Ah, Friday afternoon. Do you know that goes great with the happy hour cocktail that will kick off your weekend? That's right: the glimmer of hope provided by a listing for a great new job. Hit the Defamer Job Board and get yourself that career-upgrade chaser.

Because we realize that not everyone can rebound from an apparent career disaster by quickly being hired to another incredibly high-paying gig, we give you the Defamer Job Board, a place where you can pick yourself up by your virtual bootstraps and get on with your working life.

Since your poorly conceived plot to solve your work-related problems by rigging a pack of leftover Fourth of July cherry bombs to explode when your boss started his car this morning did little more than scratch the paint of his new BMW, you might want to line up a new gig through the Defamer Job Board before he connects you to the attack.

Looking for something to do with your free time at work besides trying to find new ways to circumvent your company's internet porn filter? Why not spend some time on the Defamer Job Board, searching for an employer with more permissive policies towards your healthy enthusiasm for naked people?

With Paris Hilton's release from jail seriously crippling your "FREE PARIS" t-shirt business, maybe it's time to hit the Defamer Job Board and find a means of employment less dependent on the whims of the justice system. Luckily for you, opportunity abounds in this week's listings:

With that dramatic, 11th-hour restoration of health benefits keeping dozens of third-tier talent agency assistants who've proven an ability to survive on low wages out of the job market, there's never been a better time to improve your own career prospects with the Defamer Job Board, where many employers who occasionally offer an impressive variety of free breakfast foods can be found.

Looking to find an employer who doesn't try to justify cutting your health benefits with a belief that young assistants are magically invulnerable to expensive medical problems? You have nothing to lose but your free bagels, uninsured serfs, when you take to the Defamer Job Board and seek liberation from your career oppressors.

Let's be honest: Given the way things work in Hollywood, there's a very real chance you're going to be fired by the end of the day. Why not seize control of your destiny by finding a new gig on the Defamer Job Board right now, denying either your mercurial boss or some faceless, cost-slashing corporate drone the opportunity to pinkslip you?

Sure, you could pick up some quick cash by letting DreamWorks slap some Transformers stickers on your Mirage, but that revenue stream is ultimately unsustainable. Why not spend some quality time on the Defamer Job Board, looking for a more reliable source of income? Do it, right now, before the lure of easy decal-money saps you of your motivation.

You know who's never had a real job? That's right: Paris Hilton. And look where that lack of work ethic landed her: Trapped in a multimillionaire dollar house that's constantly under siege by people forcing baked goods on her. Right now, head over to the Defamer Job Board and get yourself a steady paycheck before you succumb to a similarly horrific fate.

While the Defamer Job Board might not be of much use to, say, network heads who suddenly found themselves out of work around the Memorial Day weekend, it is a fine tool for assisting those underlings who lost their livelihoods in the ensuing purge with obtaining gainful employment. Rejoice, newly pinkslipped, for career salvation is at hand!

It would irresponsible of us to recommend that you cut ties with your current employer by urinating on the dry cleaning you just picked up, phoning his wife and admitting he's nailing the assistant two cubes over, and then heading to the beach to enjoy the rest of your day, confident that a better gig is right around the corner—irresponsible, that is, unless we told you take along your laptop and spend some time using the Defamer Job Board to plan your next career move as you listen to the gentle sound of the Pacific lapping against the sand.

Your abusive boss is probably already out for the Memorial Day weekend, so this seems like the perfect time to begin that job hunt you've been meaning to get underway ever since he branded the agency's initials on you with a hot wire hanger as a show of loyalty. Hit the Defamer Job Board and get one step closer to freedom, still-healing ICM scar be damned:

Your pilot season gig on ABC's comedy hopeful HeadOn: Apply Directly to the Forehead! HeadOn: Apply Directly to the Forehead! HeadOn: Apply Directly to the Forehead! is long over, and you've just learned that the network has handed over its sole primetime sitcomfomercial slot to the Geico Cavemen instead of your more promising show, leaving you suddenly out of work for the coming TV season. Break the cycle of unemployment with the Defamer Job Board, the leading Defamer-branded job-search tool on the internets!

With the recent announcement of a stunning technological advance that could threaten thousands of local assistants with the loss of their livelihood to a legion of far cheaper, canine call-rolling labor, there is perhaps no better time than now to start the job hunt that will take your career to the next level. Hit the Defamer Job Board and discover exciting opportunities like these:

With our previous Defamer Job Board highlight posts focusing on humiliation, physical abuse, and thoughts of homicide, perhaps it's time to stress the positive reasons for starting the search for your next gig. Such as: Think about how good you'll feel once you never have to fill another Valtrex prescription for your boss again! See? That's a much happier thought with which to begin clicking through this week's featured listings:

The signs that you're sick of your job have become too persistent to ignore: You can hardly be bothered to spit in your boss's Starbucks cup each morning, and the stream of expletives you mutter under your breath as you sulk away from your daily dressing-down have recently lacked imagination. You need a new gig, and the Defamer Job Board is here to help, just in time. This week's highlights:

Tired of having your daydreams of total Hollywood domination interrupted by a boss demanding that you immediately drop what you're doing to bring his prized cockapoo to the Chateau Marmutt for an emergency grooming, under pain of termination if that pampered pooch doesn't come back perfectly fluffed? If so, you need to spend some quality time on the Defamer Job Board hunting for a new gig, one free of the stale ritualistic humiliations you've learned to suffer through quietly in the name of career advancement. Take a glance at this week's highlights:

Did this morning's tale of the former assistant who was once driven to vomit by her boss's cruelty hit a little too close to home, dredging up painful, bile-flavored memories of your own? Then you need a new job! The Defamer Job Board is here just in time to save you from future esophageal erosion with this week's highlights:

It's a dilemma we've all faced: You hate your boss with the white-hot intensity of a thousand begrudgingly fetched caramel macchiatos, but murdering him could result in a lengthy, career-stalling jail sentence, and messily killing yourself inside his just-detailed Lexus would just give the cruel taskmaster the satisfaction that he successfully thwarted your Hollywood ambitions. You really need the Defamer Job Board right now, which features these exciting opportunities to escape the crushing bleakness of your current situation: