Penn State is worried about the children! No, not those children. Their student-children. All this rioting and child sex abuse has the university's career services center concerned that students are going to have a tough time getting internships and job opportunities, and they have issued a letter with advice on how to address the issues in an interview.

Behold: the snobbiest Harvard University merchandise ever created. A company selling t-shirts and pinnies for Harvard-Yale football game has a special line of OCCUPY YALE shirts. Slogan: "We are the 6%."

College sorority blackface Halloween party controversy news of the day: "The [University of Southern Mississippi] Dean of Students Office said the six women, all members of Phi Mu sorority, dressed in blackface to depict themselves as the Huxtable family from 'The Cosby Show,' as part of their participation in a 1980s-themed, off-campus costume party on Wednesday."

Though the great American dream of McMansion ownership is gone forever, the scaled-down American dream of McMansion renter-ship is still within reach. In California, for example, "thousands" of sell-out college kids are occupying McMansions to cut down their housing costs and study in hot tubs.

Sacramento State psychology professor George Parrott might have an Outstanding Teacher award hanging on his wall, but such accolades don't mean jack to some of his current students, who are angry that he abandoned them for failing to bring The Snacks.

After the embarrassment of Wednesday night's riot, in which thousands of Penn State students took to the streets to protest the firing of longtime football coach Joe Paterno for helping to cover up assistant coach Jerry Sandusky's alleged rape of several young boys, you'd think Penn State fans would have learned their lesson. As it turns out, not all of them have.

Did you know that homosexuality is a gateway drug? "Gateway drug to what,?" you ask. Well, I'm not really sure, because I didn't attend Baylor University, which offers a whole course on the subject, or even major in Gateway Drug Studies.

Updated. Three hundred protesters marched through Cambridge, Massachusetts last night. Their goal: Occupying Harvard Yard. Arriving at the edge of campus, the protesters found the University's gates locked and guarded by a phalanx of campus police. Boston's CBS affiliate reports:

L'Oreal (now putting less mascara in the eyes of bunnies!) gave the University of Oxford a huge pile of money to endow the "L'Oréal Professor of Marketing" chair. Of course, being a great academic university, Oxford would never allow millions upon millions of dollars to interfere with the principle of absolute academic freedom.

It's not clear from this YouTube clip what provoked Berkeley, California cops to begin poking at these UC-Berkeley students with such force, but we wouldn't want to be the police spokesperson tasked with explaining this scene to the public.

George Washington University professor Venetia Orcutt allegedly never showed up to teach two courses yet gave all of her students A's. She sounds like the best professor ever! So why did her students write angry letters to the provost and get her into trouble?

Penn State students have taken to the streets of State College, Penn. tonight, flipping news vans and getting maced by cops. More protests against Wall Street greed and income inequality? Nope! It's because Penn State fired its longtime football coach Joe Paterno for covering up child rape allegedly perpetrated by assistant coach Jerry Sandusky!

The Talented Mr. Adam Wheeler—the "crypto-tendentious" literary beefcake convicted of larceny, identity theft, and fraud for scamming his way into Harvard—is back in jail for violating the terms of his probation. His mistake: repeating that old lie about being Harvard material. The Harvard Crimson reports:

Allow us to explain something as clearly as possible to kids these days, because we, the internet, are essentially your parents now: college isn't supposed to be "fun" for you, any more. That was the privilege of every previous generation. Not you. Considering the economy's collapse and the the truly terrifying levels of student debt assumption necessary to buying a college degree these days, you're expected to choose a major that pays. "Exploring intellectual horizons" and all that horseshit was for others. Not you. See?

John Sieglinger, age 21, streaked at University of Southern Mississippi football game last weekend, and the worst thing that can happen during a streaking event occurred: He fell down. On his penis.

Yale University quarterback Patrick Witt is "every inch the football hero," "a contender for the NFL draft," "the most accurate passer in Yale history." He is also very smart, with a 3.91 GPA and a shot at the Rhodes Scholarship.

Hip hop culture is a very deserving field of study. Rap lyrics are some of the most powerful popular poetry of the past three decades. Studying rap music in a classroom is kind of a drag compared to studying rap music, say, in a car full of weed smoke, but hey, it's not the worst thing you could do in a classroom.

College is a time for experimentation—a time to fornicate with people of other faiths, try new brands, and learn about adult-world technologies.

Earlier this year, Catholic University president John Garvey vowed to get rid of co-ed dorms, lest his school further descend into the depths of liquor-soaked "nun and priest"-themed heterosexual orgies. Is mere sexxxual segregation enough to tame the devilish sexxx hormones of sexxxy young sexxx-crazed students at the very peak of their sexxxuality?

Thank God the Senate was finally able to kill those jobs so quickly! Now the nation's top senators can return to the usual business of using their elevated positions to funnel money and prestige to institutions in their home states.