Today in 'Things That Will Kill You:' Your balcony. (If you had one).

First, MacLaren strollers ate up your baby's fingers. Then, your naturalistic baby sling smothered your baby. And now, Simplicity and Graco cribs are being recalled, because they will "suffocate or strangle" your baby. Your baby! Your baby! Your baby! [Pic]

You're well aware that your child is already using his or her cell phone for healthy amounts of sexting. But did you know that texting can also make your teen into a milquetoast big baby mother's darling?

We bring you the following story as a public service—for journalists, college students, and everyone else. Take the experience of Tim Chapman, former editor of James Madison University's student newspaper, as a lesson: Cops are not your drinking buddies.

The cops arrested someone for threatening Eric Cantor over the weekend, proving him right about everything. Here is the threatening man demanding that the film Babe be removed from video stores, because he is God, and Lucifer was a pig.

In response (maybe?) to our breakthrough linkage of yuppie baby slings and poor smothered lifeless babies, government safety officials are recalling more than a million baby slings. God. As if Park Slope parents didn't have enough to deal with.

When you go to work out should you be all focused and intense and hardcore, or should you just be flipping through some magazine on the elliptical, while sexting? Well, look at it this way: Do you want to die?

Strollers are for savages who want to chop their babies' fingers off. Trendy parents today are all about the body-hugging baby slings. Which do something much worse.

FYI, parents: It's not just Maclaren strollers that will steal your child's precious fingertips; Graco has also issued a stroller recall after chopping five kids' fingers off. Will Aidyn and Madelynne never know the joys of ten-digit masturbation? [Pic via]

Infomercial experts have spent decades educating you, the consumer, on the benefits of "exercise." Now, scientists are jumping on the "exercise" bandwagon. Could "exercise" be good for you? What role does cereal play? And, will leaving your couch kill you?

Cops have closed part of Times Square because a raggedy, tarp-obscured white van has been parked there two days, suspiciously. Well. If you had a parking spot in Times Square you wouldn't move, either. [CBS] UPDATE: Prestigious evacuations!

A missive from Mayor Bloomberg relating to New Amsterdam's upcoming year-end revelry: "If you see anything, they'll be plenty of police to talk to. Walk up and say, 'Hey, I may be wrong, but that guy looks nefarious.'" [Fox5]

Washington Post columnist Anne Applebaum is A) married to a high-ranking Polish politician, and B) critical of Russia's shady government, which makes it—in the most general way—kind of alarming that her car blew up yesterday. [Update: She's okay!]

"Bagel-related injuries are exceeded only by chicken, potato, apple and onion injuries." Knowledge is power.

One of this week's Conde Nast layoff victims has emailed us with a harrowing inside look at the human cost of magazine death. She seems ready to snap. Her email, in full, below:

What happens to a dancehall reggae artist retired? Does he dry up, like a raisin in the sun? Or fester like a sore, and then run? No. He moves to East New York and is attacked by a ninja-like swordsman.

Way to just stand around chuckling and taking digital photos, pedestrians below. Even before you knew it was a stunt! Jeez Suge Knight could probably take over the entire nation of New Zealand in like four days. [via Adfreak]

Photographer Zach Hyman keeps NYC wacky—and sexy—by taking pixxx of nude models, in public. Sure, it's all wacky and sexy until the cops show up, and Justin Rocket Silverman has to race the scene.

Being a gambling mogul in the internet age is apparently just as dangerous as it was in the mob-infested Casino age: The 36 year-old founder of an online poker site was murdered in his home in Sweden last week.

Unlike former Presidents, former Vice Presidents don't get Secret Service protection. (No one's ever gonna take a shot at Quayle.) Except one! A certain mean old man still gets a taxpayer-funded security detail.