We don't mean to scare you, but there is a chance a satellite might fall from the sky, directly onto you this weekend. Oh, who are we kidding? We're definitely trying to freak you out.

As the East Coast braces for Phase Two of God's Late-Summer Reckoning, the shores of Southern California remain sunny, warm, and tranquil. *Cue ominous tuba solo.*

For months now, innocent shoppers in Virgina—the state that is, incidentally, "for lovers"—have been terrorized by a Serial Butt Stabber. Now, it appears that his reign of booty assault is even worse than previously suspected.

You know those people who are always like "Well, yes, that guy was attacking you, but it was just a fistfight. You had no reason to hit him with that chair"? Man, I can't stand those people. What they don't take into account is that, yes, one punch can totally kill you.

In the wake of the recent high profile assaults of hotel maids, hotels are handing out panic buttons to their employees in an effort to keep them safe from maniac members of the public. Now, The Pierre is taking it one step further, by training its maids in self-defense. But are they being lulled into a false sense of security? Let's examine, via the NY Post report on the self-defense class:

Emily Guendelsberger, an editor at The Onion's AV Club in Philly, was walking along with seven friend Saturday night when they ran into a group of teenagers (between 20 and 40 of them, according to different sources). And teens being teens, they attacked everyone for no reason, including Guendelsberger, who was knocked down and had her leg broken. She says that a bunch of girls came to her defense when they realized how badly she was hurt, so that's a bonus. Still, this only strengthens our longstanding support for a policy of incarcerating all Philadelphia-area teens between the hours of 8 p.m. tonight and 9 a.m. on July 27, 2014.

Here's a news broadcast from Denver that tells the harrowing tale of a family whose glass-top patio table from the Martha Stewart Living collection spontaneously exploded, showering them with glass. Horrifying! And not the first time this has happened.

People like to go to Hawaii. It's nicer there than where they live. When they go to Hawaii, they get guidebooks, and go to the places that the guidebooks recommend. Sometimes, some people fall down and get hurt at the places they read about in the guidebooks. How to solve this tourists-getting-hurt-sometimes problem? By making the guidebook people pay.

Parents: have you purchased your baby a top-of-the-line crib and lovingly accentuated it with "Puffy bumpers, pillows and blankets, low-hanging mobiles and a menagerie of stuffed animals?" You have, haven't you? Because you care about little Aedynn, don't you? Yeah, about death.

If you're a parent in New York and your kid is playing wiffle ball, tag or Red Rover this summer well, you're a horrible person. The New York Department of Health has drafted a list of "risky recreational activities" that could potentially kill or maim your kid this summer, and the previously mentioned games fit that bill. The list is an attempt to clamp down on deadly summer camps:

The flash mob, once a novel and artistic construct used to make urban life that much more quirky and full of possibility, is now the subject of a Howie Mandel show. So it was only a matter of time before flash mobs degenerated into something ugly, violent, and antisocial. Yesterday, a shooting at Venice Beach sent crowds scattering. Why?

Colonel Sanders wasn't the only deceased celebrity to be menaced by shady figures. Newly released FBI files say that Tupac and Eazy-E were both the targets of an extortion attempt by the Jewish Defense League, a hardcore right-wing group.

Most Americans think of our neighbor to the south, the land of Meh-hee-ko, as a place primarily populated by taco-wielding mariachi bands passing out tequila shots in a welcoming spirit of friendship, speaking "espanyole." We regret to inform you that that impression may be overoptimistic.

Saving smiles! Tainted IVs! Hep C! Water balls! Baby babble! No births! College hookups! And super secret squats! It's your Thursday Health Watch, where we watch your health—but just as a friend!

Riffat Qureshi, a 36 year-old doctor and "professional model," is suing Starbucks, alleging that she was scalded on her belly when a barista slid a cup full of boiling water along a counter, shouting—perhaps unwisely—"Catch the cup."

Hana Lin, 26, was drinking beer with two friends in their 26th-floor apartment at 101 Warren St. in Tribeca (pictured) early Tuesday morning. They went on a beer run; when they came back, she was gone. She'd fallen over the balcony to her death.

The State Department is now warning against "unauthorized" media entering Libya: "entering Libya to report on the events unfolding there is additionally hazardous with the government labeling unauthorized media as terrorist collaborators and claiming they will be arrested if caught."

Is there any worse pet than a small, yapping dog? No, and that fact has now been confirmed—with numbers.

2010 witnessed the highest number of shark attacks in a decade. Close down the beaches! Before you feed into the false panic, note there were only 79 shark attacks last year around the whole world, up from 63 in 2009.

Over the past day and a half, Egypt has transformed from a thrilling dream story for journalists into a place where being a journalist is seriously hazardous. First the physical attacks; now, the arrests. A quick rundown, below.