Unemployed? Faking your own death is not a viable career option.

Earlier this month, someone on Twitter threatened to attack New York's Longacre Theater during a performance of Mike Tyson's new one-man play, writing, "This s**t ain't no joke yo I'm serious people are gonna die just like in aurora." The NYPD immediately requested the user's identity from Twitter but they initially denied the request.

Garden Grove Medical Center employees thwarted a baby theft this weekend after Grisel Ramierez allegedly tried to walk out with a newborn girl she'd hidden in a tote bag. Ramierez had disguised herself in nurses' scrubs and led the newborn's mother to the bathroom, instructing her to shower before the doctor's examination. Once the mother left the room, Ramirez put the infant in her tote bag and was on her way out when the baby somehow set off an alarm after crossing an "imaginary line," which seems impossible if it was actually imaginary but, you know, technology is crazy these days.

Mason, Ohio is just a typical Middle American town. Home to the Golf Center at Kings Island. Hell, Money magazine named it the 24th Best Place to Live in America, 2011. A fine place to raise a family. Or so we thought. Because even Mason, Ohio has found its public schoolhouses infested with what you've always feared: marijuana.

Another normal night in Gaston County, North Carolina. Pastor Richard Robinson was at home minding his own business and enjoying the Southern summer night when his neighbors came barging in, armed to the teeth and high as shit on bath salts. Spoiler alert: the neighbors did not end up eating Pastor Robinson.

If you wanted to rob a high-end Las Vegas casino, I imagine the best plan would be something involving an inside accomplice, cutting-edge technology, stealth, and a well-planned getaway. The "run in and grab what you can" method would not be the primary choice of most successful casino robbers.

The Drew Peterson murder trial began today — no, not for Peterson's fourth wife, Stacy Peterson, who mysteriously disappeared in 2007.

A Claxton, Tennessee man is accused of assaulting his live-in girlfriend over a photo of an unknown man he spotted on her Facebook page.

A Florida man's day went from bad to worse when he got his hand bitten off by an alligator and was charged with illegally feeding the animal.

Five people were shot at Rucker Park in Harlem Wednesday night, after a dispute over a call during a basketball game for the Entertainers Basketball Classic.

Ever since the collapse of the global economy due to massive, reckless, multi-trillion-dollar "me-first" gambling on an institutional scale, Americans have been clamoring for prosecution of the powerful people whose greed caused this whole mess. And finally, we're getting it: law enforcement has, at long last, arrested the guys who take old cardboard boxes from out back of Wal-Mart.

The Los Angeles City Council has ruled to ban medical marijuana dispensaries, shutting down as many as 900 dispensaries in 30 days.

William Balfour, the man who murdered Jennifer Hudson's mother, brother, and 7-year-old nephew Julian, was given three life sentences for his crimes. He was found guilty back in May.

A New Tripoli, Pennsylvania mother stands accused of "hacking" into the Northwestern Lehigh School District and changing her children's grades.

By contrasting the ease with which Aurora shooter James Holmes ordered guns and ammunition online with the rapid FBI response when a Muslim would-be terrorist in Aurora sent a single suspicious email a few years ago, Denver Post columnist Chuck Murphy states the obvious in his column today: this mass shooting might have turned out very differently if James Holmes had been named Ibrahim or Mohammed.

Having a house guest can be stressful, especially when said guest is one resident's ex-boyfriend.

FBI Agent Robert Schmitz went to unusual lengths to solve a 2009 bank robbery: he snagged some of boxer Martin Tucker's blood from ringside during a fight, and matched the sample to DNA found in a mask used in the robbery.

In today's America! news, Houston resident Thelma Taormina chased off her local electric maintenance guy with a gun because he was attempting to install a fancy new electric meter called a Smart Meter. This new meter thing supposedly keeps track of power usage digitally and then wirelessly transmits the information to the electric company instead of them having to send someone out to read the meter. What an amazing, time saving device, right? What will they think of next?

Karaoke is one of those things that you either love or hate. Fifty-year old William Carr Oller Jr, of Shingletown, California, loves it. Seventy-year old William Henry Oller Sr, of Sacramento, California, and William Carr Oller Jr's father, hates it. Oller Jr loves Karaoke so much that he wouldn't stop singing a country song when his father asked him to. So Oller Sr shot Oller Jr in the arm, allegedly.

Seattle residents Brandon Loo and Christopher Sweeney were on their way back from a trip to Vancouver when U.S. Border agents searched their car and, after finding illegal contraband, detained the two for several hours. The contraband? Kinder Eggs, which are chocolate eggs with toys in the center. The candies are banned in the U.S. because they, like every other candy in the world, contain "a non-nutritive object."