Kevin Spacey can't go shoe shopping without hanging out in secret back rooms; Madonna can't get rid of her boy toy and Gwyneth Paltrow can't keep secrets.

• You didn't think Eliot Spitzer was planning to stay out of the spotlight forever, did you? Rumor has it the disgraced ex-governor is hoping to get his old job back as attorney general once Andrew Cuomo runs for governor in 2010. [P6]
• Mel Gibson and his wife Robyn have filed for divorce after 28 years of marriage, reportedly because Mel has been involved with a Russian singer named Oksana Kolesnikova. [NYP, OK!]
• Madonna's PR offensive continues: Not only is she hoping to win hearts and minds in Malawi by releasing pics of herself holding baby Mercy in her arms, she also has had her former nanny talking up her parenting skills to any reporter willing to listen. [DM, MSNBC]
• Uh oh! Rumor has it Gwyneth Paltrow is planning to spawn again. [Sun]

Rihanna and Chris Brown are each swearing off tattoo parlors; Neal Boulton is swearing off booze and Jessica Simpson is swearing off everything John Mayer ever told her.

• Madonna's most recent effort to change hearts and minds in Malawi: She pleaded her case in a letter to the country's Nation newspaper, writing that she wants to provide Mercy "with a home, a loving family environment and the best education and health care possible." [Us, NYP]
• Madonna may want to take a cue from Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt: The couple had their adoption request turned down by Bhutan recently, but they're now moving on to the Philippines, according to Britain's Daily Mail. [NYDN]
• Kipton Cronkite's life appears to be headed downhill: The art world scenester has lost his job and apartment, and he's living rent-free with a rich teenager on the Lower East Side. [P6]
• Ruth Madoff will have to find a new stylist: She's been banned from the Pierre Michel Salon "out of respect for the salon's other customers." [P6]
• Lindsay Lohan's mental condition isn't improving: Friends now say she "barely sleeps" anymore, and she "can't even sit down for a minute without pacing around the room." [People]

Being half of a celebrity twosome has its perks, not least of which is starpower greater than the sum of its parts. But there are certain rules that should be observed. Do not, under any circumstances, appear in a treacly magazine spread rhapsodizing about your love, or you will be broken up within a month. And please, resist the temptation to get matching tattoos, especially each other's names, as history has taught us that even the most inspiring and rock-solid romantic unions—Lindsay & Sam! Chris and Rihanna! Britney & K-Fed!—cannot survive the curse of the matching ink.

• Is it finally over between Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson? Her mom and sister certainly hope so: The two were spotted with Sam at a police station yesterday to "look into filing a restraining order" against Lindsay, although LiLo appears to still be in denial, telling E! that they're just taking a "brief break." [Us, E!]
• Madonna was crushed to learn her adoption petition had been rejected by a judge in Malawi—"I can't believe I'm leaving my beautiful baby behind"—but baby Mercy's uncle is now supporting her appeal, for whatever that's worth. [MSNBC, Sun]
• CNN's Campbell Brown had a baby boy yesterday. [HuffPo]
• Who does Scarlett Johansson have to thank for her new bod? Gwyneth Paltrow, apparently, since she reportedly introduced Scarlett to her trainer Tracy Anderson who put her on a "rigid diet." [Sun]

After Chis Brown pled not guilty to assaulting Rihanna in a Los Angeles courtroom Monday, Rihanna's attorney said something peculiar: The apparent victim of Brown's attack would like to bring the case to a rapid conclusion.

• Tom Brady and Gisele Bundchen's wedding party in Costa Rica on Saturday was rather eventful: Two paparazzi photographers claim that members of the couple's security team opened fire on them as they tried to score shots of the festivities. [NYDN, NYP]
• A former nanny who worked for Robert De Niro and Grace Hightower is suing the couple for failing to pay more than $40,000 in unpaid wages. [P6]
• More drama for Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson: At the launch of Charlotte Ronson's I Heart Ronson line for JCPenney this weekend, Lohan had to be "restrained from coming in by five security guards." [OK!]
• The people of Malawi can breathe a sigh of relief: Madonna left the country on Sunday and returned to London. [People]

Steve Stoute thinks Chris Brown can totally get past this whole "beating his girlfriend, Rihanna" thing and start endorsing products again. Just like he used to do for Soute!

Mid-week, everyone needs to freshen up. Barbara Walters craves a clean break from ABC, reportedly; Robert Pattinson needs a shower and Bruce Willis might never be able to wash off the slime.

• Matt Lauer's "deer incident" won't keep him down for long. He's reportedly in "good spirits" after undergoing surgery yesterday to repair a separated shoulder and will be back to work in a few days. [Star]
• How did Bruce Willis meet his new wife, Emma Heming? He picked her out during a casting call, just like any normal person. [P6]
• Lindsay Lohan is sick of "people telling lies" about her since she's "really a good person" who just wants to put in a honest day's work. Got that? Good. [People, Us]
• Barbara Walters is planning to quit ABC in the near future so she can "spend more time with her boyfriend, Dr. Robert Butler." Or at least that's what "industry insiders" are telling the Enquirer. [NE]
• The cutbacks at Condé Nast continue: Editors like David Remnick and Ruth Reichl have been forced to take the subway! [NYP]

Why isn't there, like, an iPhone app that does all your actual work so you can spend your day chatting with friends on Twitter? Touré, Courtney Hazlett, and Kurt Andersen puzzled over similar questions:

• Lindsay Lohan is reportedly moving into a temporary "therapeutic environment" run by Stephen and Daniel Baldwin, where she can "go to work and meetings," and "remove the negative influences in her life." Sounds like the basis for a great sitcom, too. [Fox 411]
• Holly Peterson—socialite, daughter of billionaire Pete Peterson, and author of The Manny—is calling it quits with her husband of 15 years, Goldman Sachs exec Richard Kimball Jr. [P6]
• Whitney Port and actor Robert Buckley hooked up at a party in Miami and were later spotted "making out at Nobu." [P6, OK!, E!]
• Fashion editors: They're just like us! Vogue's Andre Leon Talley was spotted "chowing down on chimichangas at Chili's" at LAX on Tuesday night. [P6]

A day for relationship regrets: The author of The Manny is losing her husband-y; Madonna's pet model realized she's a control freak; and Rihanna's many regrets supposedly include a sex tape.

Did you know teenaged girls are still defending Chris Brown, despite him all but admitting to beating up Rihanna? It's true; the New York Times has been hanging with high schoolers to find out.

• Following conflicting news reports, it now appears that Natasha Richardson was pronounced brain dead sometime yesterday following her skiing accident in Canada on Monday. She's now reported to be at Lenox Hill on the Upper East Side, where her family members have gathered to hold a vigil and say goodbye. [NYP, People, NYT]
• Rihanna and Chris Brown might be "taking a break," although neither one says it's a "formal breakup," whatever that means. [E!]
• Lindsay Lohan's driver crashed her SUV into a wall outside the Mondrian Hotel in Los Angeles at 3:30 am Tuesday morning. [E!]
• Graydon Carter has already started inviting friends to visit Monkey Bar, the restaurant he's opening on East 54th Street. [P6]
• Just what the world needs: Justin Timberlake recently returned from Mexico, where he's been working on launching his own brand of tequila. [P6]

• Did Kelly Killoren Bensimon ask her boyfriend to lie about getting beat up so she could use it as a PR ploy to "better her chances of being asked back" on Real Housewives next season? That's what her bitchy co-stars are saying as part of a PR ploy to get the attention turned back on themselves. [NYDN]
• Estée Lauder CEO William Lauder is being sued by Taylor Stein, who gave birth to his baby in 2007, for stopping child support payments. [P6]
• In an interview with Matt Lauer, Michael Phelps says he made a "bad mistake" in South Carolina, although he's still not saying what this mistake was. [People]
• Lindsay Lohan has settled the lawsuit filed by a woman whose $11,000 coat LiLo took from 1OAK last year. Also: She left her poor bodyguard stranded in Las Vegas earlier this week. [P6, P6]

It's Friday, how about some reconciliation? Lindsay Lohan finally resolved that little problem of being photographed in someone else's missing fur coat, and Chris Brown and Rihanna completed an inspiring duet.

Bad couple day: Robert Pattinson's Tina Fey lust would be inappropriate, except she started it; there's a conspiracy against the Rihanna-Chris Brown reunion; and John Mayer maybe dumped Jennifer Aniston.

Nickelodeon has finally read the internet. A week too late. They sent an urgent memo out today, recognizing their dumb mistake in keeping girlfriend-beater Chris Brown among the nominees for their Kids' Choice Awards.