The Family Research Council, which hates gay adoptions, gay marriage, and gay abortions, loves Tea Party Congressman Joe Walsh for his family values, including this one: God forgiveth those who oweth $117,000 in child support.

The aggregate minimum net worth of Congress—the tally of the low ends of the asset ranges listed on all members' disclosure forms—has jumped 25% since 2008 to more than $2 billion, according to Roll Call. Hey everybody let's occupy Congress and light some of their nice things on fire.

The New York Times analyzed the attendance records of our industrious Congressional representatives and learned that almost 20 members—including presidents of The Future Ron Paul and Michele Bachmann—missed 10 percent of the votes this year. But one Congressman outshone his peers in the art of absenteeism: time-traveling garden gnome Don Young of Alaska, who missed 16 percent of the votes.

Many years ago when you were young, back in 2006, a wizened old man named John McCain made a joke that Congress' approval rating was so low, "we're down to paid staffers and blood relatives."

The congressional supercommittee established in the debt ceiling deal has about a month left to come up with trillions in deficit reduction and then move its plan through Congress, lest the dreaded "trigger" go into effect that would viciously cut defense spending and more. So what if the supercommittee gets stuck on, say, tax increases that Republicans will never accept? Will they just give up and let the trigger go into effect? Nope! Old man John McCain let us onto the real Plan B yesterday.

Most of you know that the Chinese sure do talk funny. But just in case you don't, let's let powerful House Appropriations chair Rep. Hal Rogers explain it.

The House has rejected, on procedural grounds, a resolution calling for Rick Perry to apologize for not immediately "doing away" with that rock that bore his ranch's name, "Niggerhead," for so long. Society will never change without this resolution!

Maryland Democrats safely control both houses of the state legislature, along with the governorship. What a great opportunity to draw a bold Republican-screwing congressional map! See, they want to turn the state from a 6-2 Democrat advantage in the House of Representatives to a 7-1 advantage. How do you do that? Well, look at the funny squiggly picture up top, also known as a "Maryland redistricting draft map."

Don't you sometimes wonder about all the useful information your favorite banks, bill collectors, and mortgage lenders would be sharing with you via your cell phone, whenever they felt like it, if they only could? If our representatives in Washington pass the Mobile Informational Call Act of 2011, you won't have to wonder anymore!

What's the latest and greatest jobs proposal from the pride of the nation, your 112th Congress? This week, it's called "taking the week off." But when the House comes back for its light work schedule next week, longtime Alaska Rep. Don Young plans to introduce this... thing: A bill "to repeal every single federal regulation put in place since 1991." Lord knows how many all-nighters his staff pulled tweaking the details of this beast.

Hurrah! Thanks to a bipartisan Senate agreement over disaster funds, government will not shut down at the end of the week! Instead, it will probably shut down in November.

The congressional dispute over how to replenish FEMA's disaster relief coffers — which, if not resolved by September 30, could shut down the government — will resume on Monday. Go enjoy a national park while you still can! How about the Washington Monument? Oh, nevermind, the earthquake cracked that sucker good. In that case, do whatever the hell you want.

Remember that possibly-looming government shutdown we told you about? Well! Today the House "defeated a routine bill to finance the government through mid-November[.]" I might put that October trip to the Smithsonian down in my address book in pencil.

All that Hurricane Irene and Tropical Storm Lee wanted was to smash a few windows, flood some streets, and uproot an old tree here or there. But now they may indirectly end up shutting down the federal government, too! This really is a banner year for the forces of evil.

Rep. John Fleming, a Louisiana Republican who owns a string of Subway and UPS franchises, was on MSNBC this morning to explain how earning $6.3 million a year—which he did in 2010—isn't all it's cracked up to be and to tell Barack Obama to lay off the class warfare. For instance: $200,000 of that goes to food. Being "rich" doesn't sound so great now, does it?

The unprecedented dumb carnival stunts that were struck as part of the deal to allow the government to issue debt for spending measures it's already passed popped up again earlier this week, as the House passed a meaningless "resolution of disapproval" for the latest $500 billion in borrowing authority. But some Republican members of Congress were so used to voting "no" on anything tangentially related to the debt ceiling that they accidentally voted against the resolution of disapproval, like clowns.

In what some called a sort of a Jew d'Etat, Republican Bob Turner defeated Democrat David Weprin yesterday in a special election to fill the empty congressional seat in New York's Anthony Weiner-stained 9th district. Turner's win represented the end of an 88-year hold on the seat by Democrats in a district where they outnumber Republicans three-to-one. And while there are a few theories floating around as to what caused the tidal shift, Jon Stewart had a firm grip on one in particular on tonight's Daily Show.

Congressman Louie Gohmert of Texas, whom some might call a "character," is working hard for the American people today, by pulling a middle-school-level prank on the president! You know how Obama keeps demanding that Congress pass his American Jobs Act right now? Well, Louie Gohmert filed his own bill under that very name this afternoon. What a funnyman! This is a game-changer.

Ever wondered what the Vice President and Speaker of the House talk about while waiting for the President to address a joint session of Congress? Of course you haven't. But now you can hear it anyway!

Last week, Republicans complained about the date of President Obama's jobs speech to Congress and got the White House to move it to the next evening. The resolution of this conflict has allowed Republicans to move on — to making new excuses about why they won't show up anyway. One will be busy tweeting in his office! Another has to host a party. But really they all just hate Obama, which is fine.