Today in tawdry: A stank film director, a famous actor with huge lifts in his shoes, and a nice actress who loves kittens and babies. Outrageous!

Today in human frailty: an Oscar winner wooing a publicist, an actress screaming for coke, a TV personality who tried to kill herself, and a fading celeb who can't get invited to the cool parties:

Today in thinly-veiled takedowns of attractive people: an actor sexing a coke-buying teen, three reality show women whose golden days are over, and a superstar with a normal girlfriend (HEH).

Sometimes people play their roles correctly. Today's blind items: a tween star who talks to other girls and is therefore a gay, a weed-smoking rapper(!) and a drunk diva actress and her crackhead friends:

It turns out there is no news in New York City currently that does not relate to hipster grifter Kari Ferrell! Semi-celebrities and prospective hookups are sending us her ridiculous lies! We're programmed to care.

Martha Stewart, our arch-nemesis, has a few ideas about how to save some money during this recession: buy fewer trees, but more glitter kits. She also demands that you knit her a scarf!

Animajapesters at South Park had a bit of fun at Kanye West's expense, but Kanye didn't get upset; he's taking this opportunity to examine himself. And he's decided to stop being a "HUGE DOUCHE"!

Nobody would be surprised if skeevy American Apparel boss Dov Charney and nebbishy, schoolgirl-stroking Woody Allen turned out to be the same person. So naturally they're in court, accusing each other of the same things.

Kate Spade's husband Andy—he's also David Spade's brother! Who cares? Well nobody really, if you want to be a dick about it, but it's good to know David Spade was a nerd from day one:

Since you were wondering, here's an update on douchebag ad man and former CNBC host Donny Deutsch's love life: that other guy's wife is now Donny's girlfriend, okay.

Blind items—on the weekend?!? Why not, god damn it? Today: a chain-smoking, clothes-scamming actress, a 'spiritual' weedhead actor, and a party boy addicted to too-young Thai girls:

Vogue-interning hockey star Sean Avery is opening a Tribeca "sports bar meets country club" with the proprietor of drug-free downtown nightspot the Beatrice Inn. A joke about Avery, Josh Hartnett, and coke goes here. [NYO]

Today in cathartic speculation about the private lives of others: an "A-list hunk" smacked by a lady who's not a coke whore, an actor lying about his age, and a flirty TV news personality:

An attractive supermodel overcome with meat-induced lust? Where do I, an 18-34-year-old male with disposable income, sign up? At Hardee's! Padma Lakshmi has decided to do one of those Slutburger commercials.

Our friend Arthur Kade is moving up in the world! Philly's most inane John Fitzgerald Page knockoff is in a movie with Angelina Jolie. Eh, Arthur Kade has fucked hotter chicks:

Private things you'll discuss publicly today: a ratlike fashion editor, a cokey former tabloid editor, a star's cheating husband, a gay TV icon who likes pee, and an OCD celeb:

Marcelo Tas is a Brazilian TV host described as "a tropical version of...Jon Stewart." But you could also describe him as "the first celebrity to trick a company into paying him for bullshit on Twitter."

In your outrageously newsy Wednesday media column: a PR conspiracy theory for Us Weekly, updates on Conde Nast layoffs and Interview cheapskate-ness, Steve Bartelstein vanishes, and trade mags start wheezing:

Liam Neeson's wife, the actress Natasha Richardson, injured herself skiing in Canada and suffered a "traumatic brain injury," reports IrishCentral.com, citing a Montreal "hospital insider."

Permasmiley celebrity Columbia writing student James Franco is going to have a book of his short stories published by Scribner. This, strangely, is the least ridiculous book deal we've written about this week. [Fox]