barnes and Noble in Santa Monica. Discuss the book now before it becomes a truly unbearable romantic comedy in the near future.
· And if the He's Just Not That Into You crowd is still too much for you, check out whoever's bought a ticket to see Kevin Spacey perform the songs of Bobby Darin at the Wiltern. Unfortunately, we can't recommend a slower crowd than this as there's no Golden Girls convention in town at the moment.

Are you starting to get the feeling that a large chunk of Paris Hilton's day is budgeted for driving around Los Angeles, looking for opportunities to be photographed next to her image or her name? It's only a matter of time before this becomes a full-time gig, with Paris driving from boutique to boutique in a Hummer airbrushed with her likeness, stopping only to conspicuously have sex with whatever celebrities she bumps into at the stores. Someone call Fox, we think we've just stumbled onto a premise for The Simple Life 4.

Apparently taking a break from writing himself a movie in which he gets to have sex with a woman young enough to be his granddaughter, Woody Allen pens a "Shouts & Murmurs" piece imagining what it might sound like if lawyers called Mickey Mouse to the stand to testify in The Hollywood Trial of the Century:

If our idea for the Spanglish campaign doesn't work, Sony might try addressing their FYC materials directly to Academy voters' illegal maids. They're the ones who fill out the ballots anyway.

Sunday saw the debut of former EW/Time columnist/semipro VH1 1980s pundit Joel Stein's entertainment column in the LAT's Opinion section. Stein heroically expends his maiden column inches on a stunning exposé on reality television, which, much to our horror, does not always necessarily reflect reality at all! Had you ever clung to the crazy hope that Carson Kressley's lacerating wit was entirely his own, Stein's leak of a scripted outline for an episode of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy will send you scrambling for the refuge of a warm tub and a box of razor blades. But even these revelations aren't enough, as Stein's journalistic wrecking ball lays waste to so-called reality programs like The Osbournes, The Restaurant, and—No. He. Didn't.—The Simple Life:

When David O. Russell, the headlockin'est,newspaper-feudin'est director in town, ventured to Pixar's NorCal campus for a public chat with The Incredibles' Brad Bird on Friday, he obviously didn't spend too much time familiarizing himself with the studio's work. Russell made the mistake of invoking The Green Ogre That Shall Not Be Named, but somehow avoided being lynched by the crowd of animators. An attendee reports:

· Fresh from getting canned by Pat "The Iron Flack" Kingsley, former PMK/HBH No.2 Leslee Dart opens her own company—with a nice stable of her former PMK clients. [Variety, sub. req'd.]
· Ashton Kutcher looks to star in the drama Random Acts of Kindness, about a suicidal young man who is rescued by a reclusive novelist. The "rescued" in the logline suggest that the novelist doesn't fail in thwarting a Kutcher suicide, so interest in the project should immediately wane. [THR]
· Peter Sarsgaard joins Jake Gyllenhaal and Jamie Foxx in the Sam Mendes Gulf War project, Jarhead. Sarsgaard probably won't get the opportunity for any on-screen Kinsey-style full-frontal antics, but then again, don't ask, don't tell, etc etc. [Variety]
· Touchstone Television rewards Desperate Housewives creator Marc Cherry with a three-year, seven-figure overall deal. What does ABC owe him for saving their network? [THR]
· Renny Harlin will develop and direct a film based the graphic novel Full Moon Fever, in which workers on the moon who are attacked by werewolves. The producers should probably double-check that Harlin is still alive before they start casting those werewolves. [Variety]

Having exhausted seemingly every possible permutation of the "party that ends in a fight where someone takes a dramatic tumble into the pool" formula, TVGasm reports a rumor about how The O.C.'s writers will attempt to inject some life into the show's second season: [SPOILER ALERT] by embroiling Mischa Barton's character in some hot lesbian action. It all makes perfect sense; a little girl-on-girl is a time-honored way to grab some attention. Better to give Barton the standard bi-curious storyline than to undertake the far more difficult task of tastefully depicting the "we're fighing/we're fighting/now we're fucking" moment that finally would've broken the sexual tension between Coop and her patio furniture.

Blog Vividblurry obtains an advance (read: illegally downloaded) copy of Lindsay Lohan's first album and offers a review of the inevitable pop phase of her career. Naturally, it's impossible to consider Lohan's talents without invoking the work of the other giants of her entertainment peer group:

The weekend box office estimates, transcribed for your Monday morning pleasure:

FRIDAY
· If you don't get enough of the Hot Topic crowd at the mall, you can get your fill at the KIIS FM Jingle Ball at Arrowhead Pond in Anaheim. (Anaheim! Have you heard of it?) Snoop Dogg, Ashlee Simpson (featuring her guide vocals and saboteur drummer), and Avril Lavigne will all be there.
· If blogs are more your speed than Manic Panic, Buddyhead band Wires on Fire hit the Knitting Factory.
· No need to fear them, Donny, they're nihilists: Check out the Sixth Annual Nihilist International Film Festival at Track 16 Gallery in Santa Monica.
SATURDAY
· Discover the mysteries of downtown without going near The Standard: Spend at the Holiday Exhibition Gift Sale at the Brewery Arts Complex; stay for the Movement Party at the Palace Theater
SUNDAY
· West Hollywood throws itself a big street bash on Santa Monica Blvd. for turning 20, but will still bitch that it feels old, saggy, and that no one wants to sleep with it anymore.

We'd like to thank this week's sponsors, who always pass the blunt, even if we're sitting in the front seat of the car. If you'd like to reach the world's most influential, spend-happy consumers, see our ad info page.

This account of last night's B-list-riddled Motorola Christmas party can't save the sucker who might have plunked down big bucks to get close to celebrities in their natural habitat, i.e., in proximity to cameras and free drinks. On the other hand, how can we attach a price tag to an opportunity to get smacked by Bijou Phillips' purse? Some things have more than a mere monetary value.