Bros. They are everywhere, and they are unstoppable. Their mission: to return to the womb.

There are a lot of parenting books out there, but not all of them answer the very pertinent question, "Is it okay to hotbox my car with my two-year-old son in the backseat?" So allow us to answer: No. No, it is not okay.

Hi Kids! Welcome to Gawker's famous "Kiddie Corner," a place just for you. Today, let's talk about 911. Does anyone know what 911 is? That's right! It's a phone number. A very important phone number. It's Santa Claus' phone number!

Michael Davis is a hyperactive 5-year-old diagnosed with ADHD who frequently gets into fights at school. His mother calls him an "energetic, loving, good kid" who is misunderstood by school administrators at Rio Calaveras Elementary of Stockton, California. They disagree, frequently complaining to his divorced parents that he is a discipline problem. When the school didn't see any improvement, they took matters in their own hands, and invited a police officer to the school to scare Michael straight.

Lady Marmalade, The Soul of Philadelphia, the one, the only, Miss Patti LaBelle: Get your kids the fuck away from her. That's the only reasonable takeaway, really, from a lawsuit filed against the singer by a family who lived in the same, Trump-owned tenement structure on the Upper West Side as LaBelle.

A U.S. Attorney in Tenn. has been forced to remind parents not to buy or sell lollipops that have been spat on or licked by children with infectious diseases like chicken pox. So much for the "free market" in Barry Soetero's America, eh?

As long as we allow her husband to occupy the White House, First Lady Michelle Obama is determined to continue her dangerous crusade to get America's kids in shape. Who is that lady to tell my baby he ain't eating right?

Here's footage shot on Sept. 10 at the Greenlands Labour Club in Lancashire, England, where an enterprising promoter had the inspired idea to pit two, bloodthirsty 8-year-old boys against one another in a cage fight battle royale. You call it a brutal form of child exploitation; they see it as their only ticket out of council flats. Watch in amazement as these scrappy young chavs and/or future looters get their first taste of young blood, then proceed to gut-kick the crap out of one another until one is declared victor and the other breaks down in tears. There is no crying in Pee Wee Mixed Martial Arts Fighting, children! Well, OK. Maybe there's a little crying. [Daily Mail, BBC]

This summer, "planking"—lying face down in an unusual spot while someone takes a picture of you—quickly became a popular internet meme, then a deadly-and-possibly-racist meme, and then, finally, an old meme. And while you'd think that, if anyone, planking would be a hit with the pre-teen set, this new "Kids React" video from the Fine Brothers shows that even children think it's ridiculous and stupid. [via YouTube]

Throwing your annoying kid off a barge isn't funny. Explaining why you threw your kid off a barge, however, is a great opportunity for jokes! Here is Sloan Briles, the Californian charged with felony child endangerment after throwing his 7-year-old off a sightseeing boat, explaining himself to a local news station.

First it was Chuck E. Cheese, and now it's Tweety Bird. A Dallas mother is furious with the Six Flags Fiesta Texas amusement park after noticing that in a photo taken with her daughters, Tweety Bird appears to be giving the middle finger.

DOs and DON'Ts for when you get a DUI:

Today we heard the strange tale of a man in a rabbit suit who is terrorizing a small town. Oh no! Bunnies are supposed to be nice, not scary. But scary they are, now. Looks like we need to change all our children's songs. Luckily, one commenter got us started.

An Australian mother is pitching a fit because her daughter won "Best Personality" at a children's beauty pageant, which is evidence of anti-meritocratic judgment, she says, because her daughter's personality sucks. The Herald-Sun reports,

This morning, down in the desert deeps of El Paso, a 5-year-old child was found, at 1 am, behind the wheel of his mother's minivan after driving it into a pole. The boy tried to flee the scene but was caught. His intended destination? Candy.

Every time we try to look away from 51-year-old Lost actor Doug Hutchison and 16-year-old country singer Courtney Stodden, their freakshow antics suck us back in. In a new E! interview, they pass a Yorkie back and forth, rubbing noses and giggling about Courtney losing her virginity. "He's a tiger," Courtney teases, moving in for a hug. "You're so bad," Doug replies, burying his face in her chest.

A new study published in the Journal of the American Medical Association proposes taking obese children away from their parents until their weight can be brought under control.

People may be having fewer children than ever before, but have you noticed that the ones they are having keep gravitating directly to you — screaming through transatlantic flights, filling their diapers on crowded subways, whipping silverware at your head during romantic meals, etc.? Well, one man has, and he's decided to do something about it. McDain's, a driving range-side eatery in Pennsylvania, has instated a new policy: No more kids under six.

A neurotic, motormouthed Octomom unleashed her children on the Today Show, and the result was complete mayhem. Above, Ann Curry chases down a runaway octobaby while another attempts electrocution by stage light. It's like watching someone tip over a giant bucket of marbles on a dancefloor.

Yesterday, reactionary parent-types lamented satirical children's book Go the Fuck to Sleep as a work of violent bigotry, imploring, "Imagine if this were written about Jews, blacks, Muslims or Latinos."