Finally, someone to suck all the joy out of best-selling satirical children's book Go the Fuck to Sleep. In a column for CNN, Karen Spears Zacharias argues that violent language and implied bigotry mean "Go the Fuck to Sleep is not funny":

Lady Gaga is nothing if not fascinating. Some would even suggest she's inexplicable. So if all of us grownups have trouble explaining the phenomenon, it pretty much goes without saying that group of children—like the one in the above video, reacting to Gaga's recent interview with David Letterman—wouldn't be able to either. [The Fine Brothers]

Four 10th graders from St. Ann's—NYC private school to Brooklyn's brownstone elite—have been arrested for setting fire to a public school's playground, melting the slide. Class rage meter: 5%

Botox Mom Kerry Campbell (who might not be "Kerry Campbell" at all, but a multi-named mystery chupacabra of indeterminate origin) has returned to The Sun, the publication where her insanity spree began, to apologize for shooting botulism into her 8-year-old daughter's face, then bragging about it on TV.

On Tuesday, former Governor of California Arnold Schwarzenegger acknowledged that he had fathered a child out of wedlock. There were scant details beyond a vague timeframe—"more than a decade ago"—and the occupation of the child's mother: "a longtime member of [the family's] household staff." But two tabloids have just identified the woman as Mildred "Patty" Baena, age 50, a former housekeeper at Schwarzenegger's Brentwood estate.

Well, that was quick. Good Morning America reports that Botox Mom Kerry Campbell has lost custody of the 8-year-old daughter she bragged about beautifying with Botox and "virgin waxes." Child Protective Services is investigating the case; in the meantime little Britney Campbell is away from her mother and "doing well." [GMA]

It's time that Kerry Campbell, the pageant mom who proudly admitted to injecting her 8-year-old daughter with Botox and administering "virgin waxes" so her child "won't development pubic hair," gets a moniker. Let's go with "Botox Mom."

Remember that terrible mother who said she gives Botox and "virgin waxes" to her 8-year-old daughter to improve her chances at beauty pageants? Good Morning America tracked her down. Apparently Kerry Campbell—an aesthetician who regularly injects botulims into her daughter's face—is real, and says she's doing nothing wrong.

A 12-year-old British schoolboy who organized rally to liberate shorts made a trenchant observation yesterday. Chris Whitehead—whose "discriminatory" school uniform code permits skirts for girls but no corollary warm weather option for boys—told a reporter:

There are ways to summon magical beings: A tooth under the pillow summons the tooth fairy. Clapping saves Tinkerbell. And a gymnasium full of school children line dancing to "Move Your Body" guarantees that Beyoncé shows up. Here's another video of stiletto-clad Beyoncé materializing during a "Move Your Body" workout, this time at P.S. 161 in Harlem. Apparently giving tween girls heart attacks is part of Michelle Obama's Let's Move campaign? Although these girls are actually pretty blasé. I can't decide if they knew that Beyoncé was coming, or were just like, "Oh, like the viral video. Duh."

Over the past couple of months, any discerning adult should've had no problem concluding that Charlie Sheen is an insane, drug-addled trainwreck. But as this new video from the Fine Brothers shows, even children have no trouble figuring out how crazy Sheen is after watching some of his recent interviews.

Let us take a break, now, from our daily diet of sarcasm and filth for a heartwarming tale: Nicholas Maxim, a boy born with arms that end at the elbow, won educational publisher Zaner-Bloser's annual National Handwriting Contest this year. A fifth grader at Readfield Elementary School in Readfield, Maine, he beat out 200,000 other grade schoolers for the quality of penmanship he produces by pinching a writing utensil between his arms.

Poor three-year-old Jesse here can't stop sobbing in the car ride home, because people keep telling him that he's too small to be governor of New Jersey. By current New Jersey gubernatorial size standards, he is absolutely too small. But can't somebody make an exception? This passionate kid is volunteering to be governor of New Jersey, one of the worst jobs in America. Maybe he can temporarily fill in the next time Sandwiches runs off to Disney World. [via Buzzfeed]

Tonight, Zach Galifianakis followed up his show-stopping Saturday Night Live monologue with an equally funny digital short, during which he interviewed several children for an assistant position. Which one of the little tykes landed the gig? Watch and find out.

Russian baby-swinging yoga guru Lena Fokina—whose unconventional child-rearing terrorized YouTube earlier this year—recently went on high-profile Russian talk show Let Them Talk. Before a live studio audience, Lena Fokina swung a baby, endured half an hour of berate and ridicule, then burst into tears.

Come one, come all, plop yourself in front of your computer screen, and watch the cutest video you'll see today! Here's four-plus minutes of two adorable toddlers attempting to fight each other in the most aw-worthy Taekwondo match ever. Ever!

Everyone's favorite working mother, nü-British will-o'-the-wisp Gwyneth Paltrow, has released upon the world a new issue of her GOOP newsletter, with a big section about kids clothing. What kind of garments should you buy for your growing child? $82 pajamas of course!

By Leah Beckmann — Tonight's foray into the self-esteem building activity that is pageantry, revealed that there is indeed truth behind an adage as old as the great Redwoods: fart jokes are funny!

Is your child going to be a drug-addicted criminal? Thanks to the powers of science, you can now find out, years in advance!

Lena Fokina, the hardbodied Russian viral video star seen swinging babies here and here, is real. She teaches baby yoga for a living and raised two (seemingly) healthy daughters that way. And she just gave her first American interview!