There are almost more Cruise-related items this morning than any one blog can tackle, necessitating a morning round-up. Pull yourself up to the buffet and lose yourself in the all-you-can-eat action of The Morning Cruise:

After the extreme emotional duress we experienced during yesterday's acquittal Passion, we couldn't even get through enough of this story to find out if they're talking about the revival of a music career, or plans for the greatest "sleepover party" of all time, featuring Jesus Juice in Capri Sun containers, a fresh shipment of Vaseline, and the largest gathering of cancer-stricken tykes since the aftermath of Nagasaki. Hey, when the llama bucks you off and doesn't kill you, you climb right back on.

· Even on a day where seemingly anything can happen, we still can't bring ourselves to believe that Paris Hilton's going to hang up the nightvision vagina and retire herself from the public eye.
· How many of these Jacko headlines will wind up atop tomorrow's tabloid stories?
· It's just like the Beverly Hills Hotel, but everyone's fucking in exchange for money instead of...well, it's exactly like the BHH.
· "Michael Jackson has been found not guilty of all charges in his child molestation case. Now what?" We think we don't need to spell out the punchline for you. But Slate will tell you "how Michael Jackson got off."

· Ken Smokler reads and signs Bookmark Now: Writing in Unreaderly Times at Book Soup. The essay collection includes contributions by Glen David "Carter Beats The Devil" Gold, Meghan Daum, and our personal hero, founding Gawker editor Elizabeth "Don't Call Me Lizzie" Spiers.
· Last chance to prove that you are way more culturally sophisticated than we can ever hope to be (unless the possibility of getting laid is involved): Into the Unknown, featuring works by de Kooning, Gorky, Mondrian, Pollock, and others finishes up its run at MOCA.
· Some music: Hot Hot Heat at Avalon; The Hold Steady at the Troubadour; Foreign Born at Spaceland.

Whether doing a little tap-dance of "Not guilty" joy across the top of his site, or suggesting that a district attorney be thrown in jail for doing his job, Matt Drudge always keeps it classy. This headline's going to get him his own Ferris wheel at Neverland Ranch.

Liveblogging the run-up to the reading of the verdict in the Michael Jackson child molestation trial...(new entries at top).

The NY Times profiles JP Williams, the mastermind of the Blue Collar Comedy Tour, who took a comedian with a single "You might be a redneck if..." joke and developed him and his good ol' boy pals into a lowbrow comedy juggernaut. But the Blue Collar crew isn't going to come right out and tell The New Blue State Liberal Pointy-Head Times whom they're targeting with their DVDs and branded, belching beer mugs:

Cruise: "Listen, the thing you've got to know about Katie is that she's an incredibly bright and self-determined woman. She makes her own decisions."

· Mr. and Mrs. Smith brings in $32 million in foreign box office, raising its weekend take to $83 million. Fox distribution head Bruce Snyder shows a flair for understatement concerning Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's tabloid ubiquity: "It certainly didn't hurt." [Variety]
· The Supreme Court lets stand a lower-court ruling that prevents multimedia conglomerates from gobbling up too many media outlets in a single market, temporarily putting off further media consolidation until someone can buy off a couple of Justices. [THR]
· Fox coincidentally fast-tracks the reality show Skating with Celebrities, which bears absolutely no similarity to the uncoordinated-celebrities-humiliating-themselves ABC hit series Dancing with the Stars. [Variety]
· Tobey Maguire is in negotiations to star in and produce the romantic comedy Quiet Type for New Line, the story of "an unassuming mute from a small town who moves to New York to pursue his dreams of conducting an orchestra." Also, the mute may or may not have a weight problem, depending on whether or not Maguire feels like working out prior to production. [THR]
· The Weinsteins continue to stay too busy to name their new company, but will distribute the puntastically titled Bruce Willis gangster thriller Lucky Number Slevin. [Variety]

The Lindsay Lohan/Jessica Simpson gang war is in full effect. After Lohan busted the ceremonial first cap by conspicuously denying Simpson entry to her MTV Movie Awards post-party at the Standard, the Simps (gang color: cornflower) went all "no you DI'INT!" and sent dad Joe (gang handle: Daddy J-Murder) to promptly commence the yanking of weaves in the tabloids. From Radar's website:

Citing the experiences of a "freelance production coordinator" and a "production manager" who once found someone to fill a job through a buddy list, Wired has put its finger on the cyberpulse of Hollywood and extrapolated identified a red-hot trend: getting work via IM:

Like a restorative splash of vodka in your Monday morning coffee, the box office numbers:

Hollywood PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are sent in by our readers. Send yours to tips@defamer.com (putting “privacywatch” or “sighting” in the subject line helps immensely) and let the world know that Elijah Wood has a special place to get his hair dyed.

Instead of going outside and enjoying the summer weather, why not relax in the air-conditioned comfort of your local multiplex? There's a dramatically reduced chance that you'll be attacked by a shark while munching on popcorn if it's done at a movie theater instead of in the ocean.

Join us in slaughtering the fatted calf to honor this week's sponsors, without whom, well, we wouldn't have a fatted calf to slaughter. If you'd like to advertise on Defamer and ensure generations of obese, sacrifical livestock for your family or shareholders, see this page.

It seems that E! has removed the section of the "Watch With Kristin" column that we linked to earlier, in which she claimed that Tom Cruise had a "meeting" with Jessica Alba (and had "placed a call or two" to Jennifer Garner) before falling truly, madly, deeply in love with Katie Holmes. We have no idea why the item was so hastily disappeared (why do we immediately picture one of Cruise's lawyers musing about what it would be like to own an entire cable channel?), but we have the full text of the deleted section after the jump:

· Weinstein acquisition mania: Bob and Harvey pick up the family fantasy pitch The Impossible Adventures of Phineas Roone as a possible franchise for their new house of pain. [Variety]
· Why is the press beating up on Tom Cruise? Because sister/publicist Lee Anne DeVette doesn't inspire the same kind of "I'll rip off your head, defecate down the resulting cervical cavity, then cut off access to my other stars" terror that Pat Kingsley once did. [THR]
· Insert joke about the cruel abuse of your inferiors: Scott Rudin will produce an adaptation of the fraternity hazing memoir Goat. [Variety]
· Paramount hires Coach Carter director Thomas Carter for more sports-related work, a feature about arrested Vanderbilt football recruit Marcus Dixon's life titled, um, Marcus Dixon. [THR]
· Hugh Jackman's Seed productions gets a first-look deal at 20th Century Fox, but obviously lacked the clout to stop Fox from hiring Brett Ratner to ruin his Wolverine meal ticket. [Variety]

Just one night after Tom Cruise lamely climbed atop Jay Leno's couch to continue his crusade against romantic credibility, publicity partner Katie Holmes sat down with Dave Letterman (and this time, we watched...sigh) to fulfill her contractual obligations...to love, of course:

When he's not making ruinous career choices or impregnating his fiancée, Ben Affleck keeps busy by delighting his friends with his impressive repertoire of genital-related shenanigans. Here, Affleck demonstrates his vaunted Boston Tea Bag (degree of difficulty: 6.5) for director pal Kevin Smith:

Various outlets are reporting today (though SorryIGotDrunk had a little info on it last night—God bless the internet news cycle) that Fox and Universal are going halfsies on a Microsoft bastard, teaming up to buy Halo (reportedly for half of the original $10 million upfront price, plus other concessions). In case you've suffered blunt head trauma and are having recall problems, you'll remember that CAA, Microsoft's pimp of choice, dispatched an army of green-armored men (or "Master Chiefs") to deliver the script to studios, most of which promptly passed.