When Robert Blake admitted that he's broke and needs a job so that he can nattily outfit his hummingbirds (after some some restorative "cowboying" time, naturally), casting agents were listening:

· The trades look at Viacom's potential bifurcation. Enthralling! [Variety, THR]
· The ankle bracelet's still warm, and already CBS is trying to throw together a Martha Stewart biopic. Naturally, they want Cybill Shepherd to reprise her role from Martha, Inc.; she's already doing research on how to sharpen spoons and shiv a hack. [Variety]
· Jennifer Aniston will star with Vince Vaughn in super-secret romantic comedy (you know, only like a thousand people in town know what it's about) The Break-Up. Let the Aniston-Vaughn porking rumors begin! [THR]
· We absolutely refuse to read an article with this headline: "Sprechen sie Soderbergh?" Knock yourself out, though. [Variety]
· Pilot casting is now making that sucking sound that you get when you get to the bottom of a Big Gulp, as we've never heard of anyone of these people with pilot jobs: AJ Calloway, Nicholas Brendon, Jodi Lyn O'Keefe, and Michael O'Neill. [THR]

· News that ten people care about: The average cost of producing and marketing a movie fell 5% to $98 million in 2004. Yay, studios, pat yourselves on the back! Because when Vin Diesel finally gets that eleventy billion dollars approved to make Hannibal, that number's gonna soar. [Variety]
· Larry King will stay on at CNN until 2009, or until he collapses into a pile of dust in his desk chair, whichever comes first. [Variety]
· The FCC passes the swear jar from Michael Powell to commissioner Kevin Martin. We're thrilled that we work in the obscenity-laden Wild West that is the internet. Watch this: cocksucker! No fine! Yet... [THR]
· The principal from Boston Public and that teenage witch chick both get pilot jobs with Fox. We couldn't make this stuff up: the Fox projects are called Deviant Behavior and Dirtbags. [THR]
· Hoping to recapture the magic from the days when she wasn't so overexposed that the mere sight of her induced hate-seizures in a large part of the population, Jennifer Lopez reteams with Selena director Gregory Nava for her next movie, Bordertown. [Variety]

Query Letters I Love, the blog that anonymously posts the ill-conceived pitch letters of the unhinged for all to see, presents a screenplay we'd like to see get made (although it's possible we've been blinded the brilliance of the title):

· At the ShoWest conference in Vegas, MPAA head Dan Glickman thanks foreign film markets for making even the most egregious of Hollywood's bombs reach profitability. In an unrelated note, we really loved Glickman's work as the Tall Man in the Phantasm movies (pic at left). [THR]
· Kenneth Branagh decides to steer his career into startlingly uncharted waters by directing an adaptation of Shakespeare's As You Like It. [Variety]
· Whoops! Look like we were wrong about all of the actors in Hollywood being used up for pilots. Donald Sutherland, Gina Gershon, George Wendt, and Roger Daltrey fill in some of the casting cracks. [THR]
· New Line buys the rights to the upcoming Chuck Klosterman book Killing Yourself to Live: 85% a True Story, in which the writer visits the sites of infamous rock-star demises. Let's see if they can get Philip Seymour Hoffman to play Klosterman. [Variety]
· A quick reminder of a controversy that had the country's panties in a painful bunch, but which now we can barely remember: The FCC rules that Nicolette Sheridan's Monday Night Football skit was not indecent. Which, we suppose, makes it decent. [THR]

· This counts as breaking news, if you care at all about the British film industry: Someone we've never heard of takes over the UK Film Council's Premiere Fund, taking on the responsibility for investing—now wait for it—the equivalent of Tom Cruise's annual motorcycle-and-matching-leather-jacket budget in British films. [Variety]
· Lasse Hallstrom will direct Hoax, the story of the man who perpetrated a media um, hoax, by selling a fake Howard Hughes biography. Richard Gere is in talks to play the huckster. That thing about Hughes urinating into milk bottles, that's still true, right? Right? [Variety]
· Yesterday was FCC Supernanny Michael Powell's last, tearful day. We're sure he'll rebound, but in the meantime, he plans on wandering the streets of DC and fining tourists for naughty language, collecting a nickel per infraction in his swear jar. [THR]
· Sally Field, Heather Graham, Robert Patrick, and Colm Meaney all obtain acting work in shows that will make one episode, then be reviewed by television network executives who will decide based on that single episode if the production of additional episodes is warranted. [THR]
· Variety maintains its dominance in alliterative trade paper headlines, demoralizing the THR with this gem: "Disney Dissidents Dis Disney." Fuck, they're good. [Variety]

· Even with their corporate masters cracking the whip and demanding more, more, more, the Sideways-boosted Fox Searchlight will make fewer movies this year. [Variety]
· MPAA Head Pirate Hunter in Charge Dan Glickman tours the "crime-ridden black market-areas" of Mexico City in an effort to crack down on piracy south of the border. Luckily, there have been no reports of Glickman firing pistols at poverty-stricken sidewalk vendors selling unauthorized DVD copies from dirty blankets. Yet. [THR]
· Fox Animation gets the rights to Dr. Seuss's Horton Hears a Who, which much to the chagrin of the Geisel estate, will promptly be retitled Rupert Hears a Who. Hey, that's what happens when you deal with Hollywood. [Variety]
· Hey, did you hear the one about pilot season? Ellen Burstyn, Alan Ruck, John Francis Daley join pilot casts. [THR]
· "Thanks to a vote Wednesday on Capitol Hill, Hollywood is one small step closer to seeing the camcording of a film declared a federal crime." Whether the crime should be punished by firing squad or by mere genital mutilation is yet to be determined, however. [Variety]

· Executives flee as soon-to-be Weinstein-free Miramax like rats from a sinking ship. Or if you like a somewhat less dated analogy, fleeing like an assistant being beaten by Harvey Weinstein brandishing a rolled up copy of Talk magazine. [Variety]
· We've already linked to Variety's coverage of WGASignatureGate, so here's a link to THR's reports. [THR]
· Dan Rather will step away from the smouldering splinters of his CBS News anchor's desk tonight, but if you're getting this information from the trades, we recommend that you leave the production office once in a while.[Variety]
· Aisha Tyler, Loni Anderson, Scott Foley, Jonathan Schaech, Sarah Wynter, and Christine Taylor...you know what we're going to say re: pilot season. Don't make us do it. [THR]
· Keanu Reeves is set to bring his peculiar brand of confused-looking, monosyllabic star power to bear in Columbia's epic The 8th Voyage of Sinbad. We hope he wears a fez and some baggy pants! [Variety]

· Martha Stewart goes home after life-affirming time in prison, ready to capitalize on her stay with a line of "Prison Bitch" lifestyle products. The napkin rings made from the phalanges of her former cellmate are certain to be a best-seller. [THR]
· Nic Cage signs on for the Neil LaBute's thriller The Wicker Man, which, sadly for all of us, appears to have nothing to do with the Josh Hartnett vehicle Wicker Park. [Variety]
·These stars will probably never reach your television with their pilots: Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Stockard Channing, Jane Curtin, Fred Savage, and Don Johnson will collect paychecks for the next month. [THR]
· NBC orders at least 10 episodes of Treasure Hunters, a reality show that has teams solving puzzles, criss-crossing the globe in a quest, and trying to discover exactly how they became trapped in the 1980 Michael J. Fox movie Midnight Madness. [Variety]
· House gets a pick-up for a second season. E-mail from Fox head Gail Berman declaring the show to be an "enormous hit" to follow. [THR]

Defamer is committed to connecting our readers with non-pornographic employment opportunities in a rapidly-growing entertainment field. From Craigslist:

· The Brad Grey Era at the New Paramount™ begins with a splash, we guess, as Brad Pitt, Cate Blanchett, and Gael Garcia Bernal sign on for the drama Babel. We still like our idea for the Pitt star vehicle The Man of Few Words Who Smells Something Funny and Likes to Shoot Guns better. Perhaps Mr. Pitt can discharge a firearm somewhere in the picture and satisfy us? [Variety]
· Not to be outdone by Brad and Cate, Jennifer Aniston will hook up with Meryl Streep (figuratively, of course) to star in Wanted for Plan B, her and Pitt's still-kicking production company. [Variety]
· Two women who were once married to smarmy stars (Geena Davis and Rebecca Romijn) get pilots. Everybody works during pilot season! [THR]
· Jack Valenti comes down off the MPAA mountain to explain why Gunner Palace (the most profane PG-13 movie—ever!), received its rating. The reason? "Because I fucking said so! Now get outta my yard, you movie-pilfering imps!" Also, realistic portrayal of war, etc etc. [THR]
· Even with just a half-hour of American Idol and one arm tied behind their back, Fox takes Wednesday night. Next week, Fox will tempt Nielsen fate by running an hour of Idol commercials, and still will draw 25 million viewers. [THR]

Some of you might remember this casting notice from January, in which the producers of CSI: NY were trolling for a certain Miramax tyrant type to kill off on the show. ("Think Harvey Weinstein. He has a weight problem, can’t stop eating.") Since our TiVo has strict orders never to record any Jerry Bruckheimer production, we needed a reader to inform us that they finally snuffed the faux-Harvey last night:

· The feel-good Hollywood story of the year: top execs at MGM make out like bandits with multi-million dollar severance packages while their underlings brace for unemployment. [Variety]
· "Stevens brushed aside constitutional questions about whether the government has the right to regulate indecent speech on pay TV services." Rights? Constitution? Fuck that, there are naked titties and swear words on HBO that need them some good old-fashioned indecency finin'! [THR]
· The overall Oscar ratings were down, but at least Chris Rock delivered some extra eyeballs from the 18-34 demographic. Repeated Cuba Gooding references by Rock also increased viewership significantly in the coveted Gooding demo. [Variety]
· SAG CEO Bob Pisano to resign, AFTRA executive director Greg Hessinger will take his place. Ask your waiter to explain the implications. [Variety]
· Everybody works during pilot season: David Arquette, Marilu Henner, Kristen Johnson, and Laura San Giacomo cast in pilots, may reclaim valuable items from local pawn shops. [THR]
· Antione Fuqua, fresh of off not directing American Gangster, will direct the Messiah-ass-whupping-free Under and Alone, starring Mel Gibson. Gibson contract, however, contains a rider allowing him to act like he's God's gift to man. [Variety]

· The usually hilarious Chris Rock boosts Oscar ratings to a five-year high by toning down his act enough not to induce heart attacks in frail Academy members (while boring most everyone else). [Variety]
· The Little Euthanasia Engine That Could: The inspiring tale of how Oscar darling Million Dollar Baby made it to the screen. [Variety]
· For about $250,000 per episode, TBS gets the rights to air According to Jim re-runs. We sincerely hope that the network doesn't denude the groundbreaking sitcom of its trademark edgy humor as it commutes to basic cable. [THR]
· Everbody works during pilot season, part the tenth: Christopher Lloyd, Tom Berenger, and Luke Perry pick up temporary paychecks. [THR]
· Losers drive Beemers: Variety's website is covered in BMW ads featuring Best Supporting Actor also-ran Clive Owen. [Variety]

· Iraq war documentary Gunner Palace wins an appeal with the MPAA, earns the title of Most. Profane. PG-13. Movie. Ever. [Variety]
· Everyone works during pilot season, part 100: Tiffani "Don't call me Amber" Thiessen is cast in CBS sitcom pilot Stroller Wars. [THR]
· HBO moves Six Feet Under to Monday nights just to watch broadcast network execs shit their pants. [Variety]
· Poker no longer red hot: Debra Messing joins Drew Barrymore and Eric Bana in the Curtis Hanson poker flick Lucky You. [THR]
· Just in time to sustain the industry's feel-good vibe from the Oscars, the MPAA announces more lawsuits against movie downloaders and file sharers. This might just be a rumor, but we've heard that Dan Glickman is going to castrate one of the pirates right after the "Recently Dead" montage in the Oscar telecast, then feed his balls to a ceremonial MGM lion. [Variety]

· Fuck the tsunami victims, and forget about houses sliding down hillsides, Hollywood has a bigger problem: How will the pounding rain affect the Oscar parties? [Variety]
· Everybody works during pilot season! James Van Der Beek and one of the Arquettes turn in their food stamps until at least mid-April as they sign up for sitcom pilots. [THR]
· The Shield showrunner Shawn Ryan tempts severe writers' block by inking a huge three-year overall deal with 20th Century Fox TV. Poor schmuck. He may never write again, and his army of gold robots will provide scant comfort as he kicks his laptop, screaming, "Why can't you give me more edgy cop dramas?!" [Variety]
· Failing to find a sufficiently commercial project involving the sexual molestation of former child actors and cancer patients, entertainment firm Neverland Films abandons its bad-buzz name and is reborn as Code Entertainment. Next up: Michael Jackson rechristens his home "Code Entertainment's House of Prepubescent Sodomy," forcing another naming crisis for the unlucky company. [Variety]
· U.S. Circuit Judge Harry Edwards tells off the FCC because when ordinary citizens do it, the governent cackles with delighted disregard: "Are you going to regulate washing machines next?...Ancillary [power] does not mean you get to rule the world." Awww snap! [THR]

The producers of Freddie Prinze Jr's sort-of semiautobiographical sitcom pilot for ABC, The Freddie Prinze Jr Project, are determined to explode tired stereotypes. From a casting notice:

· Variety: "Arnold is looking to terminate runaway production." It's safe to stop reading after that first sentence, since they blew their pun load by also using "Governator" in the subtitle. [Variety]
· The WGA showers their award love on the screenplays for Sideways and Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, which will likely go on to get shafted at the Oscars. [THR]
· Susan Sarandon joins Billy Bob Thornton in the cast of New Line's Mr. Woodcock. Again, we urge you to enjoy that title before it disappears into the ether of indecency. [THR]
· Ben Affleck's addition to the cast of Focus Features' Truth, Justice, and the American Way suddenly makes Adrien Brody and Diane Lane's decision to do the movie seem like career Russian Roulette. [Variety]
· Michael Bay signs on to direct the long-developing project Molly's World, a psychological thriller in which everything explodes for no apparent reason. [Variety]

· The Disney CEO search is so secretive that the candidates might not even know they're being considered for the gig. Candidates will discover they're up for the top Mouse spot only after being struck on the head and regaining consciousness in a secret bunker underneath Space Mountain. And please, never speak of what Michael Eisner's going to do with that flashlight. [Variety]
· The new, talent-friendly, free-spending Paramount obtains the rights to the yet-to-be published novel Love Walked In for Sarah Jessica Parker. [THR]
· Jamie Foxx hasn't even given his obnoxious Oscar acceptance speech, and already studios are elbowing each other for the movie release spots for next year's awards. [Variety]
· Peter Fonda and Donal Logue will join Nicolas Cage in the cast of the Marvel comics movie adaptation of Ghost Rider. Someone obviously tricked Fonda into believing this is a sequel to Easy Rider. [THR]
· In the future, all television pilots will be produced by Jerry Bruckheimer. We suggest self-immolation before that day arrives. [Variety]

In the proud columnist-to-sitcom tradition of Dave's World and CBS's current Listen Up comes Joint Custody, the 20th Century Fox pilot for ABC revolving around much-traveled (read: frequently fired) LAT entertainment columnist Joel Stein's heady, post-college days. Do you, the struggling thespian looking to make a name for himself in Hollywood, have the acting chops and VH1-ready quips about A Flock of Seagulls to properly embody the Stein mystique on the small screen? From a Joint Custody casting notice: