Even when I was a believer, God had virtually no place in my Christmas. Each December 25, I suffered through Catholic mass, feeling each second crawl by. I had things to do, presents to open, Christmas movies to rewatch, sisters to fight with, extended family to see, food to eat and eat and eat. I might have considered the Catholic implications of the holiday while in church, but only in the way that you consider the car in front of you that's moving too slowly.

What's that you say? Half of all marriages don't end in divorce, as has long been asserted? Divorces are, in fact, declining? No, I really did not need you to tell me that. What I could use, aside from some sympathy and a decoder ring for this parenting plan, are a few new things.

No Christmas presents for grown ups.

On January 5, 2015, Teresa Giudice will go to jail for bankruptcy, mail, and wire fraud. But before she suits up, she's making the saddest imaginable Christmas treat for her fambly—and you can, too! Teresa reveals her "Pretty Pizzelle Snacks" recipe in the currently private, link-only video above, which was sent to us by a tipster.

The Sony hackers—possibly known as Guardians of Peace and probably not working for North Korea—have escalated from threatening to release the company's sensitive information to threatening real-life violence against theaters showing the disastrous Rogen/Franco comedy The Interview.

Rumors of Mariah Carey's demise have been greatly exaggerated, she proved last night during the first of six sold-out, Christmas-themed concerts at New York's Beacon Theater. For much of the show, she was in as good of a voice as you could expect from a diva who's in her 25th year of wailing for the public's consumption.

Jimmy Kimmel happens to be neighbors with Emily Blunt and John Krasinski, and he's been in an ongoing Christmas prank war with the couple since they got married a few years back. Last year, Kimmel covered their entire house in wrapping paper and littered their walk with reindeer shit, so it was incumbent upon them, according to the doctrine of mutually assured holiday destruction, to hit back even harder.

Fuck. You forgot to buy your Asian Friend a Christmas present. You didn't realize until recently that your Asian Friend even celebrated Christmas. You're really learning a lot about your friend...and yourself.

Hey, drunk people: Did you decorate a sheep for Christmas this weekend? Did you then lose that sheep? If so, please report your drunken self to the Nebraska Humane Society and pick up your Christmas sheep.

A new survey shows that Americans, on average, think that Santa Claus should make $140,000 year. "Perhaps more interesting is that 29% think Santa should make nothing at all whereas 29% think he should make $1.8 billion." A nation of morons speaks.

Is this screaming giraffe—found at "a knockoff toy store" for just $10—possessed by the Devil as the original uploader suggests? Or is it just so full of holiday cheer it can't help shrieking like a thousand dying banshees?

An unfortunate reality of the holiday season is that one must obtain gifts for those they don't necessarily like. One might even hate these people. For example, Uncle Tim's new wife Shea's daughter Melody, who once said you would be pretty if you had bangs. Or your boss, Mr. Man, who has never paid you back for the all lattes you have purchased for him. Or your ex-boyfriend, Carl, whose stunted progress on his novel—about you!—ended your relationship.

We all know someone who needs to relax. Whether they need to "relax" in the sense that they just need to chill out already, damn, or they need to "relax" in the sense that they truly deserve a break; be they a blogger who feels a base level of purposeless anxiety pretty much nonstop, or someone who has an actual reason to feel stressed. They are in our lives, my friends, and they need gifts.

The holiday season is here, and for America's teens that means one thing: preseeennnttsss!!

Taylor Swift, the alien sociologist best known for her groundbreaking study into the group behavior of young human beings, continued her embedded research this month by participating in the ritual exchange of Christmas gifts with her subjects.

Two things you remember from the '80s that now look completely different, "Weird Al" Yankovic and Radio Shack, have joined forces to sell you batteries. The only way you can tell we haven't stumbled through a wormhole to 25 years ago is that they're also trying to sell you flying drones.

Rich: Hola, Caity! Como estas?

Who's ready for Christmas???

Trying to top his 2012 Christmas gift (an engagement ring), Vas Alli decided to replace his fiancée's childhood bear, "Whitey," which had long ago lost his stuffing and been packed away. But that turned out to be more of a challenge than he expected.

"My Uncle Henry is hearing & speech impaired," writes YouTuber MiamiRedSkin. "He has a heart of gold and everyone who meets Henry absolutely loves him."