A massive auction in Las Vegas of Michael Jackson and Jackson 5 memorabilia is now cleared for takeoff, as the deposed pop monarch has quietly dropped his suit and settled with the collection's rightful owners.:

It's been reported that accused closet-raider Lindsay Lohan won't be charged with felony grand theft for allegedly boosting clothes from a local woman, as there's insufficient evidence a crime was committed and the Los Angeles County justice system has already dedicated all of its celebrity-prosecuting resources to the ongoing Paris Hilton case. With this avenue closed to her, the accuser, model Lauren Hastings, has taken her case to the internets, dropping by the offices of Buzznet to describe (in painstaking detail—get comfortable, you're going to be here for a while) how the supposed theft went down—and, far more chillingly, revealing the ensuing campaign of Blackberry-enabled terror (there are photos!) waged against her by Lohan, Nicole Richie, and Samantha Ronson for Hastings' choice to go public with the matter. We applaud her willingness to stand up to this intimidating, wardrobe-pilfering triad, a brave effort that calls to mind the sage words of entertainment newsmagazine philosopher William Hall Bush, "All that is required for the triumph of celebutard evil is that good models do nothing."

As we mentioned yesterday, parole-violator Paris Hilton's sentence will require her to serve a minimum of 23 days of her 45 day sentence, because "the state allows time off for good behavior." She'll call Century Regional Detention Facility in Lynwood home during that time, where she'll serve her sentence away from the general prison population, in one of the 12 two-person cells in Lynwood's special needs housing unit, where "police officers, public officials, celebrities and other high-profile inmates" are kept. And despite some strong admonitions from the Sheriff's Department, leading paparazzi outfits are already calculating how to get their hands on the orange-jumpsuited money-shot:

As prosecutors laid out their airtight case in the matter of The People Vs. Paris Hilton, one woman dared to defy popular opinion and stand shoulder to shoulder with the heiress in her darkest hour, laughing defiantly during their arguments, and brazenly asking of the judge, "May I have your autograph?" The woman: Paris's mom, Kathy Hilton, best known as the star of I Want To Be A Hilton, in addition to spawning the polarizing fragrance magnate. In a statement dictated personally to fellow rich ladyfriend Barbara Walters, Mother Hilton had this to say about her daughter's misfortunes:

· A video obtained by Inside Edition (that's the TV tabloid news program hosted by Deborah "Hey, Everyone! Who Wants To Watch That Dowdy Old Jane Pauley When You Can Have Me Instead! What? I'm Fired? I Guess I'll Slum It At Inside Edition Until Something Better Comes Along. Girl's Gotta Eat!" Norville) has obtained a videotaped testimonial made shortly after Lana Clarkson's death, intended for posting on his site, in which he swears up and down he didn't pull the trigger. "She may have accidentally taken her life, she may have been eating the gun...she may have been doing anything," were some of the alternate theories he offered, says InsideEdition.com, adding a fascinating gun-gobbling angle to the mystery that the defense has yet to explore. [InsideEdition]

Of the many key pieces of evidence to click into place in the Phil Spector murder trial, none was more anticipated than the testimony of Spector's driver, Adriano DeSouza. On the fateful night, DeSouza ferried Spector to various WeHo watering holes before eventually bringing his boss and House of Blues hostess Lana Clarkson back to the castle "for one drink." Two hours later, he was startled by "a pow," followed soon thereafter by Spector emerging from the residence holding a gun in his bloodied hand:

It's been a busy day for Al Bundy's kids: Earlier today, it was officially announced that low-achiever Kelly, whom no one in the Bundy household believed would ever make much of herself, landed her own bonked-on-the-head sitcom on ABC. Bud, however, long assumed to be the family's lone hope for escaping its cycle of shoe-sales despair, suddenly finds his mugshot splashed all over The Smoking Gun, which reports that he was arrested for pot possession and disorderly intoxication in Florida after the police caught him fighting with his ex-wife in the middle of an intersection. (Classier types know to keep their embarrassing spats close to the valet stand.) OK, now that we're fresh out of Married with Children jokes, we'll direct you to the police report, describing how the arresting officer "could detect the strong odor of an alcoholic beverage emitting from his person that grew stronger as he spoke" and his subsequent confiscation of the bag of weed Faustino had in his pocket. Fun!

A Sydney court hearing addressing the small matter of the 48 vials of banned human growth hormone discovered on prime aged USDA beefcake Sylvester Stallone has elicited a mea culpa from the sexagenarean action star, reports the Sydney Morning Herald:

Lindsay Lohan, so often a helpless victim of her enormous, completely talent-derived worldwide fame, once again finds herself locked in battle with a member of the paparazzi underclass that's so hellbent on destroying her charmed life. Fans of the critically adored actress ("Ann-Margret, Meryl Streep, and Sophia Loren rolled into one," says cinephile journal Maxim) no doubt remember the harrowing March incident in which an innocent photographer somehow wound up splayed upon the hood of Lohan's BMW, a moment of ugliness that has now resulted in a lawsuit alleging that she was "negligent, careless and reckless" in operating the Bavarian death machine in the crowd of swarming shutterbugs and seeking monetary damages "for his pain and suffering and his lost wages." Should the pap succeed in extracting some cash from the embattled defendant, we fear that camera-clutching local grifters will exploit the situation by throwing themselves beneath the wheels of her vehicle each time she attempts to leave Hyde, hoping that TMZ's omnipresent cameras will capture lucrative footage of the lead-footed Lohan's callous disregard for their safety as they just try to make an honest living.

Waitress Kathy Sullivan offered a brief respite from the parade of female witnesses testifying that Phil Spector had invited them to his Alhambra mansion only to ambush them with a firearm when they refused to succumb to the music producer's "icky" advances. Yes, he invited her and a friend back to the Château for a night of sing-alongs and sleepovers; and yes, a gun made an appearance. But this time, Spector was only doing his chivalric duty, giving them an armed escort back to their car:

Anna Nicole Smith's 2001 will—which named her deceased son Daniel as her sole heir and Babydaddy Sweepstakes also-ran Howard K. Stern as its executor—has been filed by Stern in an L.A. probate court yesterday:

Throughout Paris Hilton's recent travails, it often occurred to us that all the convicted socialite might really need is a just swift kick in the ass-goiter—preferably from a voice of experience who could sympathize with a life steeped in nearly unfathomable Hollywood affluence. We speak, of course, of Candy Spelling, whose fully authenticated open letter to the embattled heiress was posted yesterday by TMZ.com, having now expanded their mandate to include soapbox services for bored celebrity widows:

The Chicago Board of Education is being sued by the family of a 12-year-old girl who claims she was psychologically scarred after a high school substitute teacher screened Ang Lee's award-winning cinematic exploration of forbidden sheepherder love, Brokeback Mountain, for her students:

We suppose the delicate balance of trust forged between celebrities and their adoring, chemically imbalanced stalkers was breached at the precise moment when Sandra Bullock's current obsessor, Marcia Diana Valentine, attempted to run over her husband Jesse James "three or four times" with her silver Mercedes in the couple's driveway. (Topic for discussion: Is the stalking class getting wealthier?) Bullock made sure to show up to a court date in the O.C. in person today—see her walking into and out of the hearing here!—where a judge granted her a restraining order:

Unable to come to grips with the idea that it might lose its favorite local socialite for the full 45 days of her recently handed down prison sentence, the LAT embarked on a quest to find someone willing to envelop it in a warm hug, gently stroke its hair, and reassure it that those scary men don't really mean all their nasty talk about Paris Hilton serving every last minute of her hard time:

With all the dramatic fires and firings sweeping through Hollywood lately, we almost let an entire day pass without updating you on the latest developments in the saga of recently disciplined Hollywood überpresence Paris Hilton. Well, it's time to correct that egregious oversight, with your afternoon Paris Hilton round-up:
· A statement issued through her attorney corrected "what I believe are misperceptions about me...I absolutely realize how serious driving under the influence is... I do not expect to be treated better than anyone else who violated probation. However, my hope is that I will not be treated worse." She then signed it, "Yours, Elliot Min—I mean Paris! 'That's hot.' See? It's really me!"[TMZ]
· Some confusion over why the convicted heiress has been spotted zipping around town in her Bentley is cleared up: Her license was reinstated in March. [People]
· We think it's a matter of time before Paris: The Reckoning becomes a hit Broadway courttroom drama, à la 12 Angry Men. Why not save all the effort and time it would take to write it, and simply use this Nancy Grace CNN transcript instead? [Transcripts.cnn.com]
· In this dark graphic novelette, Hannibal Hilton helps Clarice Starlet (played by Lindsay Lohan) find her way to Buffalo Britney. But will she save Sanjaya before it fails to properly rub the conditioner in its hair? We aren't telling. [SFGate.com]
· If you cut her, does she not bleed plaster of Paris? Finally, we get an unobstructed bird's eye view of the "Paris Hilton Autopsy" sculpture, revealing her innards to look not much different than ours, especially after we've had one too many #5 combos at El Pollo Loco. [news.yahoo.com]

We wish we could say there were a lesson to be learned from tough guy methhead Tom Sizemore's inability to stray very far from the glass pipe, but with an astounding nine upcoming projects listed on his IMdB page, we're beginning to wonder if an insurmountable crystal habit isn't exactly what every down-in-the-dumps former Hollywood contender needs in order to stay productive enough to make the month's car and mortgage payments. Of course, you'll always be running the risk of arrest, even when you're doing nothing but minding your business, gnawing on your own cheek in a parked car:

There's nothing like the unexpected jailing of a beloved icon to inspire activism on the part of the teeming, internet-enabled masses, as petitions alternately seeking to set free Paris Hilton or make sure she serves every last minute of those 45 days have been propagating online. While we're still a little disappointed that pro-Hilton forces still haven't expressed their outrage with a cathartic riot, here's a round-up pointing you to various places where you can join up with a grassroots movement that will ultimately be ignored:

By now you know the drill, but for those showing up late to the Phil Spector B-actress shooting trial/wigstravanganza, it goes something like this: 1. Prosecution calls woman to the stand. 2. Woman testifies that she and Spector were friends, until the night the Wall of Demon Voices (and her reluctance to put out) convinced him to threaten her with a variety of firearms. 3. Woman inexplicably remains friends with Spector until a recurring pattern begins to suggest he may not have their best interests at heart. Certainly, all of this holds true for Dianne Ogden, whose damning testimony yesterday is reduced to its essential points in one of those convenient Story Highlights boxes. Thanks to your time-management-sensitive friends at CNN.com, you can quickly get the "forced sex at gunpoint" overview, without ever having to delve too deeply into all the "icky" details.

As it turns out, Paris Hilton's late Friday sentencing to 45 days in a tragically unfashionable Lynwood jail would kick off something of a blockbuster weekend in Hollywood jurisprudence: The Smoking Gun reports (with unflattering mugshot!) that HBO CEO Chris Albrecht was arrested for suspicion of an assault against his girlfriend in the valet parking lot of Las Vegas' MGM Grand hotel following the Oscar De La Hoya/Floyd Mayweather fight on Saturday night, a physical altercation that we're sure will be explained away as nothing more than the pay cable chief getting a little carried away in excitedly demonstrating a dramatic domestic dispute that will transpire between Tony and Carmela in one of the remaining four episodes of The Sopranos. Meanwhile, back in Los Angeles, Extreme Makeover: Home Edition star Ty Pennington took a more traditional path to the police blotter (sadly, no booking photo is available) by getting popped for a DUI in West L.A. Pennington's people have already issued a public statement of apology aimed at restoring his fans' faith in their favorite primetime toolbelt model: