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LA Weekly columnist Nikki Finke wiles away the summer hours by installing herself as a mogul in a fictional movie studio, then issuing a 12-step program (you know, so the current executives can relate) for saving Hollywood. But first, the disclaimers:

First, some disclaimers: I like driving my beat-up Volvo (because I break into hives at just the thought of a $3,889-a-month car payment for a Mercedes S600). I hate reading screenplays or taking meetings (when I could be doing something useful like scooping the litter box). I enjoy apartment living (instead of worrying about nutcases from the public-access beach breaking into my Malibu mansion). I don’t have the right attitude about Hollywood (since I think it’s populated by overpaid and under-worked mental midgets; I suspect CAA, AMPAS and MPAA are terrorist organizations; and I wish Oscar would grow some balls).

That said, here’s what I’d do:
Get Rid of Everyone

After calling CAA and MPAA "terrorist organizations," who could've seen the purge coming? However, we find Finke maddeningly vague about whether she'd offer the ousted executives ("inbred imbeciles") the opportunity to kill themselves humanely before tossing the lot of them in cinderblock-laden burlap sacks and drowning them in the Pacific.