An illegal immigrant — and not Rep. Gary Condit — is expected to be arrested for the murder of Chandra Levy who was having an affair with the California Congressman when she disappeared in 2001.

A trustee overseeing the dissolution of Bernie Madoff's $50 billion Ponzi scheme says the former Wall Street statesman, a pioneer of computerized trading, apparently hadn't purchased securities for customers in 13 years.

As if it wasn't bad enough that Bernie Madoff went and took millions from wealthy Jewish people in Palm Beach and then made it disappear, it seems some gentiles down there are happy about it!

Whatever it is Bernie Madoff's been up to the last 13 years, we now know one thing he wasn't doing was investing his clients' cash. Irving Picard, the trustee liquidating Madoff's investment firm, said today that he's found no evidence that Madoff purchased any securities on behalf of customers in "at least 13 years." He also said that he's received 2,350 claims so far, and that a handful of subpoenas have been issued, including one to "a hair salon called Blow Styling Salon located blocks away from Mr. Madoff's Manhattan penthouse apartment." Can't wait to hear about that one! [WSJ, NYT]

Remember that scene in The Wrestler where Mickey Rourke's character buys steroids from that big muscly guy? Well that guy, named Scott Siegel, has just been arrested. For selling steroids. You know, in real life.

Everybody say goodbye to NYPD officer Patrick Pogan, famous for shoving a rider off his bike for no good reason—he's been fired. He'd probably make a better Benedictine monk, anyhow. Pogan's classic moment below:

The pictures of Rihanna's injured face are disturbing. It's not just our commenters debating whether they should have been published Thursday, or readers broadly; editors throughout the celebrity-industrial complex disagreed, too.

A picture obtained by TMZ apparently reveals Rihanna's facial injuries reportedly inflicted by her boyfriend Chris Brown. The awful image (full size after jump) would appear to confirm some rumors about the injuries.

Michael Phelps will be in distinguished company at the World Business Forum, joining Jack Welch, T. Boone Pickens and George Lucas at Radio City Music Hall. Phelps' lecture? How to "relax."

Allen Stanford, the Texas billionaire fingered by the FBI this week for an $8 billion financial scam, tried to go underground. But now he's been caught! In Virginia! The land of lovers—of money:

Allen Stanford, the billionaire financier accused of bilking investors out of an estimated $8 billion, has been located following a nationwide search. The FBI found him in Fredericksburg, Virginia this afternoon and served him with the SEC's complaint. His lobbyist says Stanford is "very depressed," by the way; thanks for your concern. [ABC News]

The Iraqi shoe-thrower guy was in court today and he has a pretty awesome defense: President Bush was not a "guest," so throwing a shoe at him was not even impolite.

Bernie Madoff has turned into the devil incarnate for stealing money from various charity groups and schools. As of today, though, he may no longer be the most evil Ponzi schemer around. Meet Marvin Cooper. The founder of a company called Billion Coupons—the name alone should have been a warning sign, no?—Cooper now stands accused of bilking deaf people by holding investment seminars at deaf community centers. And here we were thinking we'd already reached the bottom of human depravity! [NYT/Dealbook]

Something called "All Headline News" was ripping off AP news stories with nary a change or credit. So the AP sued them! Yesterday a judge let the AP's copyright suit go forward. One problem:

Henry Matyjewicz was arrested for being the infamous Poster Boy. But is he really? He's still discussing it vaguely, at great length! Interesting interview, but no mas till after your trial, dude. Cops read. [NYPress]

Allen Stanford, the Texas billionaire charged yesterday in an $8 billion fraud by the SEC, apparently lied to his clients about all kinds of things. Including not losing any money to Bernie Madoff.

Lo: Remember the Good Old Days of journalism, when NYC precinct houses were full of dozens of grizzled, worldly reporters covering gritty city crime? Now it's just one 23 year-old from the Brooklyn Paper.

Muzzammil Hassan started Bridges TV in part to counter Muslim stereotypes. Instead, people are debating whether his brutal alleged murder of his wife was an Islamic honor killing.

After Bernie Madoff ran a $50 billion Ponzi scheme undetected, SEC regulators have been desperate to prove they haven't been sleeping on the job. Robert Allen Stanford's $8 billion CD scam is a gift.

Swimming champion and amateur bud enthusiast Michael Phelps will not face charges stemming from the infamous bong picture that recently surfaced. Eight of his fellow partygoers, previously arrested for possession, have been cleared.