Smooth move by thinspirational pro-ana billionaire Mike Bloomberg: he'll ban big huge sodas that poor people drink, sure, but don't worry, people who actually vote and/ or donate money to political campaigns—your precious huge syrupy Starbucks quote sweetened coffee beverages unquote will be safe, because they contain milk.

A new study in the New England Journal of Medicine found that over a 13-year period studied, there "was a significant inverse association between coffee consumption and mortality," meaning that people who drank coffee had a lower risk of death, particularly from "heart disease, respiratory problems, strokes, injuries and accidents, diabetes and infections."

Starbucks is raising the white flag of surrender on the bug juice front. After getting flack from riled up vegan patrons and members of PETA for using Cochineal extract—aka beetles— to dye their Frappuccinos pink, they were quick to respond.

Soy Strawberry Frappuccinos, already one of the most unpleasant Starbucks drinks I could think to order, have been using something called cochineal extract to dye the drinks that murky Pepto Bismol Pink. Cochineal extract, it turns out, is made from South American beetles and was adopted in an effort to stop using artificial ingredients. But the vegan community will not have it; they have, of course, started an insufferable petition demanding that Starbucks stop using the dye.

The New York City Health Department recently inspected 30 Rock's Starbucks and discovered it to be teeming with "live mice." Consequently, the Starbucks serving the stars of NBC received a 'C.' Which other Manhattan Starbucks stores are among the impressively filthy elite?

"Fuck you, Starbucks, you American pussies." That is what we imagine Canadian coffee and donut chain Tim Hortons to be anthropomorphically saying today, adding in an "Eh?" at the end in stereotypical sneering Canadian style. Are we going to sit around as some Canadian fucks have cups that hold a larger amount of coffee than ours do? Eh?

How excited are we all about Starbucks™' new Blonde Roast™? Right? We don't even need to explicate that one. The real question is, how excited are the Starbucks™ team member associate partner barista family members, who have the privilege of handing over the bags of the new Blonde Roast™ to enthusiastic customers like us?

"How much coffee is safe?" the BBC wonders, before letting us know that "the advice is much less clear-cut." Psh! We can tell you how much coffee is safe.

For at least several months now, convenient caffeinated masturbatorium Starbucks has been quietly waging war against the laptop hobos who fill its seats all day to "work on that screenplay" (browse Craigslist sex ads) while nursing a single drink. Now, the evidence is in: busting laptop hobo riff-raff= big buck$$$!

Mister PeePee is a... citizen journalist with a hobby. Tell us what Mister PeePee's hobby is, Jim Romenesko:

HPV boys! Chest X-rays! Aging secrets! Bat disease! Old pacemakers! Filthy surface! Coffee protection! Super broccoli! And gurl U no U better keep taking that birth control! It's your Wednesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—in technicolor!

There are more Starbucks coffee shops in America than there were voters in the last presidential election (probably). Starbucks is America. Or, more accurately, Starbucks shapes America into its own image: a nation of the types of people who love Starbucks.

Oh, maybe: "What we are really seeing as a company as we look 10, 20, 30 years down the road—if conditions continue as they are—is a potentially significant risk to our supply chain, which is the Arabica coffee bean," says Jim Hanna, the sustainability director at Starbucks (a bottom line-focused coffee chain whose name you might recognize).

Starbucks' war against loitering laptop hobos has taken a stark new turn, according to anecdotal evidence! We knew that roving Starbucks employees were politely—but firmly!—ordering long-sitters to buy something or get out. But now the pigs are involved.

Cancer sex! Coffee women! Insurance cost! Doctor complaints! Fatherhood hearts! Diarrhea pools! Killer cantaloupes! Sleepy teens! And cheese is coming to take your soul to hell! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—inappropriately!

Last week, we brought you the disquieting news that Starbucks had begun its plan to methodically rid its stores of freeloading laptop hobos. Isolated incident of a single laptopian overstaying his welcome, or foreboding foreshadowing of a new corporate policy?

Last month, word began circulating that laptop hobo headquarters Starbucks had a plan to force laptop hobos out of its precious coffee dispensaries. And now—judging by this lengthy blog post by a remarkably outraged man—the crackdown has begun.

Jim Romenesko is retiring from his gig as America's most influential media blogger, but have no fear: he's still running Starbucks Gossip, the obsessive Starbucks-covering site which he also inexplicably runs! And he's taking on the question foremost in the mind of every normal, masculine, red-blooded, suburban, flavor-loving American man this Halloween season: does this Pumpkin Spice Latte make me a bitch?

The problem with kids these days is they don't know history. That, and the fact that they're narcissistic monsters. But let's focus on the history point: did you kids know that once, long ago, Starbucks was considered "fancy" coffee?

Coffee mystery! Asteroid deflection! Earth expansion! Fly paranoia! Acoustic cloaking! Bear strings! Homo sapienism! Smartest insect! And stupid fish are all like, "Which hand makes the 'L?'" It's your Wednesday Science Watch, where we watch science—as best we can!