When famed broadcaster Alistair Cooke (of Masterpiece Theatre fame) died in 2004, his family wanted to respect his wishes and scatter his ashes in Central Park. Since disposing of human cremains on park property is frowned upon by authorities, the family smuggled his ashes into the park in a Starbucks cup (we're assuming venti) and did the deed. That would be creepy enough, were it not for further revelations that, pre-cremation, Cooke's leg bones had been sawed off for sale by an illicit body-part retail ring run by "ex-dentist" Michael Mastromarino. According to the Daily News, owners of the New York Mortuary Service — one of Mastromarino's sources for people pieces — are taking a prosecution deal to detail the dismemberment and sale of "hundreds" of corpses. Regarding Cooke, the NYDN notes with characteristic restraint that "his cancer-ravaged bones were sold for more than $7,000." That's nasty, but at least his parts weren't used to beef up someone's insufficient pecker.

There's an amazing story in today's Sun. Lynda Delaney of Brooklyn was arguing with Daniel Ilardi, her stepfather, and she threw a pair of scissors at him. As you do. Unfortunately for Lynda (and, more importantly, Daniel) the scissors hit the right ventricle of his heart, killing him. "As of last night," the paper reports, "upgraded charges were pending as officials considered the freakishly on-target throw."

So it seems you can throw a man as many bachelor parties as you want; he's still gonna toss you overboard when push comes to shove. In what we at Gawker are claiming as a victory no matter the facts, Page Six has finally made mention of Girls Gone Wild auteur Joe Francis' reporter-assaulting ways. To be sure, they handle it delicately (it's more of a prostate exam than an anal rape, to put it in terms Francis would understand), suggesting merely that Francis might be wise to hire a P.R. person (we bet Lori Brown's available). They also end the piece on an up note: "Hoffman reports that Francis is working on extending the "Girls Gone Wild" brand with a feature film, ocean cruises, a fashion line and restaurant chain." No word yet on the molestations he's planning for fall, though.

"I've been anally raped over and over by the media."

As expected, both tabs give prominent coverage to the rescue of gorgeous, young Rachel Bruno. (The Post actually used four writers.) It turns out the State Senate Majority Leader's granddaughter was found wandering about Times Sqaure, and, wait for it - may have been "'forced into some type of conduct' by a man who once pleaded guilty to bribing cops for information about prostitutes." That's right, we've got a pretty blonde girl with political connections who may have been pimped out. Better yet, the alleged (or "self-declared," as the News has it) pimp? He's black! This is like the perfect storm of sleaze newspaper stories.

Really, you're just not going to see a lede better than this:

It's rare that we agree with Andrea Peyser, whose scowling column photo is generally an accurate predictor of the content within, but this Saturday she had a column that was shockingly good, by Post standards. Contrasting the coverage of the murders of Jennifer Moore and Imette St. Guillen to that of Brooklyn victim Chanel Petro-Nixon, Peyser made the all-too-correct point that we've heard little about Petro-Nixon's slaying because, well, she's black. It was a brave statement to make, especially in the Post, which covers bad things happening to pretty women with laser-like intensity. Peyser should be congratulated for using her column to point out the mainstream media's lack of interest in victims of color, as should the Post.

As billionaire financier Jeffrey Epstein is accused of soliciting underage women to give him massages and happy endings at his Palm Beach mansion, it should come as no surprise that he is similarly sketchy when it comes to his defense. The Palm Beach Post reports that some potential witnesses have been followed and/or offered money for their silence, being told that those who cooperate with the authorities will be "dealt with" (presumably said dealings will involve a strap-on). Additionally, in a magnificent stretch of legal maneuvering, Harvard law professor Alan Dershowitz met with the Palm Beach County State Attorney's Office to provide information discrediting the girls in question. And what better way to make a young woman look bad than with her own MySpace pages?

Let's talk about Nadia Marcinkova, supposed Douglas Elliman broker and special friend of accused perv Jeffrey Epstein. According to the affidavit released Wednesday, while in Palm Beach Marcinkova kept Epstein's underage "masseuses" busy with lots of lesbian sex, complete with "strap on dildos" and a "large rubber penis." And for this, her contribution to Epstein's alleged perversions should be commended.

According to an 87-page Palm Beach Police Department report, on April 17 billionaire moneybag and suspected hebephile Jeffrey Epstein agreed to plead guilty to an aggravated assault charge, serve five years probation, undergo "psychiatric/sexual evaluation," and have no unsupervised visits with minors. Epstein's then-counsel Guy Fronstin relayed that Epstein would accept the plea bargin and asked that investigators "call off the grand jury as they would accept this deal." It could've resulted in a somewhat smaller shitstorm, but the deal was never closed:

We may blithely skip about our safe and syringe-free streets, but if you're young and drunk (and at heart, who isn't?), this town will still shoot you or rape you or bludgeon you, leaving your body to be found on the side of a lonely road, outside of a crap club or in a dumpster.

For our last Jeffrey Epstein post of the day, some random gossip on the billionaire money man with a penchant for manually pleasuring himself and his underage "masseuses:"

At right, taken at the 2004 Tribeca Ball: (from left) Nadia Marcinkova, Michele Tagliani and Sarah Kellen. You have to feel sorry for Tagliani, being caught between two of Jeffrey Epstein's besties. Sarah Kellen was Epstein's assistant, helping the billionaire financier and alleged perv to procure underage girls (with the help of Haley Robson) for masturbatory massages, and escorting the girls in and out of his Palm Beach mansion. Nadia Marcinkova had the more exciting job: Epstein's lesbian sex toy.

Well, hello missy! This appears to be 20-year-old Haley Robson, originally of Royal Palm Beach, who at age 17 made herself a decent wad of fluid-soaked cash by giving billionaire financier Jeffrey Epstein a naked massage and later providing him a handful of other young masseuses aged 14-16. For all we know, Epstein may have these very Glamour Shots tucked away with a bottle of baby oil in his special self-love room.

Yesterday, the ugly truth came out: billionaires are twat hounds. Not all billionaires, that is, but certainly billionaire Jeffrey Epstein, a kooky Manhattan financier who helped fund Radar 2.0 and now, alas, is charged with a third-degree felony after asking a masseuse if she would give him a "happy ending" in his Palm Beach mansion. And as the Palm Beach Post reports, that masseuse was just one in a string of several young, often underage women. He sounds charming — let's get to know him, shall we?

In this inaugural edition of Gawker Crimebusters — and in our continuing effort to prove that we're not nearly as mean as you think we are — join us in locating blogger eminence Joshua Micah Marshall's missing vehicle. Grand theft auto'd right out of a Central Parking garage yesterday morning, the hot Volvo may even now cruise the streets of New York, unaware that our spies and eyes are everywhere. Details of the subject:

After yesterday's news that Jeffrey Epstein, the billionaire financier partially responsible for funding Radar 2.0, had been charged with a third-degree felony for asking a masseuse in his Palm Beach mansion to give him a tug and finish things off, some unsolicited, unconfirmed, completely unrelated gossip landed in the mailbox:

Courtesy of the Palm Beach County Sheriff's office — the Sears Portrait Studio for the yacht set.

In case you're wondering who or what Naomi Campbell's been beating lately, the abusive model — who's dealing with three lawsuits from former assistants — recently caused $54,000 worth of damage to the luxury yacht belonging to her then-boyfriend Badr Jafar. It was really all the chef's fault, you see, as his "tomato, mozzarella and dried ham starter with white wine" failed to please Campbell, who announced the culinary failure with a heated verbal reprimand that quickly became a shouting match. The chef made the mistake of screaming back, which obviously meant that Campbell had to throw plates and rip apart cushions and curtains. As this ultimately caused $54,000 worth of damage to Jafar's boat, Campbell and her beau have since parted ways the only way Campbell knows how — with a police presence. The UK Sun reports that Campbell went to Jafar's London residence on July 10 to pick up her belongings, a visit which went so amicably that Campbell was arrested for causing a "disturbance" outside.

"Fat Nick" Minucci, sentenced to fifteen years for an assault on a black man in Howard Beach, is about to head upstate, where authorities will decide if he needs to be kept in protective custody. His lawyer is unafraid: "Once black people know him, they love him."