· Brad Pitt will star in the mind-bendingly self-referential Sony pic Chad Schmidt, where he'll play an actor that can't get work because he looks too much like Brad Pitt. You know, kind of like Skeet Ulrich and Johnny Depp. [Variety]
· Fading NBC golden boy Jeff Zucker's heartsick over his network's falling ratings, but will dry his tears with all the money pouring into NBC Universal. [Variety]
· Ripped from the headlines, pooped into development: Warner Bros. buys disturbing internet chat article U Want Me 2 Kill Him? from Vanity Fair for Bryan Singer to develop and direct. Singer needn't worry—that sort of thing almost never happens on dating sites. [Variety]
· Academy members complain that technical award winners will be stuck in the ghetto of the audience instead of onstage when they're presented with awards. Hey, it could be worse, you could be stuntmen and not get an award at all. [THR]
· Fox Searchlight singlehandedly decimates the Australian film industry with its decision to postpone Eucalyptus indefinitely in the wake of suspicious-sounding "script problems." [THR]

· Jon Stewart is hot, HOT I tells ya: While Jon Stewart is tied to his The Daily Show anchor chair through 2008, Comedy Central will finance the development of other projects through Stewart's Busboy Productions. [Variety]
· Meg Ryan's agents have a sense of humor, signing her on to star in the romantic comedy Role of a Lifetime, when everyone knows she cashed in her "role of a lifetime" by having that on-screen orgasm in a restaurant an eon ago. [THR]
· Freddie Prinze Jr. works! (At least for a little while.) ABC helps Prinze silence Sarah Michelle Gellar's whining about how he sits on the couch all day by greenlighting a pilot for him. [Variety]
· Showtime to adapt British comedy Manchild for American audiences. Guys, the Brits don't work here, stick with the gays. [THR]
· Knowing that "logistical difficulties" would make getting Billy Crystal and Gregory Hines into a Running Scared sequel impossible (at least without prohibitively expensive CGI), New Line merely recycles the title for Paul Walker. [Variety]

· MGM CFO Daniel Taylor will take over as president of the studio. The elevation of the studio's chief bean counter to the top spot makes it painfully clear that MGM is now officially Sony's money-printing bitch. [insert sound of a lion being sodomized] [Variety]
· The Oscar nominations of Finding Neverland and The Aviator have Disney and the Weinsteins again holding hands and skipping around the Maypole. [Variety]
· News that five people care about: The rift between the WGA West and WGA East is about to get all Biggie-Tupac over which coast gets what share of dues. [THR]
· "Script problems" delay the Crowe-Kidman flick Eucalyptus. You'd think they would've gotten that troublesome script thing in shape before everyone showed up to shoot the movie. [THR]
· Jerry Bruckheimer lures feature directors Andrew "The Fugitive" Davis and Simon "Tomb Raider" West to his TV
drama pilots, promising them they could blow up as much shit as they like on the small screen. [Variety]

· The House Energy and Commerce committed passes a bill that "dramatically increases" broadcast indecency fines. Way to go, five people that file 99 percent of indecency complaints! You're officially running the country now. [Variety]
· For those who prefer their Messiah roughed up, but not graphically brutalized, Mel Gibson is recutting The Passion for a limited theatrical release. Five to six minutes of violent scenes will be cut, and instead of a crown of thorns, Christ will wear an uncomfortably tight baseball cap. [Variety]
· Hollywood Out of Ideas, Scorsese Edition: The Aviator's team of Martin Scorsese, Leonardo DiCaprio, and writer John Logan will remake Kurosawa's Drunken Angel for Warner Bros. [THR]
· Hollywood Out of Ideas, What the Fuck? Edition: Producer Tony Thomopolous and George Hamilton are developing a sequel to the 1979 vampire comedy Love at First Bite. Finally, all those 25-year-old loose ends will be tied up! [THR]
· The Tom Cruise Book Club: Paramount buys another book for their golden boy, Christopher Reich's as-yet-unpublished The Patriots Club. [Variety]
· Meg Ryan, apparently bitter that her agents at William Morris thought it would be a good idea to get massive plastic surgery that rendered her almost unrecognizable, bolts for CAA. [THR]

When we posted the casting call for Brett Ratner's video shoot for Mariah Carey yesterday, we didn't expect that anyone would attempt to apply through Defamer. But, of course, someone did enlist us to help them make their connection with the type of fame that only a frame or two in a Ratner-directed video can provide:

· Hey, starfuckers with wanderlust! Quick, get thee to the Land of Hasselhoff to see the likes of Keanu Reeves, Bill Murray, Will Smith, and Kevin Spacey hawking their cinematic wares at the Berlin Film Festival. [Variety]
· The New Paramount™ continues to spend, spend, spend, buying the rights to the gold-digging kids book Treasure Trove for Tom Cruise's production company. [Variety]
· Start your angry letter-writing campaign now: Fox reduces Arrested Development's episode order to make room for American Dad. Looks like the network has finally run out of patience with AD's ratings...or American Dad/Family Guy (which is being relaunched there soon) creator Seth MacFarlane has some incriminating pictures of Fox head Gail Berman. [THR]
· American Idol continues to bestride the feeble television landscape like an out-of-key Colossus, pulling in another 30 million viewers. [THR]
· Chris Noth's career comes full circle, as he returns to the Law & Order franchise (this time to the Criminal Intent flavor), giving the producers some insurance against future Vincent D'Onofrio "fainting spells." [Variety]

A once-in-a-lifetime opportunity has presented itself, as curiously hacky director Brett Ratner takes a short break from his blockbuster feature career to once again ply his trade on the small screen. You, the SAG-card- wielding Hollywood hopeful, can work with a visionary in the medium that most fully exploits his cinematic gifts—that is, if your headshot passes the grueling "Ratner test":

· Double-feature alert: There are plans to re-release Deep Throat to accompany the Universal documentary Inside Deep Throat on the [cough-cough] "seminal porn film." [Variety]
· Fox sensibly shits its pants and decides to move Fantastic Four back a week, avoiding a likely one-sided Fourth of July showdown with War of the Worlds. They're a lot less afraid of Bewitched, the new competition, which will likely feature fewer spectacular explosions. [THR]
· Now that Paul McCartney's buzzless Super Bowl halftime show has made live television safe for America, ABC will air the Oscars through 2014, and will shrug off the tyranny of the 7-second tape delay. [Variety]
· In an effort to capitalize on the runaway popularity of housewives in suburbia, ABC signs
Kristin Davis to star in the one-hour pilot Soccer Moms. The move also helps temporarily to keep former Sex in the City stars off the welfare rolls. [THR]
· Even after bothering to "reimagine" Jennifer Love Hewitt half-hour In the Game, ABC mercifully decides to finally put it down like a crippled dog. [THR]

· Actors celebrating their own: The SAG awards throw a bone to the Sideways ensemble, while Jaime Foxx and Hilary Swank warm up for their Oscar speeches. [Variety]
· John Cusack takes a break from romantic comedies to to star in the hitman thriller The Contract with Morgan Freeman. We're unclear which of them is the hitman; both have previous contract killer experience. (See Grosse Pointe Blank and Nurse Betty.) [Variety]
· The delightfully jiggly Eva Mendes will star opposite Nicholas Cage in Columbia's Marvel comic adaptation of Ghost Rider. Daredevil's Mark Steven Johnson is directing, so you know this one's going to be huge. [THR]
· Pilot pick ups: a Fox sitcom set at a used car dealership, an NBC poker comedy, and a wacky, "high-concept" WB show about Miami mermaids. In related future news, networks will reduce their slate of new comedies to record low levels. [Variety]
· Tired of all that "fake crime" bullshit on the innumerable CSI and Law & Order series? A&E is launching the Crime & Investigation network for those who like their crime to have real victims. [Variety]

· Microsoft brings out the million-dollar check to snag Alex Garland to translate the Halo videogames into some kind of coherent script. We get the feeling that everyone's favorite monopoly ain't gonna settle for an Alone in the Dark kind of adaptation. This will probably be a REALLY EXPENSIVE kinda flop. [Variety]
· David James Elliott, star of JAG, the longest-running show that no one we know has ever seen, gets a development deal with ABC and Touchstone TV for his 10 years of service. In the corporate world, you'd get a nice watch. [THR]
· Dustin Hoffman signs on for the Will-Ferrell-hears-hilarious-voices-in-his-head comedy Stranger Than Fiction. He'll play another wacky professor type, a la I Heart Huckabees. [Variety]
· Hey, did you forget that they're still making James Bond movies? They are! The next one will be Casino Royale, even though they don't know which guy with a funny accent will get to wear the golden tuxedo yet. [THR]
· Studios shuffle around the release schedule for their summer-flavored crap. But don't bother paying attention yet, it will all change four or five more times in the next few weeks. [Variety]

Are there any casting calls in this city that don't require that people pre-screen naked pictures of our city's aspiring actors and actresses? Granted, the following notice is for a scene set at the Playboy Mansion (we're surprised it took this long for the Entourage kids to wind up at Hef's pad), so in the interest of verisimilitude, they're going to need a look at your cans:

· You heard it here first: Boxing movies are hot, hot, hot! Paramount and Sony team up to buy the rights to make the boxing documentary Ring of Fire: The Emile Griffith Story, the true story of the boxer that beat his opponent to death in the ring after he called him a homo, into a feature film. You're not going to get that kind of edge in Russell Crowe's Cinderella Man. [Variety]
· The People's Mandate: American Idol trounces Bush's State of the Union address in the ratings, despite the president's hilariously off-key rendition of "It's Raining Men." [THR]
· It's official: The Apprentice: Martha Stewart is a go at NBC, and Stewart's five-month house arrest isn't even a problem—she'll bring her new prison edge to the show. Instead of merely dismissing contestants who can't hack it in Marthaland, they'll be raped by her former lesbian cellmates. [Variety]
· You just know this one was sold off the pitch, "Antonio Banderas is a ballroom dancer." [THR]
· Jack Nicholson joins Martin Scorcese's The Departed to show young punk co-stars Matt Damon and Leonardo DiCaprio how it's done. [Variety]

· MGM picks its final four films before their new masters at Sony take over. Strangely, one of the chosen films is Breaking Vegas, a directing vehicle for Brett Ratner. Wouldn't it have been less painful to burn down the place before Sony gets to run the show? [Variety]
· Tina Fey will write the script for and star in an NBC pilot about "the head writer of a SNL-like variety show, focusing on her efforts to control a volatile star and executive producer." Don't stretch yourself too much, Tina. [THR]
· Ray director Taylor Hackford seems to know he's got no shot at actually winning the Oscar, as he signs up to direct Jerry Bruckheimer's "West Wing at the Pentagon" pilot E-Ring. [THR]
· Aspiring actors willing to do anything for your careers, take heart: unionizing casting directors have decided not to strike, and are still willing to accept your sexual favors in return for a break. [Variety]
· American Idol's huge ratings continue to distract everyone from thinking about how horrible the rest of Fox's schedule is. [Variety]

· Take the cannoli, leave the huge bag of cash: HBO will probably announce today whether TNT or A&E paid through the nose for reruns of The Sopranos. The offer they couldn't refuse (groan) is expected to be at least $2.1 million per episode. That's-a spicy meatball. (Kill us now.) [Variety]
· Angelina Jolie signs up to star with Matt Damon in the Robert DeNiro-directed The Good Shepherd. Let the sweaty trailer sex and destruction of longterm relationships begin! [Variety]
· Now we feel a little better about not sticking around Sundance long enough to catch the Strangers With Candy movie, as Warner Independent snaps it up for a fall release. [THR]
· The SAG/AFTRA establishment will allow opponents of their recently negotiated labor contract (heretofore referred to in the legal paperwork as "The Ass-Blasting") with the studios to complain about the soreness of their hindquarters in a public referendum. [THR]
· Spider-Man 2 and the Seinfeld DVDs bury Sony Pictures under an avalanche of cash. [Variety]

· Execs try to put together last-minute deals as Sundance draws to a close. The best news: several buyers are eyeballing the Strangers with Candy movie. [Variety]
· Cross your fingers that this will finally cool the heat on poker projects: Drew Barrymore will play Eric Bana's love interest in the high-stakes poker dramedy Lucky You. Get it? Luck and poker? [THR]
· Jennifer Lopez returns from wandering in the agency desert to re-sign with ICM. They're now charged with the task of figuring out a way to increase her overexposure by at least 50 percent. [Variety]
· A Wahlberg is in talks to star in a 70s cop drama for NBC. But don't get too excited, it's just the one from NKOTB. Donnie, we think. [THR]
· Actors come out in support of casting directors' attempts to unionize, trying to ensure that their valuable casting-related sexual favors don't shift any further toward the studios. [Variety]
· Big-time publicist Bumble Ward suffers a mid-life crisis, abandoning the flacking game to write novels. She's generously agreed to help the clients she will one day thinly veil in her fiction find new representation. [Variety]

· The Golden Globes ratings slump causes the Television Academy to consider overhauling the Emmys ceremony, such as removing most movie and miniseries categories from the telecast, or reducing the show to a half-hour series of reaction shots of the Will & Grace cast. [Variety]
· Fox entertainment president Gail Berman can unload the suicide pistol in her desk, as better than 30 million viewers per hour tuned in to watch the premiere American Idol "retards singing Ricky Martin standards" episode. [THR]
· Red-hot off The OC, Tate "Jimmy Cooper" Donovan signs on for...a Sci-Fi Channel series with Shaft? We smell an agent firing on the horizon. [Variety]
· Paramount is still remake-crazy, but at least this time they're bringing out the big talent guns for their live-action/CGI Charlotte's Web. Julia Roberts, Oprah, Andre 3000, Kathy Bates and a cast of thousands will do the voices. [Variety]
· We thought they'd hold out for Speed 3: Somewhat Faster, but Sandra Bullock and Keanu Reeves will reuinite in the romantic drama Il Mare for Warner Brothers. [THR]

· Fox entertainment president Gail Berman knows that her network is really taking it on the chin with its year-round programming schedule, but pledges that they're still committed to having their ass kicked in the name of being revolutionary. Luckily, American Idol is right around the corner to cover up some of the Nielsen bruises. [THR]
· Peter Jackson and Fran Walsh pony up some of their precious Lord of the Rings coin to buy the rights to Alice Sebold's The Lovely Bones, which will keep the studio development monkeys from flinging their feces on the project at least until the script is finished.[Variety]
· Universal outbids several studios for a chance to produce The Break Up (plot top secret!), shelling out $2.25 million for the script written by Jeremy Garelick and Jay Lavender with a story by Vince Vaughn. Since no one's buying Vaughn's brain, he's attached to star in the film. [THR]
· Disney plans to go ahead with an idea for the Pixar-less Toy Story 3 idea pitched by a writer in their animation story development program. The studio has yet to decide whether to let the precocious kid write the script or crush his dreams by bringing in some high-priced talent. [THR]
· Though the Housewives themselves were at the Golden Globes, America much preferred seeing them in character on another channel, as ABC's powerhouse Sunday night demolished the awards show's ratings. [Variety]

· The WGA recognizes the Oscar favorites, but throws in a couple of curveballs by nominating Zach Braff for Garden State and Tina Fey for Mean Girls. Never doubt the appeal of Lindsay Lohan's breasts to a bunch of people who sit in front of their computers all day. [Variety]
· Anthony Minghella will direct Breaking and Entering for Miramax, "a contemporary story about theft, both emotional and criminal." We'll let him get a little artsy if he promises to throw in a scene where the thing they want to steal is surrounded by laser beams. [THR]
· Les Moonves' remarriage can't stop him from extending his evil partnership with Jerry Bruckheimer, as CBS greenlights the Bruck's American Crime pilot. If it ever gets to air, expect a "CSI" to be appended to the front.
[THR]
· Kiefer Sutherland continues to carve out a nice little career playing government agents, signing on to play a Secret Service guy in The Sentinel, with Michael Douglas. [Variety]
· Edward Norton attempts to make the heat on his career reappear by playing a magician in The Illusionist. [Variety]

· News Corp., in good financial shape, looks to start buying everything in sight just for shits and giggles. [THR]
· If 74-year-olds keep scoring seven-figure deals like the one Alvin Sargent just signed to write Spider-man 3, older, out-of-work writers are going to have a hell of a time suing studios for age discrimination. [Variety*]
· Afraid of the possibility that the God of the Old Testament might smite them for their sin, ABC will produce their Ten Commandments miniseries without a singing Val Kilmer. [THR]
· Hollywood Out Of Ideas, We Were Just Ahead Of Our Time Edition: Disney signs up writers Brian Klugman and Lee Sternthal for a Tron remake. [Variety*]
· Sean William Scott joins Billy Bob Thornton in the cast of the New Line comedy Mr. Woodcock. Enjoy the movie's title before it gets changed to something more palatable to red state theatregoers. [THR]

· Steven Spielberg is finally moving ahead with his Abraham Lincoln biopic, entering into talks with Liam Neeson to star. Hey, he may not be American, but he's tall and he's already comfortable with the gay stuff after doing Kinsey. [Variety, sub. req'd.]
· ABC co-savior J.J. Abrams can do it all (except make us care about Alias). He'll direct The Good Sailor, about the sinking of the U.S.S. Indianapolis, for Universal. [THR]
· Co-head of CAA motion picture lit department Josh Donen bolts CAA to set up a production company with Sam Raimi at Sony. It's always a little sad when an agent gives up "the life." [THR]
· Billionaire producer Steve Bing buys his way into the director's chair, setting up a gig directing Morgan Freeman and Anthony Hopkins in Harry and the Butler. Once you've had Nicole Kidman and Liz Hurley, you think you can do anything. [Variety]
· Cinematographers nominate The Passion of the Christ for their yearly awards, regonizing the film's achievement of making Christ's beatings look absolutely breathtaking. [THR]