Congratulations are in order for Nick Nolte, who has successfully convinced a judge that he is completely clean and sober since being picked up in 2002 on the PCH for a DUI while high on GHB, an arrest which produced perhaps his career's most resonant image, the infamous Krusty the Clown-meets-the Crypt Keeper "mugshot" photo:
· What did Paramount get in the DreamWorks deal? Half of anything Steven Spielberg does (even if he fools around with other studios), distribution rights for DreamWorks Animation films, and in a less-reported concession, Brad Grey gets to pat Jeffrey Katzenberg on the head and call him Lil' Buddy any time he visits the lot. Get it? Because he's short and adorable! [Variety]
· Jude Law joins Cameron Diaz, Kate Winslet and Jack Black in Something's Gotta Give writer Nancy Meyers' romantic comedy Holiday, a project whose reportedly torturously prolonged casting process finally yielded exactly the right lovable, nanny-zapping rogue for the role. [THR]
· The forthcoming book Striking Back will simultaneously try to capitalize on the interest in the events depicted in Munich while disputing the version of events reported in Vengeance, the movie's source material. [Variety]
· Lake Bell is in negotiations to play Colin Farrell's wife in New Line cop drama Pride and Glory, assuming the actor doesn't chew through his restraints in rehab and escape before the conclusion of his treatment. [THR]
· Sandy Grushow, who greenlit 24 while at Fox and worked on marketing Die Hard, will produce the real-time drama pilot Crisis for Fox through his Phase Two company. We'll give you three guesses about which two highly successful projects Crisis is compared to. [Variety]
• Irish slutbunny Colin Farrell checks into rehab for "exhaustion" and an addiction to prescription painkillers. The pills were reportedly prescribed to him after he threw out his back, presumably from humping every chica in Miami. [Page Six]
• The fine fellow who claims to have Jenna Bush's ID after she left it in Chinatown inferno Happy Endings just happens to be a coke dealer. Bless this Bush twin for helping our local economy! [Radar]
• Are Brangelina shopping for a few architectual finds in Los Angeles? Reportedly they're looking at two homes for $10 million. [Lowdown (bottom of page)]
• But model Jenny Shimizu — who famously had a passionate tryst with Angelina Jolie — knows that not even Brad Pitt's architectural dilettantism can touch the depths of the ladies' sapphic love. [R&M]
• Madonna believes that if she were a man, she'd be president. She'd have to lose the faux-accent first, though. [Scoop]
• Proving their sense of humor to have no limits, Page Six refers to Star Jones's husband Al Reynolds as "manly." Manly like a big, thick beard. [Page Six]
Today the New York Daily News notes that actress Q'Orianka Kilcher (who, if this acting thing doesn't pan out, has the perfect name for a career in taxi-driving) wasn't looking forward to her love scenes with Hollywood he-whore Colin Farrell in "The New World."
Early this morning, Universal Pictures issued this press release involving an incident near the Miami Vice location shoot in the Dominican Republic:
In Los Angeles, legal action is swift when matters of videotaped images of a famous actor putting his penis into an obscure former Playmate are involved, as a judge issued a temporary restraining order yesterday in response to Colin Farrell's lawsuit against Nicole "Why Does No One Ever Mention My Role As 'Waitress' On Entourage? I'm Also An Actress" Narain. Huzzah! Justice herself has demurely cupped her hands around Farrell's genitals, temporarily shielding them from the public's greedy gaze. Now we can do nothing but wait for the mysteriously "hacked" hard drive, the viral internet dissemination of a three-minute version of Farrell's best performance since The Recruit, and the compulsive rinsing of our eyeballs with Drano after a fourth consecutive viewing of the clip. We've all been down the filthy little path through the dark heart of celebrity intercourse before.
Oooh, oooh, we know! We know! Here's the answer: "Not if they take out all the homoerotic eye-fucking between Colin Farrell and Jared Leto, which was the only part of the movie that anyone talked about. The world wants more man-on-eunuch action, not less. What's Oliver Stone going to do if no one likes his 9/11 movie, go back and take out the part where the towers fall?"
Never ones to let us down, The Smoking Gun has posted the documents from Colin Farrell's lawsuit against his sex tape co-star, Nicole "I Am Now Three Thousand Times As Famous As I Was Last Week, Regardless Of How This Turns Out" Narain. There are six pages of tortured legalese for the curious to wade through, but we know that if you had the actual tape, you'd just fast-forward to the good parts, so we've excerpted the hottest passages for you:
After lengthy deliberations with his lawyers, agents, managers, publicists, and family priests, Colin Farrell has determined that widespread public consumption of a homemade video depicting his sweaty porking of a former Playmate would not, in fact, further his career as a mainstream leading man, and the actor (must we refer to him as a "hard-drinking, rabble-rousin' Irish scamp"? Yes, we must.) has finally filed a lawsuit against his sex tape co-star, Nicole Narain, in an attempt to suppress its release. Farrell's next legal action will likely be a joint suit against a bottle of whiskey and his penis, which he will allege "willfully and maliciously colluded to impair his abilities to make rational career decisions when in the presence of video recording equipment, a figure model who may one day be desperate for fame, and a Twister board slicked with Johnson & Johnson baby oil." The defendants in the second case will be found guilty of all charges.
A mysterious man called Page Six for advice on how to sell the "authentic, 14-minute" Colin Farrell/Nicole Narain (and just like that, the former Playmate is famous—look how easy it is!) sex tape and described the hot, amateur action to the Sixies. The column then dutifully passes on the movie trailer version:
If you're lunching at your cubicle or desk, please put down the sandwich before reading on, because we don't want to be responsible for any sudden, severe indigestion. We've heard some very loud whispers that someone is not-so-quietly shopping around a video that they claim features everyone's favorite, totally-unconvincing-as-a-young-conqueror, merrily-boozing star Colin Farrell and former Playmate girlfriend Nicole Narain romping in alleged, sexual sex-tape fashion. The sellers are supposedly looking for a seven-figure upfront fee to hand over the tape for release by a distributor.
· Arianna Huffington swears up and down that the celebrities appearing on The Huffington Post are not going to use ghost writers. Come on, like Warren Beatty ever learned to read and write? Nice try, wily Arianna! Additionally, please note that "assistants" and "ghost writers" are entirely different things. [via LA Observed]
· Bob Saget is desperate for you to know that he is very, very filthy and edgy.
· Yet another reason to love the British tabloids: Colin Farrell tries to give the gift of penis to his 70-year-old co-star, but his advances are rebuffed.
· Back tits: the newest sensation sweeping the OC.
· Overpay for a "dream date" with Carmen Electra (does she magically reverse-age seven years if you win?), help cure prostate cancer.
· The Onion says it for us all.
· Everyone's naked! Come on, we've all seen Sharon Stone's breasts before. But not Sheryl Crow's. [Both links NSFW]
· Now starring: every actor in Hollywood as...Woody Allen!
· The NYT's Sharon Waxman digs through Tim Burton's Totally Unauthorized Garage Sale and finds...well, mostly the kind of crap you'd find at a garage sale. Predictably, some of the crap is starting to surface on eBay.
· Today's scary thought: Musclebound versions of Colin Farrell and Jamie Foxx will soon be unleashed on Miami's unsuspecting nightclubs. We suggest all clubbing women in the area start carrying tasers. [third item]
· Dick Clark suffers a stroke, imperiling America's ability to remain at the top of the New Years Rockin' industry. OR, Somewhere, a portrait in Dick Clark's attic suddenly got 30 years younger.
· Angelina Jolie and Colin Farrell used to play the cutest game on the set of Alexander. And by cute we mean "involving his penis nearly being yanked off by Jolie." But not a sexual kind of yanking, mind you.
· How could anyone want to sue the man who put the words "That's what I love about these high school girls, man. I get older, they stay the same age" into his mouth?
· Hollywood's cults should all chip in for a gigantic fruit basket thanking Mischa Barton for not being a joiner.
· To paraphrase a reader, "Soon to be starring Tim Allen."
· Tea Leoni beats the crap out of Adam Sandler during a sex scene in Spanglish. Just like the famous Heath and Jake lovebrawl, but without the chaps and spurs!
· The sage and magical Julia Roberts cures the bloated John Travolta of a troubling night-urination problem. [via goldenfiddle]
· Oh, those crazy Brits and their celebrity worship! [via Towleroad]
· For a company that's always laying people off, Miramax sure does a lot of hiring.
· Yesterday, we noted an amusing discussion of Colin Farrell's penis. Today, creepily knothole-obsessed sister site Fleshbot minds the stepchildren.
· Bad news for fanboys: Justin Timblerlake may play Iron Man. Your rage is understandable; after all, he's too young to have had Iron Man Underoos. Also, he's Justin Timberlake.
· If a nipple slips and there are no cameras around to capture it, did it ever make a sound? No, it most certainly did not. [fourth item]
· A supposed screen-capture of Colin Farrell's penis in Tigerland elicits the following reactions from LiveJournal users: "Ewwwwww," "::vomits::," and our personal favorite, "I think I just died a little inside."
· Depending on how close you're willing to put your face to your computer monitor, this picture of Paris Hilton may or may not be safe for work. [via cityrag]
—Oliver Stone was wary about casting Colin Farrell in Alexander, but then Farrell put on a cheap wig and got drunk and handsy with the director. The rest, as they say, is cinematic history.
—Lindsay Lohan loses her black AmEx card, but realizes she left it in a club's bathroom. We wonder how a credit card gets into a bathroom. Those NYC pay toilets must be really expensive!
—If you missed it last night, you have a second chance to watch Jeopardy know-it-all Ken Jennings prove he ain't so fuckin' smart after all. Anyone else still want to beat him up?
—Separated at birth: Paris Hilton and Shannen Doherty.
—TVGasm outs Alias' Victor Garber, if he wasn't already outed before. Who can follow anything on that show?
