Those without a date on this most manufactured of Hallmark holidays can take heart, for American Idol's most perkily (or is it Percodin?) addled judge offers a surefire solution to the Valentine's blues:

Or, "Something Old..."

· PETA enlists David Cross in the fight against fur. His method? Back hair. And lots of it. [FurIsDead]
· What if sweet, innocent Clay Aiken hired prostitutes? And what if they were male prostitutes?! No, God, we can't imagine. That's just impossible. [PageSixSixSix]
· If you can stomach it, Valentine's Day seems to merit a lengthy analysis of pigeon-sex. [New Partisan]
· The art of vomit, courtesy of the New York Times. Happy Monday, everyone! [NYT]
· Brad Pitt, April Florio...we just don't have the attention span for this anymore. Where's Angelina Jolie, dammit? [ToGawp]

Sunday might be a day of rest for some of you, but for New York's hardest working actors, it's showtime. Yesterday was the open call for the climax scene in Michael Lucas' gay porn remake of Dangerous Liasons, and our pervy brother and photographer Nikola Tamindzic spent their day with the finest thespians downtown has to offer. After the jump, Amanda Lepore, Michael Musto, Lady Bunny and others make love to the camera in a mostly-safe-for-work fashion.

Sunday's LAT profiled "Jay the Writer" (and yes, we realize that we're quoted in the story—obsessively Googling ourselves sometimes turns up nuggets unrelated to Linday Lohan's breasts), the adorably deluded, aspiring screenwriter who's spent "$75,000 to $100,000" trying to find out if renting billboard space near studios makes him seem like a genius of self-promotion or, in the words of one nameless agent, "retarded":

With all due respect to our West Coast brother site's repeated declaration that "Hollywood is Out of Ideas," we took great interest in a recent spec script sale listed on Done Deal (aka, the bitter would-be screenwriter's homepage).

· Yuppies, bored WASP housewives, and other campy canine lovers convene at Madison Square Garden today and tomorrow for the 129th Westminster Dog Show. Someone should make a mockumentary about that. [Westminster]
· Paul Sevigny's "band" A.R.E. Weapons "perform" at Pianos tonight as part of the BeWare! Valentine's Day Party. [Pianos]
· The Fortress of Solitude author Jonathan Lethem visits The Bowery Poetry Club for...well, we're not really sure. The website doesn't really offer any specifics, and we'll be damned if we actually picked up a telephone to find out. But we know Lethem will be there, for whatever reason, at 4pm. [Bowery Poetry]

Well, if you really loved her, you wouldn't have waited until the last minute to send a crappy e-card.
Hallmark

Last week, the guttersnipes on The Apprentice were asked to make competing television commercials for some sort of new Dove body wash; it should come as no surprise that the resulting advertisements were spectacularly shitty. Dove, however, is not content with letting their product placement end on a sour note:

We're not exactly sure how this happened (every time a camera cut to Usher we reflexively flipped over to Desperate Housewives), but it seems that Jamie Foxx won nine Grammys last night. We were skeptical at first, thinking it had to be been some kind of mistake, but then we saw Foxx singing (that stupid tattoo on the back of his head gave him away) "Georgia On My Mind" with Alicia Keys. We knew Foxx did all of the singing in Ray! Leonardo DiCaprio stands no chance for Best Actor—unless he can pull off a better stunt. Keep your eyes peeled for Miramax's full-page ads in the trades promising that Leo will prove his acting chops by urinating in thirty milk bottles during the Oscars ceremony.

Sightings are sent in by readers; send yours to tips@gawker.com.

Crisis in Foodyville! Freeman's, the hipper-than-thou haven for diners who like their comfort food served with a side of taxidermy, may have some competition in its perfectly-hidden alley. Simon Hammerstein (yes, that Hammerstein) is in the process of opening a dinner theater-nightclub in Freeman's Alley; tentatively named The Box, Hammerstein's theater will host plays and burlesque. Josh Lucas, Rachel Weisz, and Jude Law sit on its board and, if everything goes according to plan, The Box will bring a lot of "limo-riders" to the alley—much to the chagrin of Freeman's owner Taavo Somer, who knows that the forthcoming glitz will ruin his restaurant's studied esotericism.

Epiphanies courtesy of Brooklyn's drunkest.
Scenes From A Urinal [Tale of Two Cities]

· Hip-hop groupie/whore Karinne Steffans finally gets what she wants: a "lucrative" deal to write a juicy book detailing her exploits with big name rappers. She claims, of course, that she got a lot of self-respect out of the deal. [Page Six]
· Yellow Fever designer Jamison Ernest loses models for his show when an agency learns that that the girls will be participating in an art film involving bananas. And Vincent Gallo. You fill in the rest. [Gatecrasher (3rd item)]
· When talking about the legacy of late Wu-Tang rapper ODB, Rush & Molloy earnestly use the phrase "baby mama." And just now, the universe shat itself. [R&M]
· Britney Spears thinks her dog is better than Paris Hiltons' dog. This is the sort of catfight one comes to expect from two girls who aren't really doing too much with their lives. [Scoop]
· Katie Holmes, the actress who may never shake Dawson's Creek, is renting in the West Village. Coincidentally, Monica Lewinsky, the woman who may never shake that blowing-the-president thing, is in the same building. [ELK]
· P. Diddy keeps Foxy Brown waiting after the Zac Posen show, but no one gets hurt. [Lowdown (2nd item)]

Of course they do. Above, a bad screen cap of Maya Rudolph as Kim Jung Il's interpreter from this weekend's Saturday Night Live.

· Now that The O.C. has finally brought teenage lesbianism to the Bait Shop, it's time to deconstruct the raw skill that is Mischa Barton. [Streeter Seidell]
· America, meet Tom Sizemore's prosthetic penis. [E! on Yahoo]
· Scandal at the Times! Scandal at the Times! The Vows pages pull a Blair. Or a Miller. Or a Lee. Or a whatever. [Veiled Conceit]
· Sarah Jessica Parker plans on launching a new fragrance; the catty Gays at Datalounge plan on taking her down. [Datalounge]
· And to conclude our series of the Anna Wintour Book Club, we'll publish one dissenting opinion in defense of her "evil genius." [Slate]

You came through (yuk yuk) and hooked our brother up with some awesome bathroom sex stories and advice. Good work, New York!

Thanks to this week's advertisers, whose support keeps our bathtubs full of Creme de la Mer and our panties lined with cashmere. Interested in our high-market readers? Info here.

See it with the drink(s) you love.

Friday
· Because tsunami relief is so last week, try Tonic relief: the LES haven for creative music-lovers is in danger of closing its doors. Tonight s fundraiser features Thomas Fehlmann (of Orb) and Gudrun Gut, both of whom will fight the man with the power German electronica. [Tonic]
· It s art; it s punk; it s electro; it s yeah, we don t know what it is. Maybe you can figure it out for us? Tracy and the Plastics do their thing tonight at the Kitchen. [TONY]