Tatum O'Neal, the child actress who won an Oscar at age 10 and then got heavily into drugs, booze, and self-destruction, was arrested last night for trying to buy coke not far from her Lower East Side apartment. Her situation is sad—she's struggled with serious addiction for a long time, but has reportedly been clean for two years. The second thing to be said, though, is: A veteran wealthy druggie was "spotted handing money to a street dealer," seriously? That method is far too gauche for the sophisticated cokehead.

How much did President Bush drink? When did he quit? Did he quit? And what else did he do? There are absolutely no definitive answers to any of those questions, and most of the witnesses and parties involved are suspect or worse. Still, with the publication of former press secretary Scott McClellan's book, complete with re-airing of those old cocaine rumors, it might be fun to investigate the out-going president's drug history, as found both in the public record and the fever dreams of conspiracy artists.

Former White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan was the doughy, ill-informed punching bag the press needed after a couple years of smarmy wise-ass Ari Fleisher. But now he's getting his revenge, as all big dumb doughy dudes must after they realize their "friends" just pretended to like them. He wrote a book. It's called What Happened, and it's about how everyone in the White House was a stupid idiot, especially President Bush, who is so stupid that he just convinces himself of bullshit so he doesn't technically have to lie. "The media won't let go of these ridiculous cocaine rumors," McClellan heard Bush say in 1999. "You know, the truth is I honestly don't remember whether I tried it or not. We had some pretty wild parties back in the day, and I just don't remember." Ha! So maybe he tried cocaine, but if so he was already mid-blackout and who can recall between all the homosexual encounters, animal sacrifices to pagan gods, and stripper-raping that they were doing! After the jump, Karl Rove complaining about how Scott McCellan sounds like a raving DailyKos liberal. Just because Karl Rove misled him regarding the Plame affair, leading McClellan to blatantly lie to the press, destroying his credibility and career!

• Things You Can't Do Coked Up—Guessing there's no book deal forthcoming. Prove me wrong, publishers!
  

Natasha Collins-the British former model who starred in the TV show See It, Saw It, and who a coroner's report revealed was scalded to death in her bathtub in January while she had more than five times the lethal dose of cocaine in her system-left behind a fiance who went missing in London six days ago. His body was found today "in a remote spot at Paddington railway station. Officers said he was not struck by a train." The boyfriend, children's TV presenter Mark Speight, disappeared days after appearing at Collins' inquest looking "drawn and gaunt."

Every time I find myself in a really divey bathroom, I wanna do blow. Coincidence? Yeah right, according to a new study involving macaques (that means monkeys) and intravenously injected cocaine...

Natasha Collins, a former model who starred in a British children's TV show called "See It, Saw It," was found dead in a bathtub in January. Today, a coroner's report said that she died by being scalded to death in the hot bathwater, and that she had "Five times the potentially fatal amount of cocaine" in her system at the time. She and her fiancee—whom she met while he was working on another kids show—had been partying at home alone when she died. Collins wasn't always in costume; after the jump, a few of her normal modeling shots.

It's not entirely clear who the audience is for fair-trade organic cocaine advertising, other than perhaps Lindsay Lohan, Redmond O'Neal, Lil' Wayne, Amy Winehouse, the Olsen Twins, Robert Chambers, Owen Wilson, Richard Branson, ballet dancers, Kate Moss, Boy George, the President of the United States, and pretty much anyone who would like to have blow delivered to their apartment via donkey at least once, so yes OK everyone. Silly video ad that will be more or less funny depending on your, sniffle, state of mind:

They're going to tax your cocaine! At $200/gram! Who the hell is Spitzer buying from?? [NYT]

OK, so you live in Brooklyn now, and everybody's always going on about the way things "used to be," way back in the 1990s. Oh my God, it was so bad, so desolate, yet so… raw and cool. OK, we get it! It was way better back then because you had a higher chance of being jumped on your way home from the local Puerto Rican coke bar, Kokie's. According to Vice, Kokie's was the epicenter of pre-gentrification Williamsburg, right on that precious cusp: after the first white settlers began to move in, but before the first boutique. Word. Just how crazy was it?

Scientists are hard at work on a "vaccine" that will prevent you from enjoying cocaine. That vaccine is called "New York." Psych! It's actually a drug that "stimulates the immune system to attack" cocaine molecules and prevent them from reaching your brain. The Baylor College researchers responsible for the Vaccine Against Fun are awaiting approval from the FDA for trials before the drug will finally be available to treat an addiction that, in our experience, is best cured by running out of money. [MSNBC]

The last week or so has seen New York Senator Hillary Clinton slip from "inevitable" to "favored" in her race for the Democratic presidential nomination. So, naturally, her terrifying campaign staff is becoming even more vicious and entertaining. Expect the Drudge-baiting trash talk by subordinates to increase at a rate more or less proportionate with the happy talk Iowa appearances and media availabilities from her husband, "Slick Willie." On Monday, Bill reminded everyone of how awesome the '90s were, and promised that a second Clinton presidency would mean the return of prosperity and Sugar Ray. Meanwhile, New Hampshire Clinton campaign co-chair Billy Shaheen called Obama a coke-head. But in a "I didn't actually call him a coke-head" way!

Regret The Error has posted its annual year-end best media errors and corrections list, and our favorite is this one, from Slate: "In the May 25 'Explainer,' Michelle Tsai asserted that an eight ball is about 10 lines of cocaine. While the size of a line depends on personal preference, most users would divide an eight ball into more than 25 lines."

"The Coast Guard has reeled in a record 355,000 pounds of cocaine over the past year... the street value of the drugs seized or removed last year by the Coast Guard equals roughly half the agency's total annual budget, said Commandant Adm. Thad Allen." Which explains why the fine commandant will be selling back the 50 kilos hidden on various parts of his person to some Columbian friends of his later today. Still, it's pretty impressive, given that the Coast Guard basically has no working boats and an inability to purchase working communications systems. [CNN]

Radar has named David Armstrong Jones, Viscount Linley (12th in line to the throne!), as the victim of England's new tabloid blackmail obsession. Apparently, two dudes wanted £50,000 (that is three million U.S. dollars, give or take) for a videotape in which Linley's assistant talks about having sex with him and does coke from an envelope with Linley's name on it. (Um, weak!) The most hilarious part of the whole thing is how the Daily Mail can't name Linley, due to a judge's order, but basically finds 200 ways to say "JUST GOOGLE IT ALREADY." Bonus Wikipedia-provided fun fact: "At the age of three, his prominent ears were pinned back surgically."

Say a final farewell to Robert Chambers, the man who ensured E! Channel-level publicity in perpetuity for Upper East Side Irish pub Dorrian's Red Hand, which is the last place his former ladyfriend was seen alive in 1986. Like so many preppy misfits and high-profile morons before him, dude just couldn't stick to his first two crimes (that would be murder and, in 2004, just after he was released from prison, possession and driving on a suspended license). Chambers and his girlfriend (this one was still alive!) sold more than a half-pound of cocaine out of their E. 57th Street apartment to undercover agents in recent months, who popped the two of them yesterday.

Back in July, DJ Samantha Ronson filed a defamation suit against folks who said she'd placed coke in Lindsay Lohan's car. (For those just tuning in, Lindsay Lohan is a rising young starlet and a staple of wholesome Disney films.) Blogger Perez ("Mario Lavandeira") Hilton's posting said that Ronson "planted drugs that were found in Lohan's car after it crashed into a tree in Beverly Hills on May 26, and that she set up her friend to be photographed while under the influence of alcohol," according to AP. For a defamation claim, she must prove somehow that he acted with malice. Says Perez's attorney: "If Ms. Ronson is attempting to get some sort of relief in court and to show that Mario Lavandeira had any malice, I think she's going to a hardware store for milk. It's just not going to happen." Where did they find this guy? Ms. Ronson also stated that she has never "handled" cocaine.

Remember how crushed we were when our hero Gottfried Alexander Leopold Graf von Bismarck-Schönhausen, the "reckless and extravagant host of homosexual orgies," died in July? Well, the inquest into his death is at last over! Count von Party Time died the way he lived—absolutely full of cocaine. In fact, the medical examiner said that Count Gottfried von Bismarck's body "had the highest level of cocaine he had ever seen." Well played, sir! You will always live on in our hearts and veins.

We may be in the midst of a cocaine shortage here in town, but things aren't as dire upstate:

Bad news for noses: Efforts by the Mexican government to curtail the flow of cocaine to this country have resulted in higher prices and lower availability of the drug in 37 U.S. cities, including New York. Drug Enforcement Agency figures show that the price of a gram of powder jumped 24% to about $120 from April to June. Possible saving grace: The feds are usually full of shit.