$100,000 reward offered, FBI involved. [National Enquirer, Previously]

You're the leader of a global jihad and spend all your time fleeing from cave to cave and plotting only the vilest of terror attacks (gotta stay focused!). But extremist Middle Eastern editors are burning up your satellite phone with urgent demands for a book on how one "dispenses money, logistical support and training to radical groups in over 50 countries." Decentralized management is so hot right now! What's a would-be martyr to do? If you're Osama bin Laden, the answer of course is to hire a ghostwriter. Per Pakistan's Geo TV (via Times of India):

A horrifying true crime tale is unfolding today in our neighboring state. In South Brunswick the bodies of couple Michael and Kathleen Maltese were found in a park, and suspicion quickly pointed to their son, Michael A. Maltese, and his girlfriend Nicole Taylor. In a twist reminiscent of the current direction of Showtime series Dexter, the two decided to subsequently get engaged. It might not be Truman Capote macabre, but the full story will disturb you.The elder Maltese and his wife Kathleen were reported missing on October 17th, and they were found today in a park two miles from the mobile home where they lived. The two killers had been living on an inflatable mattress on floor of the victims' trailer home. The bodies were dumped into the shallow grave. The Star Ledger characterized the alleged mastermind:

This is the worst Friday we can remember since the last terrible one. Darnell Hudson, mother to almost universally loved Oscar-winner and American Idol contestant Jennifer Hudson, was murdered in Chicago today. "Investigators said two shooting victims were discovered inside a home belonging to Hudson's mother just before 3:00 this afternoon," local TV reports. The other victim: her brother Jason. Police are releasing no details except to say it was "domestic," which means... not a robbery, we suppose. Just sad.

Pittsburgh's KDKA is confirming that Ashley Todd wholly invented the "mugging" and attack by a black guy who carved a "B" on her face because she supports John McCain story. Christ. The college republicans continue their hot streak! "The investigation is continuing as officials determine what charges will be filed." Poor dumb idiot racist kid. [KDKA]

John McCain's brother Joe got in a bit of trouble earlier this month for inventing the McCain campaign's new justification for losing in red states like Virginia: the part of Virginia they are losing in is not real Virginia, it is "communist country." Joe McCain, 65, is a former reporter who has largely stayed out of the spotlight this year because he's worried he might say something damaging to his brother's campaign. Something like, you know, calling half of Virginia "communist country" or maybe calling 911 to complain about traffic, cursing at the 911 operator in disgust, and then calling back to complain further. It would really be a shame, a hilarious shame, if the recordings of those two 911 calls were released to the local media, and then posted on this blog. Did we mention that he calls back after cursing and hanging up? Click and enjoy! [ABC7]

[Update: The hoax has been confirmed.] So poor Ashley Todd, right? She's the woman who says she was mugged in Pittsburgh Wednesday night (the wrong part of the Pittsburgh, with the Italians) by a black man. And the black man became incensed when he saw her McCain bumper sticker, on her car, and he carved a "B" into her cheek. What a terrible story! Oh but the police have re-interviewed Ms. Todd, and now the story is a little bit different, in that the car and bumper sticker part is out. After the jump, the new story of this terrible hate crime, and also, because we are assholes, selections from Ms. Todd's MySpace page! You will not like her very much, we're guessing.

Sad news for fans of sophisticated financial swindles: Raffaello Follieri, the con man ex-boyfriend of pixie-like actress Anne Hathaway, has been sentenced to four and a half years in THE SLAMMER for defrauding various investors in his fake-ass imaginary company out of $2 million or so. The Post scored this sweet photo of Follieri, Hathaway, and the Pope, which the Italian pretty boy tried to use for sympathy. Did not work!

[Update: The attack was made-up!] The Smoking Gun found the Twitter stream of the John McCain campaign volunteer who reported being attacked by a Barack Obama supporter earlier tonight. The volunteer, Ashley Todd, was blogging just before and after the incident, and her Twitter posts were available to the public up until a few hours ago, when she set them to private. That's probably prudent: a presidential campaign trying to peel working-class voters away from the Democrats probably doesn't want people getting the wrong idea about what it means when one of its volunteers calls Little Italy "the wrong side of Pittsburgh."

[Update: Surprise! It's a hoax!] A woman in Pittsburgh was mugged and beaten near an ATM last night by "a dark-skinned black man, 6 feet 4 inches tall, 200 pounds with a medium build, short black hair and brown eyes." She was robbed of $60. This wouldn't be news except that, according to the woman's testimony, the mugger "became angry when he saw a McCain bumper sticker on the victim's car. The attacker then punched and kicked the victim, before using the knife to scratch the letter 'B' into her face." Even then this wouldn't be news beyond the Pittsburgh Metro Area except that Matt Drudge has broken out the 72-point red font. Because he wishes to press the narrative he's been trying against the odds to push all month: that Democrats are becoming violent. So there you go. Do with this information what you will. File it right next to the person whose house was shot at because (or maybe not because!) they had a McCain sign up. According to the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, the woman refused medical treatment after the Liberal Mugger attacked her. Update: Ok. Uh. We're just going to report this without comment: the 'B' appears to be backwards. (Drudge is currently leading with the same image, we have no idea where it came from.)

A Manhattan judge handed down a 4 1/2-year sentence to Raffaello Follieri this afternoon on wire fraud, money laundering and conspiracy charges. Anne Hathaway's ex-boyfriend is expected to serve his sentence at either Fort Dix or Otisville. (He'll have to cough up a $1,400 fine, too.) But he's really sorry: "I just hope that someday those who have been hurt by my actions will forgive me," he said to the judge through a translator. [People]

Early Monday morning, Arkansas news anchor Anne Pressly—who had a bit part as Ann Coulter in the new movie W—was attacked and stabbed in her home. By Tuesday she was national news. By Wednesday, she was international news, and the less savory members of the media were scrambling point out that it had not been ruled out that she could have been attacked by a crazy political Hollywood stalker potential serial killer. Today, even the Post acknowledges that police think the attack was likely random. Which of course means that the conspiracy angle will be back tomorrow. Get well soon, Anne!

Yesterday we told you that Anne Pressly, an Arkansas morning news anchorwoman who played an Ann Coulter-like pundit in the new Oliver Stone flick W, was attacked and stabbed in her home early Monday morning (she's now expected to recover). The crime has predictably attracted a lot of international attention: it involves a pretty woman, a journalist, Hollywood, and politics. So what new facts have we learned about the case today? None at all, really. Unless you ask the media, in which case, CONSPIRACY?!?!?: In a neat trick, various news outlets are now able to go with totally opposite angles on this story—based on no new facts, and also sometimes based upon the same exact sources! New York Post:

Alaska Senator Ted Stevens is terribly, ridiculously, cartoonishly corrupt. After 40 years in the Senate you're either a little corrupt or a lot corrupt, and Ted chose option two, knowing that even the very corrupt rarely pay a price. But now the 84-year-old American Hero is on trial! All because he never reported hundreds of thousands of dollars of gifts from the oil industry and local Alaska businessman friends! The trial is already nearing a sad end, so let's remember the good times. Like this exchange from yesterday, in which Ted explains that a $2,695 massage chair that a local restaurateur gave him was not a gift.

Anne Pressly, the anchorwoman of a 5 a.m. TV newscast in Little Rock, Arkansas, was attacked in her home, beaten, and stabbed some time early Monday morning. She's now in critical condition. Her other claim to fame: she played (a younger, more attractive) Ann Coulter in the new Oliver Stone flick W. And like the restaurant critic yesterday who was attacked in Albany, there seems to be some suspicion Pressly may have been specifically targeted:

Rep. Vito Fossella was convicted of driving under the influence in a Virginia courtroom last week. This came after Fossella's attorney offered up a rather novel defense: the congressman wasn't really drunk, he'd just used a lot of hand sanitizer that day, and it was all that goo that was responsible for his blood-alcohol level testing above the legal limit. Fortunately, Slate has the answer to the big question that has been looming ever since: No, it turns out, rubbing your hands with Purell every other minute of the day will not get you drunk. Although considering it's 120-proof, chugging it certainly will. [Slate]

Cole Puffinburger, the six-year-old who was abducted from his house on Wednesday by drug dealers who had been ripped-off by his grandfather, was found wandering the streets a few miles from his Las Vegas home last night. Police say he's in "extremely good condition." Cole was taken Wednesday when three men claiming to be cops showed up at his mother's house and demanded cash from his mother and her fiance. When they said they didn't have any, the men ransacked the place and made off with the boy. An Amber Alert was issued—the first in Nevada history—but it was called off yesterday even though Cole was still missing. Police said the alert had run its course. Meanwhile, Federal Marshalls arrested Cole's grandfather, Clemens Tinnemeyer, 51, in California early Saturday, hoping he would lead them to the child's kidnappers—Mexican drug dealers from whom he'd stolen money.

Despite their obvious evil, the monkeys have a shadow army, a veritable fifth column of monkey apologist humans secretly working to secure their overthrow of mankind. Some of them even live with the hairy hellions! When the law caught up with California human David Grigorian—who was sharing his Van Nuys home with a marmoset known only as Cheeta—he was ordered to hand the monkey over to Game and Wildlife officials, since he didn't have a permit for the animal. Instead, the monkey sympathizer showed up in court this week with a photo of Cheeta posing with a Mexian newspaper to convince a judge that the vine-climbing menace had fled south of the border. Eventually, Grigorian admitted he and Cheeta were still living in sin and turned in his partner. But it's all too easy to blame the human when a simian gets into mischief. After all, the guy was probably just a patsy.

Add to the "email murder," "death by text message," and "MySpace suicide" this technology-enabled homicide: Wayne Forrester, a 34-year-old British man has confessed that while drunk and high on cocaine, he stabbed his wife Emma to death over an update she made to her Facebook profile. She had changed her status on the social network to "single" after her husband moved out. A new way to announce a breakup, but the oldest of stories. Technology does not change human nature; if anything, it amplifies it.

Is the tumbling real estate market making people snap? Earlier this week, Mathias Guerrand-Hermès, an heir to the French fashion company and a real estate investor, went nuts on an Air France flight, allegedly attacking the crew and grabbing the pilot's crotch. Today we learn that real estate mogul Kent Swig (left) was assaulted last month by business partner Yair Levy, who now stands accused of beating Swig with a metal ice bucket over an Upper West Side real estate deal gone sour.