Page Six continues its recent love affair with the world of ten-percenters, coyly withholding the name of a William Morris agent that's all but signed over his soul to the House that Ovitz Built:

Boston Globe film critic Wesley Morris is generously showing off the utterly useless, infrequently amusing crap that studios send out to curry favor with the media. Pictured: The inedible ham sent out to apologize for the flaming bag of dogshit originally left on critics' doorsteps to promote Christmas with the Kranks.

The rumor (originally spread at this DataLounge thread) that one of the Desperate Housewives cast was imminently donning a pantsuit on the cover of The Advocate to let the world know about her preference for female genitalia in matters of sexual gratification has spread through the media like Mexican tapwater through a Tijuana tourist. Now the always-reliable British tabs are reporting that the LPGA-loving Housewife in question is Marcia Cross. Says The Sun: "Everyone on the show is aware of Marcia's leanings, as is the rest of Hollywood." There you have it: If you believe the Brits, Cross will never blow another casting director again. The female casting execs in town, however, are doing a little jig over the possibilities.

· Not content to merely sit through the Super Sanitized Bowl, TVGasm recaps the proceedings in painstaking detail. Masochists.
· "If Michael Bay is a Ferrari, and McG is a Ford Mustang, Brett Ratner is a broken down Pinto with flat tires." So sayeth the IMDb message board for one Brett Ratner, although they're being incredibly generous to Bay and McG. We guess the analogy would've fallen apart if they used three Pintos.
· Hold on a minute...when did Half Pint get so gosh darn juggsy? And we don't care what anyone says, we studied the photo for hours and can't detect any kind of nipple slip. [via ToGawp/Fleshbot]
· Slate rates the Super Bowl ads. For the record, our favorite was the one where Burt Reynolds got racked by a guy in a cheap bear suit. Why stop with the balls, Smokey? Go for the kill next time.

· Naomi Kawase, "Japan's most famous woman filmmaker," (we can't name another one so we'll take their word for it) will appear in person to screen three personal documentaries at the Red Cat downtown.
· The DIY Convention at the Roosevelt Hotel teaches aspiring filmmakers, writers, and musicians how to give a finger to multimedia conglomerates and make their own creative products outside the system. Not covered: starving to death and dying in obscurity.
· Concert round-up: Burning Brides at Spaceland (free!); Mia Doi Todd at The Echo (free!); indie rock juggernaut Modest Mouse plays the first of three nights at the Wiltern (not so free!).

Now that Disney CEO Michael Eisner is getting comfortable with the idea of retiring from his post, it seems that the embattled lame-duck has fired the little gatekeeper in his head that stops his internal monologue from sneaking past his lips:

The Cinemocracy blog went hunting for the Citizens United billboards thanking Hollywood [Ed.note—See, we told you it was all Affleck's fault!] for helping George W. Bush get re-elected, reminders which "the Liberals will see as they walk down the red carpet outside the Kodak Theater." The Hollywood Liberals are going to have to really crane their blue-state necks while they process into the Kodak if they want to see the billboard rebuke—the closest sign is about four blocks away, and it's facing the wrong direction.

We received so many e-mails about this picture that our resolve has been broken and we're finally posting it, letting the question of whether or not it's a clever Photoshop creation hang in the air. Tsk, tsk, Hilary. We never would've caught Lindsay Lohan running around with a Trojan in her bag before she turned 18—but that's because Fez always struck as a bareback kind of guy.

Realizing that no one actually watches the Screen Actors Guild awards (it took only ten seconds of E!'s red carpet coverage to send us scrambling for a Room Raiders rerun on MTV), they've helpfully transcribed the acceptance speeches on the official awards website. Here, Jamie Foxx gets lost in the moment and does some Oscar pandering, then realizes that he might want to mention something about the statue that he was holding:

Defamer is committed to bringing together frustrated screenwriters with free time on their hands and agents willing to get a good working over. From Craiglist:

· Actors celebrating their own: The SAG awards throw a bone to the Sideways ensemble, while Jaime Foxx and Hilary Swank warm up for their Oscar speeches. [Variety]
· John Cusack takes a break from romantic comedies to to star in the hitman thriller The Contract with Morgan Freeman. We're unclear which of them is the hitman; both have previous contract killer experience. (See Grosse Pointe Blank and Nurse Betty.) [Variety]
· The delightfully jiggly Eva Mendes will star opposite Nicholas Cage in Columbia's Marvel comic adaptation of Ghost Rider. Daredevil's Mark Steven Johnson is directing, so you know this one's going to be huge. [THR]
· Pilot pick ups: a Fox sitcom set at a used car dealership, an NBC poker comedy, and a wacky, "high-concept" WB show about Miami mermaids. In related future news, networks will reduce their slate of new comedies to record low levels. [Variety]
· Tired of all that "fake crime" bullshit on the innumerable CSI and Law & Order series? A&E is launching the Crime & Investigation network for those who like their crime to have real victims. [Variety]

In a Sunday profile in the NY Times, The L Word creator Ilene Chaiken lets the world know that her show's not trying to inspire a Million Lesbian March on the National Mall. You can keep your rainbow flags, overalls, and buzz-cuts; at Showtime, it's all about the hot, girl-on-girl action.

On Friday, we were introduced to The Apprentice hopeful Kristen Kirchner's home page, the internet launching pad for the enduring post reality-television fame that is sure to follow her on-camera experiences with Donald Trump. Today, someone tipped us to the existence of a Kristen Kirchner "fan site," which features "stolen footage" of Kirchner berating a man on the streets of LA until he moves his "fucking piece of shit" car, allowing her to conveniently park her more expensive vehicle. The Donald will be so proud that his protege won't take no for an answer.

With Disney board members scheduled to start discussing their search for CEO Michael Eisner's successor, president and promotion hopeful Robert Iger has to be thrilled about Eisner's passionate endorsements in the upcoming inside-the-belly-of-the-Mouse tell-all, DisneyWar:

Welcome to your Super Bowl hangover edition of the box office numbers. You really should've passed on that last Michelob Ultra.

· ArcLight face-off coming: Rocky vs. Rocky.
· New blog alert, and this one's getting bookmarked immediately: Ugly Breast Implants [NSFW, via Fleshbot]
· Given all the Desperate Housewives outing chatter, this is certainly an interesting eBay auction title: "Female Perversions DVD Marcia Cross Nude lesbian stuff"
· Rick Fox stuns Hollywood dining companions by talking to regular people. Is he trying to destroy the entire social order?
· "LIKE WHT YOU SAY ABOUT OSAMA BIN LADEN: WE DONT KNOW A LOT - BUT WE ARE FRAID - BECAUSE OF 11.9. - SO WITHOUT ANY INFORMATIONS ABOUT THE ALIENS WE ALL FEEL NOTHING - WE ARE ALL CONFUSED BUT LETS SAY YOU NEVER WOULD HAVE SHOWED AN ALIEN IN SIGN - IT WOULD BE A DESASTER - NOBODY WOULD TAKE IT SERIOUS!!" A frustrated screenwriter reproduces e-mails of Alone in the Dark director Uwe Boll.
· Ossie Davis and Dean Wormer die. Hollywood holds it breath and waits for the inevitable third celebrity passing.

Friday
· The SuicideGirls will sign copies of their 2005 illustrated calendar and book at Meltdown Comics on Sunset from 6-9 p.m. Go and get your calendars signed, but for the love of God, if you try to shake one of their hands, please don't use your "special" hand.
· Panthers play the Echo tonight...but by now, everyone's aware that Beck has dropped in on two consecutive Friday nights for "secret" shows. Draw your own conclusions.
· Bruce Wagner recruits some famous friends to read from his latest novel, The Chrysanthemum Palace at Skylight Books. Oh, you probably want us to drop those names. OK, here you go, starfuckers: Dana Delaney, Beverly D'Angelo, and James Ellroy.
Saturday
· Because just one secret Beck show per weekend isn't enough: Check him out at Club 1650. In other concert-related news, the Elected are at the Troubadour and Lewis Black rants his way through the Wiltern.
· Daniel Knauf, creator/executive producer of HBO's Carnivale, speaks to the Alameda Writers Group about "Surviving Success, or I've Broken into Show Biz, Now What?" A drug problem and a slow descent into madness, usually.
Sunday
· Enjoy the Super Bowl and its delightfully metallic nipple-guard-free halftime extravaganza. At least let's hope so—we don't need to see Paul McCartney showing off those withered areolas of his.
· And for those of you who want to take your Super Bowl high-fiving to the next level, Silver Lake's very own Akbar hosts "Fag Football" starting at 2:30 p.m. Insert obvious scoring joke here.

The third season of The Apprentice came so quickly after the conclusion of the second season that you might not even be aware it's on, making it even more essential for the new batch of Trump dismissal fodder to erect incredibly ugly, Flash-heavy websites to maximize their inevitably brief moment in the spotlight. Our favorite part of Apprentice contestant Kristen Kirchner's website—and believe us, it was almost impossible to pick a favorite thing—are the "Kristenisms," weekly nuggets of wisdom from the hopeful candidate from Team Street Smarts. Here's a mindbendingly nonsensical taste: "If you use your brain, you won't stay in the game." How true, Kristen, how true.

A year after the destruction of the celebrity entity known as "Bennifer," Jennifer Lopez's engagement ring has made it back to jeweler Harry Winston's, where it's currently up for resale to "serious buyers." There's no word on exactly how the jeweler "reacquired" the ring, but Ben Affleck can't be happy that it's back in circulation. He thought the thing was gone for good after he spent his downtime last year crossing Mordor so that he could toss the ring into a volcano and dispel the evil curse on his career. Now it looks like somebody fished the cursed thing out of the molten lava and he'll once again be consigned to a life of Paychecks and Surviving Christmases.

We're a little late to this particular party, but there's a thread over at the DataLounge discussing the possibility that a cast member at Desperate Housewives (consensus seems to say it's an actress) is about to go all Cynthia Nixon on a mostly-unsuspecting public: