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Those without a date on this most manufactured of Hallmark holidays can take heart, for American Idol's most perkily (or is it Percodin?) addled judge offers a surefire solution to the Valentine's blues:

PAULA ABDUL AND GIANT EIGHT-FOOT HAYSTACK AT THIRD STREET PROMENADE HELP SINGLES FIND THEIR "NEEDLE"

Yahoo! Personals, the leader in the online dating market, is encouraging singles to set aside time for themselves and their love lives in celebration of National Call in Single Day on Monday, February 14th.

Singles are invited to find love by searching a giant eight-foot haystack filled with attractive, fun, local singles. In addition to finding a possible love match, singles have the chance to win great prizes like diamond earrings and digital cameras.

That's right, not only can you "call in single" (we feel irresistible just saying it!) with the help of Yahoo Personals and the former Mrs. Emilio Estevez, you can participate in a depressingly literal reenactment of the metaphorical difficulty of finding suitable companionship in a town populated entirely by people trying to make a name in the entertainment business. Trust us on this one—it'll be far less depressing to max out the cash advance on your credit cards and purchase a romantic evening of discreet services (we recommend the "rusty trombone" from Kiki) from one of the "freelance massage therapists" roaming Santa Monica Blvd.