Here in America, the home of taste and sophistication, we drink "tea," to demonstrate that we are not crude savages. In Japan, however, no "thousands of years of cultural legacy" can hide the fact that they drink garbage coffee.

Rolling coffee up into "caffeine sticks" and smoking it is a hot new trend, and it's turning America's teens into "bean-heads," according to one specious local news report.

"Service isn't considered lesser than other professions because it's less honorable, or even requires fewer skills... These jobs are seen as lesser because we made them this way." Former barista Molly Osberg on the unstated Brooklyn class war.

McDonald's was once known as a "restaurant" where Americans could purchase, at reasonable prices, hamburgers the size and flavor of air hockey discs. Those days are gone. Fast food is a loser's game. McDonald's now aims to be the new Starbucks.

Coffee, "The Bean of Kings," has a worth that might be considered infinite. But right this moment, it's worth is more accurately described as "Cheap as hell."

Taking a firm stand against discourteous customers, one coffeehouse has decided to charge its patrons based on how polite they are to employees.

"Your [morning] coffee will probably be the most effective if you enjoy it between 9:30 AM and 11:30 AM, when your cortisol levels are dropping before the next spike."

What's that? You detected a sweeter, gentler, more luxurious flavor in your Folgers this morning? Why yes, its quality has improved. You liar.

China is afflicted with slowing economic growth, widespread poverty, and toxic air. And high prices at Starbucks. The Chinese government is definitely ready to address at least one of these issues.

To promote itself as the number one coffee brand of sleepyheads, Dutch roaster Douwe Egberts installed a very special vending machine in South Africa's O. R. Tambo International Airport that dispenses coffee in exchange for yawns.

That headline could signal only one thing: the return of Toddlers & Tiaras. Well, it could signal the apocalypse too, I suppose. Really, the clip reel above from last night's season premiere is all about the first 9 seconds, which made me laugh harder than anything I can remember. Alexa says, "Wheeee!" and I feel her.

You like coffee? Yeah, I used to like coffee. I'm kind of over that now. I've evolved past that. I've advanced into tea. Tea is kind of the new "thing," for me and my 300 million closest friends, the citizens of the United States of America.

It must be said right up front: coffee is a utilitarian beverage that exists mainly to wake you up. Therefore, treating coffee as some delicate wine-like treat that can only be appreciated by a select group of gourmands is absurd. Or is it?

Welcome to Thatz Not Okay, a regular column in which I school inquiring readers on what is and is not okay. Please send your questions (max: 200 words) to caity@gawker.com with the subject "Thatz Not Okay."

New York City's ban on the sale of sugary drinks goes into effect on Tuesday, and The New York Times would have you believe "coffee drinkers... are likely to face a thicket of complications." This is wrong. Coffee drinkers—people who drink actual coffee in appropriate amounts—will be fine. Others—people who drink enormous buckets of caffeinated syrup—are likely to be inconvenienced.

Starbucks has a UK tax scandal. "It just smells and it doesn't smell of coffee. It smells bad." Like Starbucks coffee.

In a plotline so dark not even Scrubs would touch it—and Scrubs was not afraid to go dark; it had comedy and heart—a student nurse has been indicted for involuntary manslaughter for killing a patient by accidentally injecting her with coffee instead of IV fluid.

Today is National Coffee Day, one of countless non-holidays that would go unnoticed if not for the internet.

America's premiere coffee shop, McDonald's, is offering a free small premium roast today at New York-area locations.

How often have you been on a long drive and wished that you had a hot shot of espresso to wake you up? Aside from the fact that spilling scalding coffee is a safety hazard, an extra appliance is a distraction, and drinking espresso will make you have to pee way more frequently, the concept of an in-car espresso maker sounds pretty good.