Somali pirates have hijacked a cargo ship "carrying bags of cement." Well...good effort.

Former media mogul Conrad Black — who was recently released on bond from his six-plus year prison sentence for stealing millions of dollars from his businesses — has penned a column for Toronto's National Post. Hint: prison is unfair!

Al Gore will be resting easier this weekend. Prosecutors in Portland say they're dropping the investigation into whether the former Vice President sexually assaulted a masseuse in a Portland hotel room in 2006 "due to a lack of credible evidence."

As you know, Snooki was arrested today in Seaside Heights for disorderly conduct. And judging by this video—obtained moments ago by TMZ—in which Snooki attempts (and fails) to get on a bike, it's not hard to imagine why.

TMZ reports that Jersey Shore guidette Snooki was just arrested on the beach in Seaside Heights for "disorderly conduct." When is she ever orderly? Details are still sketchy, but we already have our "Free Snooki" T-shirts made.

21-year-old Matthew Clemmens forced himself to vomit on a guy he was fighting with in the stands of a Phillies-Nationals game in April. Now he's been sentenced to 1-2 months in jail. The maximum sentence was two years.

Jeffrey Epstein, the billionaire Bill Clinton pal who just left jail after completing a sentence for soliciting sex with a minor, may be headed back soon: The Daily Beast reports that the Justice Department is investigating him for child trafficking.

Many of you are probably asking yourselves: How will I make money in our jobless, dystopian future, in which the "normal" economy is dead? The answer: gambling, drugs, and cigarettes. Everything old is new again! For now.

In your wicked Thursday media column: Time gets graphic, the New York Post doesn't know how to apologize, reporters kidnapped in Mexico, even more sex-related troubles for Sumner Redstone, and a PR service is advertising with Fox News' reputation.

We come to you with a heavy heart to report that our long municipal nightmare of messy legal incidents involving women riding the subway with their tiny dogs still persists. Will New York ever be safe, for subway dogs?

A couple was arrested after the bodies of eight newborn babies were uncovered in France, some buried in the garden of a home that was recently sold. The case is the latest in a string of similar crimes in France.

Christopher Stone, the sleazy owner of the teen gossip/porn websites stickydrama and sticky-n00dz has been bragging recently about how he got into law school. Attention, mysterious law school! This man spends his free time harassing teenagers and videotaping live rapes.

New details on sexy Russian blackmarket smuggler Anna Fermanova: She hid her contraband goods in Ugg boots in her carry-on bag, and her husband was deported to Russia for fraud and identity theft. He's an importer and currency trader. [TSG]

Former Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich's fate is now in the hands of a jury.

A lady goes to a store to apply for a job. On the way out, she steals an outfit. She wears the outfit to her interview and does not get caught, until she shoplifts again. On her way out. Again.

Quite a story in the NYT today about the trial of David Brooks, CEO of a body-armor company who ripped off the US military for millions. Okay, maybe his $100,000 belt buckle was excessive. But the prostitutes? Totally legit.

Famous Belgian visual artist Jan De Cock was questioned by authorities yesterday after making a veiled threat to a flight attendant during a flight to New York. Too many cocktails? You are not the cock-of-the-walk, sir. [NYP. Pic via]

Riding a Brooklyn-bound 4 train, amateur photographer Kate Black noticed a man "pitching a tent" and "thrusting his hips" in ladies' faces. Thinking quickly, Kate photographed him, then declared a jihad against the pervert on her Flickr page.

Hollywood burglar Alexis Neiers shared a jail cell block with Lindsay Lohan, which is either great luck for limelight-addicted Alexis (more interviews) or terrible luck (all anyone wants to talk about is Lindsay). Here's what she has to say.

Last week, a house on Staten Island burned to the ground, killing the entire Jones family—four children and a mother. Most had their throats cut. Police blamed C.J., the allegedly murderous 14 year-old son. Now, they've cleared him. Whoops?