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Sunday saw the debut of former EW/Time columnist/semipro VH1 1980s pundit Joel Stein's entertainment column in the LAT's Opinion section. Stein heroically expends his maiden column inches on a stunning exposé on reality television, which, much to our horror, does not always necessarily reflect reality at all! Had you ever clung to the crazy hope that Carson Kressley's lacerating wit was entirely his own, Stein's leak of a scripted outline for an episode of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy will send you scrambling for the refuge of a warm tub and a box of razor blades. But even these revelations aren't enough, as Stein's journalistic wrecking ball lays waste to so-called reality programs like The Osbournes, The Restaurant, and—No. He. Didn't.—The Simple Life:

In an upcoming episode, I found out, Hilton and Ritchie tell some kids that the best present for their daddy is to get him laid by their mom. So the women go to a bar to score some condoms. The producers had pre-interviewed a guy in a baseball cap who would agree to take them to his apartment to give them some rubbers. But the ever-confused Hilton and Ritchie went up to the wrong guy, who, not surprisingly, happily agreed to take them to his place.

At least Stein had the decency to let us cling to our most cherished belief: Paris Hilton is exactly as dumb as she appears on television.