• Denise Richards' divorce from Charlie Sheen is shaping up to be the sort of celebrity tempest that could make Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger look weak. Now Sheen's friends are talking to the press — the more nasty opinions, the merrier! [Page Six]
• And while Denise Richards seeks solace in the arms of Richie Sambora, Heather Locklear opts for wound-licking courtesy of David Spade. [Us Weekly]
• When Rosie O'Donnell heads to The View, we'll be praying that she'll accuse Star Jones of pooping soup on-air. That's Emmy material. [R&M (2nd item)]
• Pete Doherty generously shares his needle with a fan. Who happens to be unconscious. If she ever wakes up, she'll no doubt appreciate the gesture. [Sun UK]
• Is Jessica Simpson's flack Rob Shuter planting nasty quotage about Nick Lachey? Is water wet? [Lowdown (2nd item)]
• Daniel Baldwin is arrested for cocaine, making him the little-known but totally fun brother. [CourtTV]
• Let's make sure we get this right: We're not to cast our eyes upon George Clooney, but we are supposed to listen to his pleas for Darfur? Doesn't work that way, George. Let us stalk you, and we'll happily fight genocide. [ITV]

Our heart goes out to Charlie Sheen's personal assistant, who has seen a considerable expansion in job requirements recently: In addition to chauffeuring their boss to his various "It's A Smear Campaign!" tabloid TV tour appearances, they must also spend hours scrawling the words "lying, Sambora-sucking slut" over Denise Richards' face on stacks of old wedding photos. And if that isn't enough, we can only imagine the delicate, professional touch required in breaking the news that their boss' living nightmare week just got one bullshit lawsuit worse:

As outrageous details continue to trickle in about the Charlie Sheen-Denise Richards divorce scandal—effectively upgrading it from celebrity "dirt" to "Satan's fly-covered feces"—it struck us that the only missing elements from the sordid tale were a porn star corpse and the looming spectre of O.J. Simpson. Well, check and check, according to Rush and Molloy:

• Proving that she's perhaps the most idiotic woman in the world, Denise Richards — already in the running for the crown thanks to her decision to marry Charlie Sheen — is now hooking up with Heather Locklear's ex, Richie Sambora. [Page Six]
• And speaking of Sheen, Richards thinks he might have had something to do with porn star Chloe Jones' death last year after Jones sold a story to the National Enquirer claiming Sheen paid her $15K for sex. Richards claims that Sheen doesn't deny involvement. [R&M]
• Maury Povich has been cheating on Connie Chung. If these two are in the news, then thank God the 80s are back yet again! [NYDN]
• You have to admire the insanity of queen flack Peggy Siegal, who claims that United 93 is the hottest screening in town. [Lowdown]
• Toby Maguire gets engaged to his girlfriend of the past three years, Jennifer Meyer, whose father is Universal head Ron Meyer. And that, drama students, is how you secure a career in Hollywood. [Page Six]

Hollywood is still reeling from the shocking accusations about Charlie Sheen that surfaced Friday in a sworn statement made by ex-wife Denise Richards, in which the actress detailed Sheen's history of verbal and physical abuse and his penchant for faux-underage porn. ETonline now reports Richards has been photographed kissing blindsided Heather Locklear divorce casualty Richie Sambora. ET showed Sheen the pictures, to which he made the witty, lyric-appropriate comment, "Those two give love a bad name." (Yes, he really said that.) He also tells ET that the "allegations are 'baseless' and a 'smear campaign.'" While Mary Hart may be easy to convince, we're less so, especially after reading transcripts of six voicemails allegedly left by Sheen for Richards last April when she was still pregnant with the couple's second child, made available today by The Smoking Gun. An excerpt:

• In an attempt to save face in light of his estranged wife Denise Richards' claims that he's a drugged-up porn freak with a gambling problem, Charlie Sheen takes to Entertainment Tonight to make his case. Working against him, however, is the fact that only a drugged-up porn freak with a gambling problem would think a celebrity fluff show is the proper venue to do such a thing. [ET]
• Did Paris Hilton lose her Bentley in a poker game? Doubtful — we imagine she's quite good, actually. That lazy eye must make her impossible to read. [OCN]
• After getting slammed in the reviews of her Broadway debut, Julia Roberts does what any heartbroken women would do: She runs to Oprah. [Gatecrasher]
• Pearl Jam frontman Eddie Vedder preps for his tour by getting wasted and singing Up Where We Belong. [Page Six]
• Bill Clinton steals the show at Ted Kennedy's book party. Obviously. [R&M]
• Recipe for the most random gossip item ever: Take one $900 Hermes blanket, mix with Lindsay Lohan, Brett Ratner, and a bikini-clad Zeta Graff. Serve with unimaginable stupidity. [Page Six]

Charlie Sheen's already responded with a statement about estranged wife Denise Richard's abuse/drug/gambling/bisexual online porn allegations (short version: divorce "smear campaign"), but all this nastiness can't be good for Sheen's new line of clothing for girls (or as Gawker points out, People's coverage of tomorrow's Sheen Kids launch party). They might not be able to move product to scandalized parents, but there's always opportunities for nimble entrepreneurs willing to make their own breaks, who could easily resell Sheen's soon-to-be overstocked kiddie skirts to the pigtailed, clean-shaven talent pretending to be jailbait that allegedly got him into this mess in the first place.

So Denise Richards' lawyer went to court today, alleging that Richards' estranged husband Charlie Sheen has pushed her and threatened to kill her — that is, when he's not looking at gay and/or underage porn or working on his hooker hobby. Sadly, we doubt anyone in American even blinks at this "revelation," and even we couldn't find a humorous enough take on this to merit a quick post.

The shit has officially hit the fan (and by "shit" we mean the abuse shit, the drug shit, the gambling shit, and the online ambisexual jailbait porn shit) in the Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards divorce proceedings, as the actress has filed a mindblowing declaration today detailing the disintegration of their marriage. The Smoking Gun has the document, summarizing the "we knew Charlie was kind of a sickie, but my god" contents thusly:

A theater in New York City has yanked the trailer for Universal's United 93 over concerns that people aren't ready for Hollywood to lend its trademark delicate touch to a national tragedy still fresh in people's minds, even if the movie is being released later this month one way or the other. The studio, however, isn't planning to recall or alter the preview footage, feeling it's a "responsible" and "fair" representation of the totally non-exploitative entertainment product to follow. Reports the NY Times:

Yesterday, Two and a Half Men star Charlie Sheen appeared on the Alex Jones radio show to join "a growing army of other highly credible public figures in questioning the official story of 9/11." Even more surprising than discovering that anchoring CBS's Monday night sitcom lineup makes someone a "credible public figure" (Doogie, apparently, was too busy running lines about his magic shirt on the How I Met Your Mother set to share his thoughts) was Sheen's discussion of conspiracy theories about the terror attacks, recounted at InfoWars.com: