Only if crows the size of a Lear jet descended from the sky, plucked out Johnny Depp's eyes, and spirited away a child-actor brunch could there be a darker harbinger of doom hanging over Sunday's Hollywood premiere of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory than Britney Spears' appearance in a themed t-shirt. Box office prognosticators should immediately adjust their opening weekend estimates downwards by $8-10 million.

· DreamWorks Animation is in trouble with a second straight quarter of disappointing DVD sales, an SEC investigation, and six pending shareholder lawsuits. We're starting to feel like it was a bad idea to sell our car to buy into mogul-in-miniature Jeffrey Katzenberg's Shrek-colored vision. [Variety]
· THR has yet another attempt to explain the downturn on European box office decline on sun-woshipping Germans. Left unexplored is the unpleasant possibility that God kind of hated Bewitched. [THR]
· And you can stick this in your Slump: Summer numbers might be down, but overall, studios are have taken in more money than last year. [Variety]
· On a slow Monday night, viewers prefer the culinary abuse of Fox's Hell's Kitchen to rubbernecking as INXS tries to replace their dead singer on national television. [THR]
· Poker is the new poker: Warner Bros. buys the rights to the book One of a Kind: The Rise and Fall of Stuey 'The Kid' Ungar, the tragic story of a poker phenom who died of an overdose. [Variety]

"Excitable" Marvel CEO Avi Arad is apoplectic over the beating his new X3 director, celebrated fauxteur and bon vivant Brett Ratner, is taking on the internets before a single frame of the latest installment of his certain-to-be-ruined franchise (There we go again! Bad internets!) has been viewed. Like a big brother enlisted to stop the unchecked flow of milk money into a bully's pockets, Arad defends the director on Zap2it.com:

Yesterday afternoon's chatter about manager Aleen "I'm leaving and I'm taking Orlando and Natalie with me, and probably Freddie Prinze Jr. because he cried and begged not to be abandoned" Keshishian's defection from The Firm to Brillstein Grey is substantiated in the trades this morning, but Page Six says that CAA, crazed with bloodlust after poaching away two of UTA's agents, was also in the mix:

And just like that, Sony steals Paramount's "new ideas are for pussies" thunder.

Despite new leader Brad Grey's executive restructuring of The New Paramount™, the studio still can't seem to stop taking hits from the remake crack-pipe. Is there some holdover from the old regime feverishly making deals out of a well-hidden janitorial closet, waiting to be discovered? Today's Variety reports that Paramount plans to remake Summer School, the Mark Harmon comedy vehicle* from 1987:

· It may not be "news," but it was definitely news to us: MTV's Andy "The Super Bowl is Gay" Milonakis isn't a creepy 14-year-old with a TV show, he's a creepy 29-year-old with a growth-hormone disorder. Do you get the sense that MTV isn't exactly publicizing this fact? [via ByronCrawford.com]
· Hey, unicorns!
· "Pa, pa!" "What's wrong, Half Pint?" "You gotta come down to the Olsen's Mercantile! Doc Baker is dead, pa!"
· Never mind that Russell Crowe's Oscar-winning Maximus was dramatically killed at the end of Gladiator, or that Crowe might be on "special phone-tossing hiatus" for seven years. Let's talk sequel!
· You expect us to believe that Madonna didn't write every word in her children's books? What's next, you're going to try and convince us that the rain isn't actually Jesus's tears?

· Author Elijah Wald reads from and signs his book The Mayor of MacDougal Street: A Memoir, the story of bluesman Dave van Ronk, whom KCRW's website says "ate a bowl of Dylan and Mitchell for breakfast and washed it down with a piping hot cup of Biaz." (Baez?) Tonight at Book Soup.
· Bespectacled inquisitor Greg Proops returns to Largo with the Greg Proops Chat Show. Tonight's guests include Craig "The Guy Who Took Over For Kilborn Still Has A Show" Ferguson and Largo music staple Jude. Tough questions will be asked, friends and memories made.
· Free music, if you're into that kind of thing: The Vacation and the Business Machines at the Troubadour, while The BellRays do Spaceland's magic, cover-free Monday night residency.

Apparently, Roosevelt Hotel revamping mastermind Amanda Scheer Demme's definition of the "really great, interesting people" that she wanted populating the new Tropicana bar doesn't include "guests of the hotel." After all, anybody with a credit card can book a room without being screened for their "great" or "interesting" qualities, potentially threatening to skew the great/interesting balance of the poolside area. A reader tells the LA.comfidential blog:

We'd hate to be accused of further spreading the rumor du jour...but then we remembered, yeah, that's what we do sometimes. Today's chatter is that manager Aleen Keshishian is leaving The Firm to become a partner at Brillstein Grey. And as with every defection rumor from the talent-managing ranks, there must be additional whispering about which members of her star-stable will be making the alleged journey with her, but we're not all that excited about any of the roster past Orlando "I'll fire the next person who recommends I carry a sword" Bloom and Natalie Portman. Most important in all of this, of course, is the chance for the smile of Agent Dance official mascot Ari Emanuel to brighten yet another Hollywood afternoon, regardless of the accuracy of above rumor; in fact, one rumor-mongerer practically demanded to see him beam from the computer screen.

Craigslist abounds with opportunities for people of all sizes, shapes, and ethnicities to make some quick cash while waiting for their acting careers to gain momentum:

While it may seem to the casual Lindsay Lohan observer that the starlet has toned down her partying ways lately, true fans (read: obsessed bloggers) know that the relative quiet on the Lohan front is due to her presence in Minnesota, where she's shooting Robert Altman's A Prairie Home Companion. Luckily, her antics have been captured by the local media there, where she's been seen getting carded and acting "hyper-active" while shopping at a local vintage clothing shop:

The LAT bribed Vince Vaughn with breakfast and pre-Wedding Crashers debut plug time, distracting him with enough eggs and bacon to induce the actor to hold forth on the differences between Trent, his catchphrase-spawning Swingers character, and his more recent comedic work:

· The Agent Dance, Trades Edition: Late Friday, we heard some rumblings about UTA agents Jason Heyman and Martin Lesak bolting for CAA, apparently because CAA was already calling the trades to brag about their poach. Now the question remains: Will Will Ferrell defect along with Heyman, loosening UTA's stranglehold on the New Gay Mafia and ushering in an era of comedies not packaged by The Ooota? Dave Chappelle is also believed to be "in play," should he ever return to commission-earning activities. [Variety]
· "Dissident former board members" Roy E. Disney and Stanley Gold drop their lawsuit against Disney and give a vote of confidence to new Head Mouse in Charge Robert Iger. The trio then held hands and skipped down to grab a Fast Pass for a celebratory ride on the Matterhorn. [THR]
· The UK entertainment industry refuses to let the terrorists win, return to work creating hit shows that will one day fail on NBC. [Variety]
· Overseas audiences continue to display their enthusiasm for watching America get decimated by aliens, as War of the Worlds has taken in $201 million thus far. [Variety]
· More international box office: Fantastic Four runs roughshod over the overseas box office, once again proving that we are not alone in our bad taste. [THR]

Fellow celeb Scientologists Kirstie Alley and Kelly "Travolta Had Me At The Experts, Once Arye Gross Showed No Interest" Preston have publicly joined Tom Cruise in the Church's crusade against psychiatry, but without any high profile projects to gain them access to a televised session browbeating Matt Lauer over his appalling lack of knowledge of the history of pseudo-science, they've taken up the time-honored practice of activist letter-writing:

A reader sent in these screen captures from yesterday's episode of Sunday Morning Shootout, featuring superannuated producers Robert Evans and Richard Zanuck, understandably wondering why Zanuck appeared on television wearing handcuffs (they are handcuffs, right?) on his left wrist. At the risk of exposing our ignorance about the sartorial quirks and/or incarceration history of white-haired producers, we must admit that we have no idea. Did Evans lend him a pair, suggesting that there's no better way to freak out an "out-call massage therapist" than by suddenly shackling one's wrist to her ankle? Has Zanuck placed himself under some kind of odd self-arrest until frequent collaborator Tim Burton has a hit movie? If anyone knows why he's rocking the jailhouse bling, please share.

It's Monday, you've just sat down at your desk, and you're still a good four or five hours from sighing meaningfully and accepting that there's a whole week between you and the freedom of the weekend. Enjoy the box office numbers:

· Butterscotch Stallion double-shot! Owen Wilson on his beloved nickname: "I love that. It has to be one of the most ridiculous, insane nicknames, but some of my friends have really picked up on it. I think they know it's kind of humiliating to me." Humiliating? Does a rainbow humiliate the sky? Also, the Stallion defiantly shakes his mane in Jay Leno's face tonight.
· "And quickly, a young, shrill, female voice came from backstage: 'It's LO-HAN! LO-HAN!!!'" Why is it so funny that Robert Altman can't remember Lindsay Lohan's name?
· Is it wrong to think that Quentin Tarantino is hanging out (or—shudder—sleeping) with Shar Jackson just for the kitsch value of being photographed with the mother of Britney Spears' layabout husband's illegitimate kids? Either way, nice mindfuck, QT.
· Catherine Zeta Jones' stalker gets three years in prison, a punishment previously established for Mel Gibson's scary prayer-buddy.

Friday
· A little creeped out by Johnny Depp's Jacksony version of Willy Wonka? You can see Gene Wilder's somewhat less unsettling portrayal tonight at CineSpace's Dinner and a Movie.
· If we weren't already headed to the Viper Room to hear Deathray (we swear they're the new Cars, Ric Ocasek-produced Weezer records be damned), we'd probably be reliving our headbanger past at the Judas Priest/Queensryche show at the Verizon Wireless Amphitheater. Or we'd be at Spaceland taking in some Tsar.
Saturday
· Celebrate Ringo Starr's 65th birthday (yes, he's still alive—for shame!) with a screening of A Hard Day's Night at the Egyptian Theater, including Things They Said Today, a documentary on the making of AHDN.
· Scandinavian psychedelic jam-rock? Yes, please. Dungen plays the Troubadour.
· Tilda Swinton fans rejoice, for the actress will introduce the Outfest screening of the mockumentary Kiki and Herb Reloaded at the Regent Showcase.
Sunday
· The Henry Fonda hosts the 2005 Smiths/Morrissey Convention...if this is the kind of thing you'd be interested in on your own, there's nothing more we can say to sell it to you.
· Flick an extended middle finger to the Fantastic Four (what, are we on a crusade or something?) and take in a documentary. March of the Penguins or Murderball will do nicely.

We were always a little bit suspicious that Katie Holmes' slavish devotion to Tom Cruise is some kind of post-hypnotic suggestion, subconsciously implanted by a innocent-seeming jaunt to Whole Foods spent listening to Dianetics on tape. After reading this W profile of Holmes, we're absolutely positive she's been mesmerized: