It's rare that one feels as though they can make a difference on this Big Blue Marble—even more so when that difference directly affects an internationally beloved movie star who's fallen upon hard times. And yet there Defamer was, driving a harrowing sequence from last night's The Two Coreys. At first, we were paralyzed by the "He knows we exist!"-effect that occurs when any lowly Movable Type drone is acknowledged by an eight-times undefeated Tiger Beat Fantasy Boyfriend of the Month. But we soon enough regained rudimentary use of our limbs as we observed Haim being guided by new assistant Nelle to our post about his "I'm ready to work" Variety notice—already considered a masterpiece of the self-perpetuated-comeback trade-ad genre.

The sensitive actor's face then projected a gamut of emotions as he digested the various observations left by our illustrious, if tact-deficient, commenting community. For every heartening message pledging lifelong devotion, there was an equally callous put-down. It all proved too much for a star whose skin was never thickened by the unforgiving Age of the Internets: Haim stormed onto the deck of his improbably swank home, wondering why his detractors had to "type anything? Why read my article?" Sure, Haim has a little trouble discerning between an "article" and a "self-promotional print advertisement"—but that doesn't make the moment any less heart-wrenching. Quentin—just watch that unsolicited VHS audition he submitted for Inglorious Bastards already, so we can all put the rough years and tears behind us, and finally toast to Corey's too-long-overdue return.