A Defamer operative sends us a party report from the Miami Vice premiere, where Brett Ratner held court in the men's room as a hammered Michelle Rodriguez unsuccessfully tried to talk her way inside, and the secret language of Shaq's handshake rituals was finally revealed.
The canned, corny tedium of The Tonight Show was interrupted last night when a female audience member walked on stage and approached Colin Farrell, who was there to promote Miami Vice. While the confrontation never made it to air, a witness recalled, "She said something to Colin Farrell that no one heard, then he took her by the elbow, led her off stage, asked the cameramen to turn off their cameras and asked for security." Access Hollywood.com is now reporting that the woman in question is Dessarae Bradford, author of the classic of the celebrity-stalking-fruitcake canon, My S/M Romp With Alec Baldwin, and singer of "Colin Farrell is My Bitch (I Fucked Alec Baldwin in His Ass)," streaming as we speak on her MySpace page.
This Memorial Day, take a moment to pay respects to Hollywood's assistants and crew members, whose toil and babble is the stuff celebrity weeklies are made of. Case in point: a reliable source in South Williamsburg happens to live right where Colin Farrell and company are currently filming Pride and Glory; last night, knowing she'd never actually get near Farrell himself, she made a move for the union workers:
The Colin Farrell sex tape has long faded into a tangle of unpleasant memories of shaky, handheld camerawork, crapulent leprechauns slurring out dirty talk, and repeatedly penetrated, desperate former Playmates, but today's Rush & Molloy column brings the welcome news that on Easter, Farrell, co-star Nicole Narain, and their respective legal teams sat down together and celebrated the holy day by spending five hours hashing out an "amicable settlement" for the tape and "completely resolve[d]" the situation. Farrell, however, will soldier on in his suit against the company that planned to distribute the video, selflessly championing the interests of all of us who were permanently scarred by our inability to resist watching the footage leaked to the internet early this year; perhaps he'll even share some of his eventual settlement money to help defray the cost of our therapy bills.
• Colin Farrell and former Playmate Nicole Narain reach an "amicable settlement" regarding their sex tape, which Narain had been trying to sell. We kind of hate him for locking away the footage after we'd already seen the heat he was packing. Cocktease. [R&M]
• Stephen Baldwin is selling his Rockland County manse reportedly because he owes "a crapload" to the IRS. Stars — they really are just like us! [Page Six]
• How DARE the American Figure Skating Association sideline our beloved Johnny Weir simply because he's a flaming little bonfire of fun. [Gatecrasher (2nd item)]
• Looks like Tom Cruise has taken to rigging public opinion polls, which would be more effective if said polls weren't on Parade.com. [Page Six]
• Meanwhile, Cruise won't be tolerating any dyslexia talk from Swedish journalists. [Scoop]
• Jamie Foxx would like to think he's R&B's "savior." Please keep your snickering to a dull roar. [Guardian UK]
While we all might have liked to think that Nicole Narain's enthusiasm for the eventual, official release of her videotaped sexploits with Colin Farrell was rooted in nothing but an altruistic desire to share Farrell's camcorder-enabled expression of their physical relationship with the public, The Smoking Gun has uncovered a document that attaches a more crass motivation for her consent: a shitload of money. Narain stands to reap a $3 million advance (she's apparently been guaranteed $100K no matter the outcome) from distributor ICG should Farrell's lawsuit to keep the video from being released fail. ICG must be expecting an absolute avalanche of demand, given that the amount of Narain's generous advance could easily be eclipsed by a class-action penalty awarded to curious fans whose every subsequent sexual encounter is ruined by the tumescence-melting auditory memory of a filthy leprechaun narrating each thrust with disturbing enthusiasm.
The family of a Bronx police officer mistakenly shot by another cop were somewhat stunned to find some of the cast members of drama Pride and Glory, including star Colin Farrell, standing outside the funeral with a camera crew, for what appeared to be a research field trip (see tiny photo evidence). The NY Daily News reports:
Attention recent Paramount casualties: We understand you are probably still in shock at your untimely displacement, perhaps making dazed circles in the middle of Melrose, cardboard boxes of personal items clutched in your hands, as whizzing cars narrowly avoid curing your woes forever. Fret not we here at Defamer are often the first to hear about Hollywood job opportunities, and we never hesitate to pass them on to you. Here's a plum, sent into to us just moments ago:
• Jesus, whether you believe in him or not, loves you, and that's why he's given you the documents from Paris Hilton's deposition. You knew the bitch was dumb, but you never could have predicted this level of retardation. It's medical, really.
• The transcript for Colin Farrell's sex tape makes our hearts surge with hope. Just like we felt the first time we saw Bridget Jones' Diary.
• We expect NYC restaurants to be filthy, but Soho House? Oh, the $1300/year horror of it all!
• We've seen promo posters for The Heart is Deceitful Above All Things, based on the book by Fake Writer JT Leroy — and the marketing department behind them clearly has no clue what the fuck is going on.
• Opinionistas writer Melissa Lafsky is revealed. Now that you know her name, you can also know she's the estranged step-sister of Jordan Catalano!
• William Shatner returns to his true calling as an awards show host, which naturally ups the worth of his kidney stone to $25K.
• Packs of cigarettes seem to be falling from the sky, for reasons we can't quite figure out. Either some sneaky guerrilla marketing is afoot, or God has taken pity on your habit.
• Your job sucks. Get a new one with Gawker Jobs.
• Stop reading James Frey, and defintely stop reading him in public.
• Tina Brown takes a "break" from the Washington Post. Will we ever see her again? Or has she lost her will to buzz?!
We've been doing our best to ignore sex tapes (unless there's one that features Adam Moss and Ariel Foxman tearing at each other like wild, lonely dogs); masturbation is a private, beautiful thing, and who are we to interfere with your diddling time? As such, our eyes just kind of glazed over with the news of Colin Farrell's homegrown porno, especially when it became quickly unavailable. But now the damn thing is back and all over the interwebs, and there's even transcripts. Considering Valentine's Day is just around the corner, we found the following snippet of dialogue rather sweet:
Scary celebrity lawyer Martin Singer continues to churn out the cease and desist letters, yet they seem to be doing little to impede the electronic dissemination of Colin Farrell's Pandora's Box of digitally captured pleasures. Stills, g-rated edits, parodies, not to mention the actual, untouched video, abound. But it was only when we read Shrimpjaw's transcript, free from the tyrannical image of Colin's curved croquet mallet, that we could fully appreciate just how special this coming together of our two hero-lovers actually was. An excerpt:
· The incredibly inspired idea of the day: The WOW Report edits together a safe-for-work (well, if you have a pretty liberal workplace) version of the Colin Farrell sex video.
· "Life is a massive fuckin' mystery... and the best way to crack it is megadoses of psychedelics. (...) We are bacteria. That's what it's all about." So sayeth Joe Rogan, Fear Factor host and amateur neurochemist.
· This might be a first in Hollywood: being waited on by an actor before his career is over.
· Humpy E! gossip Ted Casablanca, unquestioned master of the linguistically adventurous blind item, owns up to asking Clooney if he'd be Heath Ledger's next cowboy bottom.
· The Cos's lady problems might be explained by the fact that he's a vampire.
· Fametracker fame-audits Brad and Angelina's fetus.
· Lindsay Lohan's mom seems far more concerned about dogs and cats activating her daughter's asthma than her "less than a pack a day" smoking habit. Or, you know, the other stuff.
· Old Defamer pal and scary Hollywood lawyer Marty Singer is cross with Jossip, but still can't stop the internets from looking at Colin Farrell's tallywacker.
· If you thought Zathura was a nightmare of pronunciation problems, wait for Tristan and Isolde.
· Somewhere in this story about Axl Rose suing a Beverly Hills car dealer over its failure to deliver him some exotic sports cars is an easy joke about the irony of his failure to deliver Chinese Democracy. But we're too tired to find it.
· Page Six is thisclose to crowning Maroon 5's Adam Levine Hollywood's favorite manwhore.
· And since it's been way too long: Hey, unicorns!
• Colin Farrell's lawyer's beat up on poor little Jossip, but Jossip lives to tale the tale. [Jossip]
• Which is not to say Farrell's lawyers have caught up with all the cock pix quite yet. [Totally Joshness]
• Freygate forces Oprah to make a drastic move with her Book Club. [Storms Illustration via Emdashes]
• Naturally, the one time the English and the Germans successfully cooperate on something, it's a hideous line-dancing song you haven't been able to forget nearly a decade later. [Silver Jacket]
• Just in: Scientists have identified the four ur-Jewish mothers, from whom 40 percent of all Ashkenazim are descended. Reply the mothers, "What, so now you finally decide to write?" [Reuters via Yahoo!]
• We can't relieve believe we're mentioning this, but, as what's apparently Diabetes Appreciation Week continues, you can finally get away from the pictures of unfortunate, obese, poor people the Times has been foisting on us all and instead tune into CNBC Sunday night as — we kid you not — Poison's Bret Michaels "talks candidly about partying with diabetes." [dLife]
· Jossip interviews the guy who set up DirtyColin.com for the people who are trying to sell the Colin Farrell sex tape on the internet, who reveals that he expects the site to be back online in the next day or two, despite rumored legal threats and court injunctions.
· This is not the most flattering comparison we've ever seen. We'll just leave it at that.
· Thank you, Ari Emanuel, HuffPo blogger and official Agent Dance mascot, for giving us the pleasant image of the president suckling a teat. If he had a little more blogging experience, he would've Photoshopped up something nasty to go with it.
· Pierce Brosnan is relieved to be free from the typecasting, the arched-eyebrow dialogue, and the $20 million paychecks that come with being James Bond.
Rush & Molloy do some explaining about the rapid coming-and-going of DirtyColin.com, the shady website that popped its head out of its unauthorized celebuporn hole to offer the Colin Farrell-Nicole Narain sex tape, and which may have been quickly hammered down by the Wack-a-Mole mallet of the onscreen couple's lawyers. According to the report, Farrell's camp seems suspicious of Narain, who wants to release the tape, while Narain's people are pissed mostly that they're not getting a cut of the site's sales:
• Colin Farrell and Playmate Nicole Narain have successfully shut down dirtycolin.com, the site that was offering the duo's sex tape for $14.95. Obviously, if Narain is to get her well-deserved cut of the profits, we should be paying no less than $24.99 for a look. [R&M]
• We're not upset that Vanity Fair editor Graydon Carter has an SUV. We are, however, positively dismayed to learn that it bears a bumper sticker. What is this, fucking Great Neck? [Page Six]
• Howard Stern's offspring, Emily, is now suing the Jewish Theater of New York regarding their use of her photos to promote Kabbalah — the play which she dropped out of after her father expressed concerns about her appearing naked. Really, her hissy fit is the best promotion any theater could by. [Lowdown]
• At the funeral for her adopted mother, Naomi Campbell was so dismayed by the mortician's makeup job that she wiped it all off and redid the woman's makeup herself. Interesting way to show your softer side. [Page Six]
• Magalogue Shop Etc. brings REAL LIVE BOOBIES to the Today show. [MSNBC]
Sadly, it's not at all what you hope it is. Sigh.
• Only because we have to: Colin Farrell's sex tape. Enjoy, if that's your thing. And it probably is, considering it's someone worth seeing naked. The site has only been working intermittently, so you can use your imagination with this artfully cropped screen shot. [DirtyColin]
• While New York begs us all to remember that they were on the scent of JT Leroy's scam long before Warren St. John and the Times, let's all remember that the Village Voice was on this one, oh, four years ago. [VV]
• Let the mockery begin: "What I Plan to Embellish for Obvious Dramatic Reasons in My Own Forthcoming Memoir." [Minor Tweaks]
• You never forget your first Goatse. [Flickr via EdRants]
• Anderson Cooper undergoes an emotional investigation into the emotional work of Anderson Cooper. [Slate]
• Thanks to the expanding laws of the universe, mass quantities of douchenuggets are now able to enjoy simultaneously looking like a Gotti. [Sherdog]
• Breaking: Avril Lavigne is a LADY! [PITNB]
Put down that bagel and coffee. You're going to want to read this on any empty stomach:
