Determined to remind us all that it is the once and future king of celebrity shitstorms, People magazine has announced that Angelina Jolie has been inseminated with the insensitive seed of Brad Pitt, as confirmed by unnamed reps of both stars. Because she is nothing if not a shiv-toting earth mother, Jolie first told the news to a charity aid worker in the Dominican Republic. See? Now you can't hate her.

Britney Spears and her army of overworked lawyers are suing Us Weekly over the magazine's claim that Spears and Federline have made a sex tape, and so the dutiful lawyers at Wenner Media have made a call to the Us staff:

Because celebrities love to FIGHT BACK (!), Britney Spears has filed a modest $20 million libel lawsuit against Us Weekly for publishing a story about her rumored sex tape. The item, which ran in the magazine's October 17 "Hot Stuff" column, claimed that Spears and her half-assed husband Kevin Federline were concerned about the release of a special home video, which they screened with their lawyers. (Oh, who doesn't watch amateur porn with their counsel? Big whoop.)

• Nick Lachey may sell his side of the divorce story to OK! magazine for $300k, complete with the help of Jamie-Lynn Sigler's ex-husband, A.J. DiScala. As if this weren't classy enough, Lachey may also be investing in megaclub Pacha. Dude's got to keep up with Jessica's post-breakup collagen, after all. [Page Six]
• FBI agents are investigating the Crazy Horse Too strip club in Vegas for racketeering and have interviewed some of the joint's biggest clients, including Robert DeNiro and George Clooney. Anything to get near Clooney, we suppose. [R&M]
• Let's put it this way: If Kate Moss's omni-addicted ex-boyfriend Pete Doherty doesn't have HIV, it's a Christmas miracle. [Page Six]
• Speaking of Christmas miracles, Naomi Campbell actually apologizes to David Bowie for getting her bitch on with Bowie's wife, Iman. [Gatecrasher]
• Nathan Lane mocks Brokeback Mountain on the Today show, and the actor's membership in the Gay Club is thus revoked. [Lowdown]
• Shirley MacLaine is no Paris Hilton. She is, however, quite the Nicole Richie. [Scoop]

Women's Wear Daily reports today that newsstand sales for People, Us Weekly, In Touch and Star are all down in the fourth quarter. Oh, the horror! Why, God, why?

What with all the engagement-breaking and marriage-ending news over the last few weeks, America was starting to doubt whether Hollywood would ever love again. But according to the folks at Us Weekly — and bless those scoopy little scamps — Hollywood's heart will, in fact, go on.

From the wilds of New Jersey, Life & Style bravely steps forward to continue reporting on the broken engagement of Nicole Richie and DJ AM. When it comes to revealing who dumped whom, real journalists work through the tears:

Click to enlarge.

The new National Enquirer is out today, and the granddaddy of the gossipy celeb rags is quick to lay its own claim to Us Weekly's Nick-and-Jessica-split scoop: The Enquirer suggests it's the supermarket weekly's photograph — the one above (click to enlarge it) — that actually caused the breakup:

• The day Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey announced their separation, Star and Celebrity Living had covers suggesting the couple's pregnancy. Surely they'll save face by giving Simpson a miscarriage next week. [Page Six]
• Lindsay Lohan's reign of fucking continues towards its inevitable end: Johnny Knoxville. [Lowdown (last item)]
• At the Australian Film Industry Awards, Russell Crowe mocks his phone-throwing incident by bringing an old phone on stage and threatening the audience with it. Those who didn't laugh were promptly beaten. [IMDb]
• The Lower East Side is far from perfect, but its denizens still scare off Ashlee Simpson. [Page Six]
• Jayson Blair returns to 43rd street to film a Swedish interview outside the Times building. Some editors reportedly opened their windows and said hello, presumably with water baloons and shaving cream-filled condoms. [R&M (2nd item)]

Mediaweek reports that celebrity magazines may have reached their tipping point, indicated by last week's collapse of Inside TV:

Yes, yes, we read the "news" this morning just as you did, and sure, our stomach did the same little shit-spasm as yours: Kimberly Stewart, daughter of much-doppelganged singer Rod Stewart and Talan Torriero from MTV's quasi-reality show Laguna Beach, are engaged. It's a whoretastic match was made in D-list heaven.

TV Guide, as we all know, is dying. No on needs a weekly magazine of TV listings any longer. Solution? As of April, it was: Launch Inside TV, a woman-oriented celebrity-ish mag.

Brenda You, formerly the West Coast bureau chief for Star magazine, committed suicide in Los Angeles Sunday night, the Los Angeles County Coroner has confirmed to Gawker.

Graffito spotted Friday night in the men's room at Winnie's, Gawker's preferred divey Chinatown karaoke bar:

Click to enlarge and overanalyze.

• After Blairgate and Judygate (and with Wen Ho Leegate and Stephen Hatfillgate pending) Times cancels J.T. LeRoy piece for T after New York convinces them he may or may not exist. [WWD]
• Is People the new Us Weekly? Keith Kelly seems to think so, saying that Time Inc. celeb title is up while its competitors are down. [NYP]
• Bill and Cathie at ASME: Buckley and Hearst's Black to receive lifetime-achievement awards from the mag group. [AdAge]
• Tokion sold, as if that makes any difference to your life. [Folio:]
• Taking a cue from his pals' pal Judy, Bush, too, should take a severance and a letter to the editor and just retire already, says Greg Mitchell. [E&P]
• It seems the kids like the blogs. [News.com]

We just heard another interesting tidbit from the Accessories Council Excellence awards held on Tuesday. Allegedly, all reporters from our treasured tabloids (including Us Weekly, Star, Life & Style, and In Touch) were banned from the event. This was tactfully handled by the ACE publicist, who sent out an email late Monday night, retracting invitations.

Actress Kate Hudson — daughter of Goldie Hawn, wife of Black Crowes frontman Chris Robinson, star of various eh-level romantic comedies — has taken legal action against British tabs Heat, Closer, and the Daily Mail, as well as our own beloved Star and National Enquirer, for publishing pictures of her accompanied with the suggestion that she was suffering from an eating disorder. Notes Hudson's legal team:

• Aaron Brown's problem is that he's "erudite and droll and low-key," says Jon Friedman. Would that we all had such problems. [MW
• Jay-Z considers buying The Source, perhaps. [WWD]
• Right-wing stooge put in charge of public-broadcasting corporation forced to step down. In celebration, Bert and Ernie invite Tinky Winky over for a hot three-way. [NYT]
• One good thing is coming from the glut of celeb mags: A price war. Celebrity Living now retails for only 25 cents, at which point it is only barely overpriced. [NYP]
• Joan Lunden and David Hartman return for a GMA 30th-birthday party, which purely coincidentally falls on the first day of November sweeps. [USAT]
• Sexy Jon Fine loves grumpy old adman George Lois. Also, he thinks he's full of shit. [BizWeek]