A teenager who crashed into a tree while allegedly driving under the influence of alcohol was found to have stashed an unusually large quantity of stolen jewelry inside his rectum, police in Pennsylvania said.

Last month, a 19-year-old college student reportedly stabbed his mother before slicing off his own penis while high on a synthetic drug called mephedrone, better known to the kids as "Meow Meow." Police found the teenager with his penis, or what was left of it, dangling out a window, spraying blood everywhere.

Aliens. Spacealiens. No such thing. How theyd fought it out, cosmic mysteries reduced to raw shouting in the uncaring morning. Her leaving in wrath and now returning, straight into the bedroom without him. Rustling and thumps.

There are worse ways to go, but there are not many: An Oklahoma man died on Tuesday after his stepson allegedly gave him an "atomic wedgie" so severe that the man suffocated inside his own underwear.

Here you will see a video showing several Seabrook, NH police officers slamming a prisoner in their custody into a wall and pepper spraying him for no apparent reason.

Pro tip: If you don't know for sure whether the supermarket is open and don't have a Hamilton to wager on it, don't make a bet with the guys who share your Alaska trailer, because they might have a gun. And if the gun doesn't work, they might have a car-jack handle.

A "terrible cycle of violence and thuggery" is ravaging Omaha, Nebraska, according to the Omaha Police Officers Association. What is a thug, though? Well, the police boosters know one when they see one. In this case, it's a diapered toddler in a crazy cellphone video.

On Friday, a Florida man was arrested at a Palm Bay Papa John's—where he worked as a delivery driver—for allegedly having sex with his roommate's German shepherd.

A banker wanted for embezzling $21 million from Montgomery Bank & Trust, a small bank in Ailey, Georgia, was arrested Tuesday after 18 months on the run. During that time Aubrey Lee Price had gone from a clean-cut banker to something resembling an independent circuit pro wrestler.

Police in Chicago say there were fewer murders in the Second City last year than in any year since 1965, and there were 30 percent fewer shooting victims than in 2012. There were probably fewer gun-related deaths than there were right-wing rants about how Chicago is hell on earth because of liberalism and gun control.

"I feel like he always gets off," pregnant Samantha Scheibe told a police investigator after her boyfriend—George Zimmerman, killer of Trayvon Martin, alleged abuser of his wife, violator of innumerable traffic laws, collector of many firearms—pointed a shotgun at her and smashed her belongings. Scheibe was right, again.

We are truly living in the golden age of internet commerce. After several break-ins and organ thefts from a former mental hospital, police searched high and low only to find that the stolen goods had been sold on eBay. Isn't the free market great?

Last month (as we did last year), we sent letters to all of the U.S. death row inmates who have execution dates in the upcoming year. Today, we have our first reply: Ray Jasper, who is scheduled to be put to death in Texas in March.

Matt Drudge's favorite city, "CHICAGOLAND," is at its least murder-ridden since 1965: the city only experienced 415 murders last year, down from 503 in 2012. You keep not murdering people, Chicago!

An Indiana woman was arrested last Saturday after she allegedly held her daughter's boyfriend against his will and sliced his genitals with a box cutter over a drug-influenced belief that he had molested her two-year-old son.

Police in South Carolina say a Richland County man ended up in the hospital last week after being stabbed by his fiancée for disagreeing with her choice of wedding colors.

Police in San Francisco say a teen robbery suspect was accidentally killed by his alleged accomplice when a bullet from the latter's gun struck the former after ricocheting off their victim's face.

When people think of weird crime stories, they think of Florida. And that's fair—the strange Southern state has certainly earned the right to call itself (or be called) the Stupid Criminal Capital of the World. But to say Florida has a monopoly on dumb criminals does a great disservice to other idiot states, like Ohio and Oklahoma, and otherwise respectable countries, like Canada and Sweden. To be sure everyone gets their due, we're proud to present: The Year in Stupid Crime.

Looks like we published The Year in Mass Shootings too early: Last night, a Louisiana man went on a shooting rampage, killing his current wife, his ex-mother-in-law, his former boss, and injuring three others before committing suicide.

Happy holidays from Broward County: "Angered after being given the boot from a Davie bar, a man came back to the establishment with Molotov cocktails made out of gasoline-filled beer bottles, and tossed them at the bar owner, police said."