· Mercifully, the second season of The Two Coreys came to a close this weekend. The Haimster spent all season trying to convince Felddog, his therapist, Nelle, the show's producers and everyone watching the show that he didn't have a drug problem. While it may be true that his addiction to the hard stuff is in the past, the one-car accident that he got into in the season finale certainly shows that prescription drugs still play a significant role in his life. Until next season... [The Two Coreys] · Looking for a good way to kill about 20 minutes of your workday? Try the Empire Magazine poster quiz on for size. Full disclosure: We just got 23/46. [Empire] · Spaghetti, opera, white wine and cardigans with rolled-up sleeves: what the '80s were all about. [Goldenfiddle] · While won't go so far as to say that this girl's Katie Holmes impression tops our own Molly McAleer's Lindsay Lohan impression, there's no denying that this girl has got a lot of Miss Cruise's mannerisms down pat. [Fromacloset's YouTube] · You might the remember that the Tumblrverse nearly collapsed onto itself when a rash of What Would [Insert Mad Men Character Here] Do? sites burst onto the scene a few weeks back. But rather on pontificate on what these group of fictional characters might do, why not spend time time going through the list of things that '80s hero MacGyver actually did? [List Of Problems Solved By MacGyver via Core 77]

Forget the anti-"retard" class rallying against Tropic Thunder — you know who really needs a nationwide boycott on his behalf? Corey Haim, whose long, troubling emotional slip-slide took a sharp downward turn into "exploited batshit crazy" Sunday night on The Two Coreys. But don't just take his perceptive mother's word for it ("I have seen a little bit of a decline in his behavior. I really have"); after the jump have a look at dress rehearsals for his putative comeback, featuring the actor himself as the verbally abusive, word-slurring hat-seeker who discovers terror in his very own bathroom as Judy Haim looks on. It could always be worse, we suppose — Corey Feldman doesn't sing or moonwalk — but when we say "Save Corey," we actually kind of mean it. [A&E]

We hate to pile on more misery for Corey Feldman, having just spit his final goodbyes at former best friend Corey Haim after a tender sneaker-note gesture went awry. But we simply had to share some recently unearthed lost performance footage, in which the actor/poolside musician—who spoke out against Michael Jackson during that singer's 2005 child molestation trial—appears to be singing in white-soul-inflected tongues while being possessed by the groin-thrusting spirit of the deposed Pop King himself. The YouTube page hosting this monstrosity comes with an appropriately severe caution ("Warning! This video is very disturbing!"), but we encourage you to tough it through to the very end, if only to experience the vicarious sweet release of one audience member who had simply had enough.

The incessant squabbling between Corey Feldman and Corey Haim reached its logical conclusion on last night's The Two Coreys, when Haim—fresh off a botched chance at career resuscitation on the set of Lost Boys 2—was cornered by Pauly Shore and Todd Bridges for an intervention/'80s-TV-theme-singalong gone terrible wrong (video after the jump). What comes next is something so horrible—worse even than Feldman's ear-shredding poolside recital—that our shaking hands can barely type the words to describe it: A note left inside one of Haim's sneakers (nice touch, story editing department!) leads to a nuclear showdown between the two soured bromance partners and Mrs. Susie Sprague-Feldman. Does this mark the very end for the two lifelong friends? Will they never again stand-by-side, posing playfully with Popsicles as if they were lit stogies? We pray that's not the case, but we fail to see how they'll ever be able to replace the smoking rubble where once stood sturdy bridges. Until the next episode, at least.

Much like peanut butter and jelly, Corey Haim and Corey Feldman are considerably more enjoyable together than when they are split apart. But during the second season of The Two Coreys, the forces of nature (not to mention a shady psychologist) seem hellbent on tearing the duo apart. Things between The Coreys came to a head during last night's episode and the results shook our young videographer, Miss Molly McAleer, to her very core. In tonight's installment of To Do's, Molls makes some compelling arguments as to why her Corey allegiances lie the way they do. Enjoy!

From full-page "hire-me" ads to shill-tastic film-festival crashing, we've recently observed the trajectory of Corey Feldman and Corey Haim's relationship with us and each other taking an unusual U-shape. The nadir (we think) appears in this sneak-peek of Sunday's The Two Coreys when, in a testament to love and tone-deafness, Feldman serenaded his wife Susie with a little string-accompanied tune you can hear after the jump. Then join us in comparing and contrasting Feldman's Otis-Redding-by-way-of-chainsaw delivery with a few of the duo's other travails captured here diligently in recent months. Where will it end? Or, more to the point: Will it end?

We've already seen how Corey Haim's first day of work on the Lost Boys sequel—what should really have been a day for triumphs and smiles—quickly turned into a bloodsoaked, Euripidean tragedy. But what if we were to turn the clocks back to eight hours before his trailer meltdown? Thanks to The Two Coreys, we become a fly on the wall of Haim's improbably plush living quarters, watching him pace nervously as he attempts, via repetition of the mantra, "Breathe, dog," to locate his canine center.

After sufficiently mourning the split between Justin Long and Drew Barrymore by giving our iBook a tearful embrace, we found ourselves facing a familiar Drew-inspired dilemma: figuring out who the serial dater extraordinaire will add to her illustrious list of ex-boyfriends next. Even before sort of settling down with the Strokes’ token hottie Fabrizio Moretti, Barrymore winked and giggled her way into the hearts of a wildly eccentric group of actors, musicians, comedians, sex tape vendors, drug addicts, directors and Firecrotch ranters. She’s aimed high (Leo), low (Feldman), and was an early member of the Lesbian Chic bandwagon. After the jump, we take a look at all her past paramours in order to narrow down our own suggested candidates for the next round.

After last week's harrowing episode of The Two Coreys, in which fallen teen angel Corey Haim was led to the Defamer comments section like a sacrificial, desperately-seeking-series-regular-work lamb, we stumbled upon a comment of interest. (Yes, this was a commenter commenting upon a clip of Haim reading our comments: sort of the post-cultural equivalent of staring into one of those fabulous '70s infinity mirrors.)

· Corey Haim spent an entire segment of The Two Coreys surfing the Defamer comment section and walked away emotionally damaged. But darker days are looming ahead.
· Angelina Jolie gave birth to the Chosen Twins! No wait, it was just another false alarm.
· McLovin and some starlets, sittin' in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G. First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes some little McLovins in a baby carriage! But wait, watch out for that lightning storm!
· Madonna's frosty marriage to Guy Ritchie came thisclose to breaking down this week when reports surfaced that she's been fielding grounders from New York Yankees star Alex Rodriguez. And Lenny Kravitz has something to do with it.
· Your job's a joke, you're broke, your love life's DOA. But don't fret! There's a Friends movie on the way (maybe).
· We wished the happiest of happy birthdays to Lindsay Lohan and Tom Cruise.
· We busted out our long lost graphing calculator and got all scientific on your asses by examining the comedic rise and fall of Mike Myers.
· Nude Nicole Kidman vs. the fully clothed Katie Holmes proved to be an uneven fight.
· Fanboys from sea to shining sea creamed their collective jeans when Megan Fox dumped Brian Austin Green. Brett Ratner called dibs and already has some erotic literature ready for their first date.
· Denise Richards carefully explained to her 13-year-old nephew exactly what a threesome is.
· At long last, anal lubricant got the recognition it so justly deserves.

As your mind has likely already checked out for the long weekend, and is far away gnawing on a corndog and oohing and aahing the dazzling detonations dancing across your TV screen courtesy of XBox 360's Fireworks Tycoon, we thought we'd tax it as little as possible today. Perfect solution: A&E's Corey Vs. Corey, an online game in which the original bromance partners—now mortal enemies—fight each other in a sort of Mortal-Flameout Kombat.

It's rare that one feels as though they can make a difference on this Big Blue Marble—even more so when that difference directly affects an internationally beloved movie star who's fallen upon hard times. And yet there Defamer was, driving a harrowing sequence from last night's The Two Coreys. At first, we were paralyzed by the "He knows we exist!"-effect that occurs when any lowly Movable Type drone is acknowledged by an eight-times undefeated Tiger Beat Fantasy Boyfriend of the Month. But we soon enough regained rudimentary use of our limbs as we observed Haim being guided by new assistant Nelle to our post about his "I'm ready to work" Variety notice—already considered a masterpiece of the self-perpetuated-comeback trade-ad genre.

· Things we learned at the Los Angeles Film Festival this week. School Of Rock 2 isn't a pipe dream. Guillermo del Toro isn't going to milk The Hobbit. Women deserve equal talk show hosting rights, too. Nobody wanted to make Animal House. Chris Carter is as secretive as ever. Did somebody order stake?
· The battle between the Paps and the Surfs was kinda like the Greasers versus the Socs, only with the newly blackberry-less Matthew McConaughey playing the role of Dally. But what of the rematch?
· Mini-Me showed the world his mini-me, which should help him knock down that large tax debt.
· Raffaello Follieri, Anne Hathaway's sketchball ex, got pinched for attempting to defraud God. A judge set bail at $21 million, but who's gonna take care of the dog?
· Mary Kate Olsen de-pruned herself long enough to convince Dave Letterman that her old arch enemy Spencer Pratt is, indeed, a prat.
· No one was safe as we counted down the Hollywood's Top Ten Worst Kissers.
· Wall-E manged to get fatties and Republicans up in arms without saying a word.
· Whoa, who raped the Coreys? One mystery solved, one to go.
· AC Slater found himself embroiled in Chesthairgate.
· The Emasculation of Joshua continued, as Katherine Heigl used her whipped husband as an ashtray and made him curl her hair. Joshua did not escape unscathed.
· You can ongratulate Jason Bateman on the impending Arrested Development movie, but be sure you don't bring up pregnant teens.
· We had a dream. We had an awesome dream. Mainly b/c it was filled with lesbian werewolves.
·: Noted blog-hater Patrick Goldstein entered the blogosphere. We can only guess how many of his 1,100 pageviews came from his IP address.
· Which groovy comedy superstar is openly courting other men to touch his monkey? Perhaps they should frequent the Fox and Sony lots?
· Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, tits. We'll miss you, George.

We've already heard enough stars insisting that those sex scenes we find either major turn-ons (Mickey Rourke force-feeding Kim Basinger strawberries on the kitchen floor in 9 1/2 Weeks) or majorly eye-scarring (Heather Graham faking her way through grainy limo thrusts in Boogie Nights) are totally perfunctory while filming. With the massive crew surrounding them, the sudden lighting checks, and simple fact that they've gotta feign spontaneous heat take after take, we've leaned towards taking their word for it. And as it turns out, no matter how big the star or legendary their prowess in the bedroom, even simple kissing scenes with the most gorgeous A-listers around range from "awkward and sweaty" to "slightly icky and sort of wet." Where Tom Cruise, Angelina Jolie, Harrison Ford, Leonardo DiCaprio and more rank on the list of Worst On-Screen Kissers after the jump.

Corey Feldman's brave hike back from the post-confessional, gofer-sex-abuse wilderness began Tuesday night in Westwood, where he dropped by the LA Film Festival to introduce a screening of The Lost Boys and suffer a clip from the vampire classic's forthcoming straight-to-DVD sequel, Lost Boys: The Tribe. We use the term "classic" loosely; the 1987 original doesn't age that well, but for its cast alone remains one of its era's more interesting (and better-looking) time capsules. And in relation to what we saw of its follow-up's kind of embarrassing exploitation effort, it's just about perfect.

While everyone just assumed it was Michael Jackson that Corey Feldman was referring to when he and Corey Haim played a game of childhood-sex-abuse one-upmanship on The Two Coreys—a dark series of admissions that coincided nicely with that reality show's season premiere and the upcoming release of The Lost Boys 2—it turns out that the Bubbles-Toting One played no part in the scarring recollections. Feldman revealed to GQ that the the abuse came at the hands of his assistant, back when Hollywood assistants' hands weren't already occupied with Blackberrys and Venti Lattés. From Page Six:

• Ashley Dupre, call girl to former Gov. Eliot Spitzer, thanked her MySpace fans "for taking the time to send me a bit of strength and inspiration... your words have touched me." She thanked her detractors for making "me push myself and want it even more." [MySpace]

After the troubling events that brought Season One of The Two Coreys to its Corey-splintering conclusion, we honestly weren't sure if we'd ever see the two best friends and faded idols in the same room again. Still, as all of Hollywood knows by now, Haim is ready to work, and work—that undependable mistress—eventually came: Haim was a last-minute addition to The Lost Boys 2, necessitating the above reunion in a diner booth. And while we've always enjoyed the lightly structured drama that propels each and every episode, nothing prepared us for the bombshell revelations that would come tumbling out of the Bottomless Coffee Thermos of Shame. Did Corey H. just say he was "raped?" Did Corey F. just respond by saying he was "molested?"

An overly excited Corey Haim made a semi-triumphant return to mainstream filmmaking yesterday afternoon on the set of Crank 2. Haim told anybody who'd listen to him that it was the first time he's been on a real set since License To Drive, then proceed to fill his pockets and canvas bags with various items from the craft services table. After Haim was taken to his trailer, he asked the production assistant when will they come by to take orders for the drugs that they're going to need to get through the day.

The Internet is celebrating Monday's first day of shooting on Crank 2: High Voltage the only way it really knows how: by circulating topless shots of co-star Amy Smart on location. Already knowing the plot (Jason Statham jams all over town to keep his artificial ticker above a lethal heart rate) and its general means of execution (public sex between Statham and Smart, for starters), we now have only the remaining mystery of how and exactly why Smart is bumming around the set with gaffer's tape on her nipples. After the jump, we think we may have discovered the root of her modesty.