No superhero movie campaign would be complete without a full line of toys to help maximize the thorough Hoovering of parents' wallets. But what happens when those toys totally suck? This is what happens:

Hollywood implores you to leave your backyard grills to gather dust and spend the summer weekend devouring their box office bon-bons. Do so, but in this exact way:

Join us as we joyously clasp the hands of this week's sponsors and parade around the May pole (er, July pole?) to celebrate their patronage. If you'd like to advertise on Defamer and reach the kid of people who could sign your product to a three-picture deal, see this page.

Hey, did you know it's Friday? That means it's time for a probably apocryphal (but nonetheless enjoyable) gossip-crumpet from the dirt-dishing troublemakers from 'cross the pond:

· Hollywood has finally decided that it's OK to make 9/11 films, as Paramount and Columbia Pictures both prep movies about the tragedy. Paramount's even fast-tracked its offering, directed by Oliver Stone and starring Nicholas Cage, obviously in a rush to help complete the nation's healing. [Variety]
· SAG negotiates a three-year deal to raise minimum pay and increase health and pension contributions for television animation actors. Meanwhile, reality-TV writers are suing studios and networks. [THR, THR]
· Fox "hoping for 'Fantastic' weekend," while we hope for ponies made of gold to fall from the sky and gallop into the distance. We're probably both going to be a little disappointed. [Variety]
· CBS easily wins Thursday night as the Big Brother premiere brings in only 8.7 million viewers, beating up on its rerun competition. [THR]
· On Endemol gameshow Deal or No Deal: ABC toss it and leave it, NBC pull up quick to retrieve it. [Variety]

You're invited!

Hyper-thyroidic, Flash-monkey brother site Screenhead digs up this nugget from Omarion's official website, in which the singer denies any connection to the publicist who released yesterday's flak-magnet "pray for the unhurt and not inconvenienced singer" press release in the aftermath of yesterday's London terrorist bombings:

Having enjoyed countless high-stakes gambling trips to Las Vegas and after starring together in the hit casino heist flick Ocean's Eleven, Hollywood pals Brad Pitt and George Clooney are taking the next, logical step: building their own casino. Reports Page Six:

As far as we can tell, Sony Recording Artist Omarion has remained safe since yesterday's tragic terror attack in London. Your publicist-requested prayers have been answered! (Your work isn't done, however; keep beseeching God so that nothing but Cristal touches O's lips on the first-class flight back to the safety of America, and that he's not delayed too long at airport security. And while you're at it, ask Him to make O's Louis Vuitton luggage miraculously tumbles through the baggage claim first—signing autographs while waiting for your bags is such a drag.) But while Omarion "suffered no injury or inconvenience," his publicist back in LA had to explain yesterday's curious press release to Reuters:

· What happens when a blood vessel in Zsa Zsa Gabor's brain bursts? The same thing that happens to anyone else, silly!
· If you ever wanted to make a flip-book of Mary-Kate Olsen on a trampoline, now's your chance. Seize the day. We won't judge.
· David Lee Roth might be taking over for Howard Stern once Stern jumps to satellite, but can one really replace Anal Ring Toss with the semi-deranged, stream-of-consciousness ramblings of a fading rockstar?
· Also, House of Cosbys has returned to Channel 101 after briefly being yanked because of a threat from the Coz's legal team. Go watch an episode now. [via BoingBoing]

· What else is there to do on Thursday night but see a concert? Eels at Avalon; Built to Spill at the House of Blues (we've lost track—have they been drafted to the indie big leagues of The OC soundtrack yet?); Abandoned Pools at the Troubadour.
· How did we wind up invading Iraq? Eh, "Stuff Happens"! (It's a David Hare play at the Mark Taper Forum.)
· Jessica Kaye and contributors read and sign Meeting Across the River: Stories Inspired by the Haunting Bruce Springsteen Song at Book Soup. If you're a Boss superfan and want to attend only to critique an author's attempt at translating a Clarence Clemons sax solo into prose, do everyone a favor and stay home with your Born to Run vinyl.

After spending all day checking CNN for the horribly depressing updates on the terrorist bombings, finally, some good news out of London:

Attention all visitors to Las Vegas: While you may have concerns about Elisha Cuthbert's career trajectory following House of Wax, it's highly unlikely that she's going to come to your room at the Palms for $47 to "run lines," no matter what this escort handbill seems to promise. (Scans submitted by a reader fresh off a Vegas trip, you can click the picture for the complete handbill.) But just in case you decide to gamble your $50 (obviously, you're prepared to tip) on the crazy chance that "Cathy" (a real girl, not a model!) shows up, the back of the flier promises to protect your faith in miracles: "NO OBLIGATION. If you don't like her send her back—NO CHARGE."

Last night, 21.8 million viewers chose an evening watching C-list celebrities trip the dance-competition light fantastic over stepping outside to breathe the summer air and witnessed General Hospital star Kelly Monaco crush the twinkle-toed dreams of Seinfeld's J. Peterman (real name irrelevant) on the finale of Dancing with the Stars. But even in this moment of triumph, plain-brown-wrapper-loving sister site Fleshbot won't let Ms. Monaco forget her Playmate past, providing a handy round-up (link potentially not safe for work) of places where the former Grotto-dweller can be seen in her full, pre-Bavarian-waltzing glory. Get an eyeful now, before her victory catapults her from the soap-opera ghetto to a three-episode arc on Desperate Housewives, where Teri Hatcher surely needs a quickly-disposable rival with a spectacular—if aftermarket-installed—rack.

The Writers Guild has just issued a press release announcing that they're assisting twelve reality-TV writers in a lawsuit alleging that the networks and production companies underpaid them and are violating California labor laws:

Is there something unsettlingly familiar about Johnny Depp's portrayal of Willy Wonka in the upcoming Charlie and the Chocolate Factory? The E! Online wonders aloud:

At the risk of seeming obsessed with movie promotions that are doomed to look botched and/or incorrect to at least half of the people that they're intended to reach, we point you to the NY Observer's Daily Transom blog account (disclosure: former "boss" and Defamer guest-blogger Choire Sicha made us quote-whore for another FF item on their blog) of last night's Fantastic Four premiere on Liberty Island, where reporters were hoarded onto ferries (we were instantly reminded of the ferry scene in War of the Worlds, except this time, riders were being carried towards danger) and treated to a fireworks display featuring the FF's iconic and very easily reversible logo:

· CD sales are down almost 7% from last year, while downloading (the legal kind) is up 104 million units. In response to the new Nielsen SoundScan numbers, RIAA lawyers are busy trying to figure out how to sue everyone who's ever bought a song on iTunes. [Variety]
· Fox News was the first American TV outlet to air reports of the London terrorist attacks; the network was also the first to tie the subway bombings to Democrat-friendly terrorists. [THR]
· Disney partners with Sprint to create a family-targeted cellphone service. Soon, every five-year old will own a Mickey-shaped mobile phone and talk into the place where the mouse's genitals should be. [Variety]
· Nothing says World War II like Mr. Reese Witherspoon and the guy from Bring It On: Ryan Phillippe and Jesse Bradford are set to star in Clint Eastwood's next project, Flags of Our Fathers. [Variety]
· 18 million people tuned in to watch MTV and VH1 veejays mindlessly babble over the historic performances of the Live 8 concerts. No one wanted to hear the Pink Floyd reunion drown out that TRL guy, anyway. [THR]
· And because every world-shaking story has a show business angle, the entertainment industry in London is shut down in the wake of the terrorist attacks. [Variety]

LA Weekly columnist Nikki Finke wiles away the summer hours by installing herself as a mogul in a fictional movie studio, then issuing a 12-step program (you know, so the current executives can relate) for saving Hollywood. But first, the disclaimers:

NY Times television critic Virginia Heffernan has fallen madly, irrationally, lock-the-door-and-tell-your-assistant- to-hold-your-calls- while-you-take-me-right-here- on-the-glasstop-desk in love with Entourage's agent-at-arms, Ari Gold (or Jeremy Piven, but aren't the lines of entertainment and reality always so tantalizing blurred on that show?), spilling out 1,100 words of white-hot ardor in today's paper: