The secret venture capital cabal Mike Arrington faced off against in San Francisco bar last night might be in serious trouble. But the conspiracy's hapless incompetence is actually rather comical.

For his 114th birthday, Montana's Walter Breuning—the world's oldest man—was visited by the governor, reporters, and representatives from the Masonic, Shrine and Scottish Rite groups. Holy shit, the Masons? This must be some kind of longevity conspiracy! [NYDN]

Taiwanese newspaper publisher Next Daily posted a great video of Steve Jobs becoming a ninja and attacking airport security. What is the truth about the Apple CEO's martial arts skills, and why aren't U.S. media investigating? A conspiracy, perhaps?

Last September, Barack Obama addressed the nation's schoolchildren to start the new academic year, and conservatives went insane. Many parents worried that Obama would "indoctrinate" their children with Marxism. So where's the angry chorus for this year's same speech?

Let us put a tin-foil protective case around our iPhone 4 for a second. A tipster has sketched the eerie outline of a massive Apple campaign of deception: Are Apple stores creepy fantasy lands, stuffed with paid extras?

Congressman Ron Paul says it's a "possibility" that there's no gold at Fort Knox or the New York Fed. He may be right about the latter: The bad guys in Die Hard 3 did steal a lot of that gold.

Alleged President Obama sat down with 30 Rock cast member Brian Williams on Sunday to talk about some... French city? Or something? Who even knows?? Because the important part is that Obama once again rejected the demands of millions of reasonable Americans, who are just naturally suspicious of this black fellow claiming to be president. See, Obama told Williams that he "can't spend all of my time with my birth certificate plastered on my forehead." Oh, and why is that, "Mister" "President"? Most likely because you can't plaster something to your forehead... if it doesn't exist.

A new poll today showed that slightly more Americans think Barack Obama is a Muslim. It's no big deal. Still, a White House spokesman has responded, "The president is obviously a Christian. He prays everyday." What a nerd. [Pic: Gawker.TV]

Would it be diffcult to game news aggregation giant Digg's simple up-vote/down-vote system for selecting links for its heavily-trafficked front page? Not really: The right-wing group "Digg Patriots" appears to have engaged in a multiyear effort to "bury" left-leaning sites.

Cigarette smuggling is big business in Iran. And the most popular brand is Marlboro, which an Iranian official yesterday warned is "tainted with nuclear materials" as part of a sinister plot by producer Phillip Morris, "which is led by Zionists."

Apple is undermining American churches, say two Texas A&M professors, because Steve Jobs is on the way to replacing Jesus. Why would anyone think such a thing? Just look at the parallels.

This is a video made by The Onion in 2007, showing a congressman—played by an actor—read out a largely classified bill about a zombie invasion. Recently, it's been making the rounds on Facebook—but not as a satire.

Another old leak from JournoList, the late off-the-record listserve of liberal pundits, has proven that leftists control all media! Some bloggers were apparently so upset with a 2008 debate that they conspired to write an open letter.

According to the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration's "State of the Climate" report, last month was the warmest June on record worldwide. Last month also saw the lowest recorded level of Artic sea ice. [NOAA]

Healthy eater Rush Limbaugh yesterday attacked the "leftist kooks" at the Center for Science in the Public Interest for their intent to sue McDonald's over its Happy Meal toy promotions, and said they "want to ban Chinese food."

Pentagon investigators are supposedly "desperately searching" for Wikileaks founder Julian Assange, the Australian paranoiac who's always putting government secrets online, and is allegedly sitting on a big batch of intercepted State Department cables. We think we know where he is!

We won't know if our coverage of the Whoomper conspiracy will win a Pulitzer Prize for another 10 months or so. But at least it's earned the approval of Stephen Colbert. Tonight he dug into Obama's music video "cameo."

Was Barack Obama in the music video for Tag Team's 1993 single "Whoomp! (There It Is)"? No! Here's proof: We spoke to Tag Team themselves. They told us the mysterious Obama doppelganger was a friend, the rapper LA Sno.

It's like someone set the Zapruder film to a Miami bass beat: Speculation over Obama's "cameo" in the music video for Tag Team's 1993 single "Whoomp (There It Is)" has taken the Internet by storm. It's even on Wikipedia!

Finally, a Barack Obama conspiracy theory for the rest of us! Everyone from Tea Partiers to hip hop message boards thinks Obama was an extra in the music video for Tag Team's single "Whoomp (There It Is)".