If you can handle it, take another listen to Ashlee Simpson's disastrous Orange Bowl performance.

A reader sends us a very special Page Six sighting:

· Amelie director Jean Pierre Jeunet goes all outer-borough at the Museum of Moving Image in Queens tonight, where he hosts a question-and-answer session after screening his new movie, A Very Long Engagement. [MoMI]
· Sufjan Stevens labelmates the Castanets bring their "menacing and heady blend" of blues and antique folk tonight to the Knitting Factory tonight. [flavorpill]
· We swore off all forms of "multidisciplinary art" as part of our New Year's resolution, but it's proving harder to avoid than we anticipated. Case in point: the Culturemart Festival, which kicks off today. [TheatreMania]

Has all of this talk of watery destruction and renegade bands of thieves have you craving the warm embrace of a total stranger? If so, you may be in luck. A Craigslist poster is looking to help import the Williamsbergian, hipster-damaged Cuddle Party to Los Angeles. (Indeed, the Cuddle Party site mentions that local Facilitator Training is imminent.) Should you crave some therapeutic spooning, you'd better get on board quickly, before the Kabbalah Centre finds a way to monetize the movement and producers turn it into an ugly sex-for-roles trade.

Page Six looks at a Vanity Fair article detailing a crime wave sweeping through our city's richest enclaves, perpetrated by a shadowy army of off-white superburglars:

We're a little concerned about the anti-hipster sentiment that's running through the culture right now. Yesterday, we directed you to Christian Lorentzen's anti-Wes Anderson/anti-hipster essay in n+1.

Today's LAT says that Hollywood's efforts to offer disaster relief are getting off to a disorganized start, but it's obvious that the tsunami's devastation has touched the entertainment industry in the soft places it didn't even knew it had. Look, even agents are suddenly growing hearts:

· Color all men and women around Gawker HQ miserable: Jude Law is engaged to actress Sienna Miller. [AP]
· Has publicist Ronn Torossian become the official Page Six whipping boy? After deriding him yesterday for trash-talking scary PR-ster Lizzie Grubman, the column continues to document Torossian's professional downfall (be it real or tabloid-imagined) by reporting that lawyer Ben Brafman has severed all ties with el Toro. [Page Six]
· Britney Spears replaces her longtime manager Larry Rudolph with his sidekick, Dan Dymtrow. Why the switch? Brit believes that Dymtrow can foster the hip-hop career of her hubby, Kevin Federline. Insert snickering here. [Lowdown]
· Unsuccessful tennis kitten Anna Kournikova is being sued...by her parents. Apparently daughter dearest doesn't want her progenitors around and is trying to have their names removed from the deed to a $5 million property in Miami. [Page Six]
· Teri Hatcher can't get laid. [R&M]

An orange-alert reader sends us word of great import:

We believe that Sex And The City star Chris Noth could indeed be spotted looking wasted on the subway, but wearing slippers? You decide.
[Photo taken by Sebastian Delmont]

If only we watched sports, we'd have seen it live: our favorite fabricated "talent," Miss Ashlee Simpson, graced the stage at the Orange Bowl's halftime performance and didn't lipsync her way through the performance. How can we be sure? Because she sounded like some sort of dying, prehistoric beast. The crowd agreed, apparently, as the poor little thing was unceremoniously booed at the end of her performance. The video is available for your personal auditory assault here, but be warned—acid reflux has no mercy on Ashlee's pipes.

· You play all cool, but we know you're just a sensualist at heart. Indulge all five at Realm of the Senses, a mixed media gallery show at James Cohan Gallery, 533 W 26th St, through Jan. 22. [Flavorpill]

If fallen popster Britney Spears didn't post another crazy letter on her website, would the sunrise be quite as striking? Would the air smell quite as sweet? We think not. Thankfully, Britney has started the new year with new letter-o-truth, in which she declares her passion for directorial work (she's a total Fellini fan, we know it) and styling her own videos (in Juicy Couture, of course). Britney also invokes the wisdom of "True Masters," but we don't know if she's talking about Rabbi Berg or her husband's dealers. Ah, really though, who cares? She's got a new dog named Lucky and Lucky's room has a chandelier! What a precious, beautiful world we live in!
Britney:'But What I Really Want To Do Is Direct, Ya'll!' [Stereogum]
Related: Blogger Vividblurry anticipates a definite baby Britney in 2005 and has a handy guide to her imminent pregnancy: "Smoking interferes with your absorption of vitamins B and C and folic acid. Lack of folic acid can result in neural tube defects, which is, like, not very cool, y'all."

We don't know how anyone in their right mind managed to carve up over 1600 words on Wes Anderson's Life Aquatic as emblematic of the hipster bell curve, but we're convinced the writer is either brilliantly retarded or batshit insane, if not both. A taste:

MSNBC's Jeannette Walls reports that Leonardo DiCaprio is joining the tsunami relief effort. Bully for him, celebrities care, etc etc. (Apparently, he's the only one harboring fond memories of The Beach). The Kabbalah Centre, meanwhile, is rushing 10,000 litres of their magical water to the tsunami victims. Rimshot coming: They've also pledged 50,000 tons of enchanted Kabbalah rubble, 400 tons of blessed Kabbalah splinters from ruined bungalows, and 15 bags of
of wet sand personally touched by Madonna.

· Publicist Ronn Torossian calls PR girl Lizzie Grubman an embarassment to the industry. Because there are so few other things the industry has to be embarassed about. [Page Six]
· Actress Cameron Diaz reportedly pelted ice chips at the head of model Deanna Miller after Miller posed for a GQ shoot with Diaz's boyfriend, Justin Timberlake. [Lowdown]
· Miami prostitutes staked out the classy Ritz Carlton and Delano hotels for some celebrity action on New Year's eve. Since when did hookers soliciting high profile clients constitute as news? [Page Six]
· Supermodel Heidi Klum is allegedly engaged to singer Seal. Unfortunately, Klum has been seeing wearing a canary diamond engagement ring, a style which is forever cursed in the wake of J-Lo and Affleck's failed engagement. [R&M]
· Tsunami victims can take comfort in knowing that Kabbalah water is on the way. [Scoop]

Happy New Year from the most important person in your life, your loathsome real estate broker! A reader forwards a well-wishing email from "some crap NYC real estate broker" (with an impressive mastery of ellipses) that has us feeling all fuzzy:

Worth mentioning: we were at a severely overcrowded event at LES nightspot Pianos and, thanks to our journalist-dar, we noticed a certain reporter from the Village Voice patiently and unsuccessfully trying to cover the show. On our way in, we casually mentioned to the ticket-girl that she should maybe let the only journalist present document the event, and what did she say?

Oh, that Vincent Gallo/Paris Hilton video we mentioned earlier? The site hosting it was taken down.

· Remember that New Year's resolution you had to be more artsy? Realize what a stupid idea that was by indulging in some nonsensical short films at the Museum of Modern Art, 8pm. [MoMA]
· We have no idea what an "illustrated production" of a stage play might involve, but this one has to do with Mae West so it could be interesting. [TONY]
· Watch Jeremy Piven star in Fat Pig, a play about a bachelor who falls for an overweight woman. Or, save a few bucks and rent Shallow Hal. [WUNY]