Today's Daily News update on accused sex offender and former Women's Wear Daily staffer Peter Braunstein is a bona fide treasure trove of Crazy. As he puts it, he dressed as a fireman to obtain entry into a former co-worker's apartment for 13 hours of molestation not because he's psycho, but because New York had turned its back on him. You hear that? It's our fault, New York. We're all to blame, from the sleeping MTA worker to Alex Kuczynski.

We can't resist passing along a story that moved on the wires this afternoon:

First, "A Washington Tidal Wave," in today's Newsweek:

• Lindsay Lohan admits to Vanity Fair that she's used drugs and struggled with bulimia. When we blow rails and boot our brunch, we usually go to Graydon Carter for confessional, too.
• Zeta Graff sues Paris Hilton for being a big, fat liar — but, as it turns out, her paid liar/publicist Rob Shuter might be just as bad.
• Peter Braunstein pleads not guilty to charges of sexual assault; guilty on all charges of looking incredibly frightening.
• Left befuddled by the state of the odd-amounted Metrocard, we fall victim to the strange intricacies of the card machine, only to find eventual redemption.
• Jon Stewart attempts to save the Oscars from total irrelevance.
• Dow Jones CEO Peter Kann and his wife, Wall Street Journal publisher Karen Elliot House, leave the company, but not without a handsome payoff.
• Marc Kramer is hired as CEO of the Daily News. Les who?
• Observer editor Peter Kaplan looks to save the precious pink paper with the power of Bruce Wasserstein.
• West Virginian miners die in tragic explosion; media runs inaccurate, opposite story in tragic miscommunication.
• And in more bad news: the health of Israeli PM Ariel Sharon is not looking good .
• But cheer up, because Real Simple will soon suck on a tv near you!

'Member back to September 2004? When Martha Stewart decided she wanted to go to prison right away, rather than waiting to see how an appeal would go? When she said she just wanted "to put this nightmare behind me," though of course she was sure she'd be vindicated on appeal?

• It's been almost 5 years since publicist Lizzie Grubman mowed over 16 people at the Hamptons' Conscience Point Inn, but she's still doing her time in court. Yesterday Grubman answered questions for the only remaining civil suit, filed by a victim who suffered a bruised rib. Rest assured, it was a very expensive, pricey rib. [Page Six]
• Star Jones writes of her "intoxicatingly sexual relationship" with hubby Al Reynolds. You, in the meantime, gouge out your eyes and pray for some dark horsemen to make it all go away. [R&M]
• The reason behind Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson's split? He liked to wear her shoes. Paging Peter Braunstein! [People]
• Online casino BetUs.com offers Lindsay Lohan a nice Costa Rican rehab package if she'll shill for the site. Obviously, their publicist is Ronn [sic] Torossian. [Lowdown (2nd item)]
• Kevin Federline tells Ryan Seacrest that everything is "wonderful" between him and wife Britney Spears. Even better, they're NOT planning to have a second child just yet, so you can sleep soundly tonight. [IMDb]
• Page Six retracts yesterday's story about a bikini clad Sara Moonves (daughter of Les). That's what happens when you source shit through "Perez Hilton." [Page Six]

• We hate Time-Warner cable and their pathetic high-speed internet service, almost as much as we hate dealing with their mentally handicapped and surly customer service reps. If, however, we had Time-Warner CEO Dick Parsons to make those service phone calls for us, we might change our tune. [Consumerist]
• Because the money isn't the only thing that's dirty on Wall Street, enjoy some limericks. [UndertheCounter]
• Contrary to B&T belief, the coolest shoes do NOT come from Long Island City. We're not sure Long Island City has the "coolest" anything, to be honest. [What's the Code]
• And yet more insight into the strange syrupy smell, which seems to be more associated with Thursdays than Must See TV. [NYT]
• Mr. Pibb and Red Vines equals crazy delicious, yes, but wearing the thought does not. [Boing Boing]
• SAG and DGA awards nominees are announced, which means Academy members have to do a lot less thinking about their Oscar votes. [ABC]
• Google continues its reign of terror, dominating you in the most pleasurable, visual ways. [Reuters]
• And finally, congratulations to Nadine Nunnelee, the first teacher of 2006 to be arrested for having sex with a student. It's going to be a good year! [TSG]

We can't give any legal analysis on this other than our usual what-the-fuck, but: Peter Braunstein has pleaded not guilty to sexual assault charges. His legal team has indicated that they may be looking to work the "he's a crazy, mental bastard" defense, but they have yet to file a notice of intent.

Are we the only ones who saw this photo and immediately thought, "Go go, Gadget Graft!"

The Observer's Choire Sicha holds his breath and climbs to the top of NYT's Critical Shopper columnist Alex Kuczynski's $25,000 Pyramid. I bet it smells real nice up there. [Daily Transom]
Most outrageous statements in media of 2005, excluding Alex Kuczynski's American Express bill [Media Matters]
The Corsair Pirate Awards, Part Deux [The Corsair]
Write a limerick, win a Clap Your Hands Say Yeah ticket. Tell your grandkids about it one day. [Joe MF Brown]
Oh, THAT "Jew Rapist" [Google News]
Someone requested a Jake Gyllenhaal gay rumor. I can't oblige but how about some naughty butt-talk? [MSNBC]
Dudes, I'm sorry! Please love me and welcome me back! The barrage of email is harder to keep track of than you'd think. [TheSpunker]
UCB-attending ninjas save lives on the streets of NYC [cab drivers tell me i'm pretty]
William Falk, editor-in-chief of The Week magazine, talks about the stories you may have missed this year while you were standing in a check-out line reading Star magazine [NYT]
A reader asks: "Is it really that hard for the New York Times to find something to write about that they have to profile the SAME museum with the SAME exhibits twice in less than 3 months?" We reply: "It's Philly, who cares?" October 2005 and Today [NYT]

Because you're not doing any real work this week (we're certainly not — can you tell??), we're happy to present you all with the pattern to make your own Peter Braunstein doll. All you need is a Dixie cup, some paper, tape and scissors, all of which should be easy to find around your office. Simply click the image below to enlarge:

Authorities arrested two men yesterday for attempting to extort as much as $1 million in exchange for Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony's stolen wedding videos. Officers from the NYPD's Major Case Squad busted Jersey ex-con Tito Moses and retired postal worker Steven Wortman, who originally contacted Access Hollywood on December 8 with an offer to sell the footage.

The Daily News has an exclusive interview with Angele Braunstein, mother of alleged pervy firefighter Peter Braunstein. 71-year-old Angele visited her son in Bellevue yesterday and then spoke with the News, prompting them to run "He's Still My Boy" and "He Broke His Mom's Heart" headlines. You have to feel sorry for her, really: like a good mother, she has unflinchingly loved her son in the face of crisis (while only slightly selling him out to the press when appropriate).

• Lindsay Lohan will be hosting a New Year's eve party in Miami. Inexpicably, tickets are only $200 per person, which is quite the bargain for an opportunity to administer speedballs to an A-lister. [IMDb]
• San Antonio Spurs guard Tony Parker and girlfriend Eva Longoria are pulled over by a "Mexican bike cop." [NYDN]
• While at Pace University, foodie Rachel Ray squandered her tuition money, but Page Six doesn't disclose where the money went. Booze? Hookers? Drugs? Give us something, here. [Page Six]
• Ivana Trump's Australian luxury resort is reduced to a plebeian housing project. [Gatecrasher (2nd item)]
• It's MisShapes — the band. The music may suck, but we're sure their outfits are fantastic. [Page Six]

Just in time for Christmukkah (a phrase which, seeing as the first night of the Festival of Lights falls on Christmas, we can say with an ounce of legitimacy), sexual assault suspect Peter Braunstein has received a nicely-wrapped package of merry comeupance. Yesterday in Manhattan Supreme Court, the former Women's Wear Daily reporter was indicted on charges of arson, kidnapping, burglary, robbery and sexual abuse, and today brings Braunstein's arraignment. Fans of Law & Order will understand what this all means.

The Times has a mildly disturbing (but not really surprising) piece today revealing that since 2004, NYPD officers have participated undercover in a number of local protests, demonstrations and rallies. The covert surveillance has been revealed in a video of unofficial archive footage made available to the Times:

Yesterday was a sad day for the newspaper industry, as it was announced that Long Island Press columnist Amy Fisher will no longer write for the paper. Fisher, who was infamously imprisoned for shooting her lover Joey Buttafuco's wife in the face in 1992, has said she will exit the 135,000-circ daily and "move on to bigger things." According to one expert, Fisher was the paper's most famous columnist and, with her departure, the LIP may see a dip in readership:

The Daily News gets today's Smarty Pants Award: While today's news may indeed be the transit strike, most of us are still hungry for Peter Braunstein. It was a wise choice, then, to include a front-page photo of former Women's Wear Daily reporter and sexual assault suspect Peter Braunstein in handcuffs and scrubs. When we're at the newsstand, we always opt for the paper that features humiliating imagery. And those jailbird slippers certainly are a far cry from the glory days of stiletto molestation.

Now that sexual assault suspect Peter Braunstein is in custody, the real fun begins: reflecting on the past two months' search and angrily pointing fingers at every misstep along the way. Hurrah!

• Nick Lachey may sell his side of the divorce story to OK! magazine for $300k, complete with the help of Jamie-Lynn Sigler's ex-husband, A.J. DiScala. As if this weren't classy enough, Lachey may also be investing in megaclub Pacha. Dude's got to keep up with Jessica's post-breakup collagen, after all. [Page Six]
• FBI agents are investigating the Crazy Horse Too strip club in Vegas for racketeering and have interviewed some of the joint's biggest clients, including Robert DeNiro and George Clooney. Anything to get near Clooney, we suppose. [R&M]
• Let's put it this way: If Kate Moss's omni-addicted ex-boyfriend Pete Doherty doesn't have HIV, it's a Christmas miracle. [Page Six]
• Speaking of Christmas miracles, Naomi Campbell actually apologizes to David Bowie for getting her bitch on with Bowie's wife, Iman. [Gatecrasher]
• Nathan Lane mocks Brokeback Mountain on the Today show, and the actor's membership in the Gay Club is thus revoked. [Lowdown]
• Shirley MacLaine is no Paris Hilton. She is, however, quite the Nicole Richie. [Scoop]