• It's official, still: Madonna bought a kid from his dad, filed papers for adoption, and saved Africa from the "evil eye." [AP]
• In a surprising move that suggests he actually gives a shit about making his marriage — and weekly allowance — last, K-Fed tells Britney that she can't have any male dancers in her new video. [Scoop]
• During yesterday's taping, Jennifer Aniston tells Oprah that she and Vince Vaughn are still an item. Oh please, baby Jesus, let this love last. [People]
• While trying to outrun paparazzi, Angelina Jolie's driver hits a teenager on a motorbike. Made the kid's day, actually. [E!]
• Sienna Miller forgets to bring ID to a Pittsburgh bar and resorts to pulling a Polonsky. [Page Six]
• We can't quite ascertain the relevance of the following, but did Eleanor Roosevelt chow box with Amelia Earhart? And can you say "chow box" in reference to historical figures? [R&M]
• Donald Trump ruins Palm Beach skyline with giant American flag. [Page Six]

• And so the Meatpacking District continues to burn: tomorrow night, Level V hosts a party for NV, the "beauty enhancing diet pill" currently being hawked by Carmen Electra. How appropriately gauche. [Animal]
• After their long, overdramatic stay in Namibia, Brangelina pledged $315K to a local preschool and area hospitals' maternity wards. Too bad Namibians haven't even seen 1/10 of that money. [Radar]
• If you never have the chance to sit and scream like a banshee in Oprah's studio audience, what's the next best thing? Sitting and screaming liking a banshee in the car she drove cross-country with Gayle King. [KickingTires]
• Meredith Vieira confesses to being one of those psycho Harvard wannabes. [Meredith Vieira Today]
• An insider privy to Diane Sawyer's interview with Mel Gibson (airing Thursday) says Sawyer was, "f****** harder on him than I could imagine. I was cringing." Rock. [Deadline Hollywood Daily]

• Fashion Week simply cannot go by without at least one perceived drama; dowdy City Hall folks are urging Hizzoner to terminate 7th on Sixth's lease on Bryant Park because the circus is too disruptive. Obviously, these opponents are very jealous and incredibly ugly. [Page Six]
• Meanwhile, Paris Hilton changes clothes between shows in her chauffered Bentley, where the driver gets an eyeful of our national nightmare. [Gatecrasher (3rd item)]
• Also? She's a retard. [TMZ]
• Jimmy Fallon gets drunk, acts like an ass in front of a bunch of lesbians. [R&M (bottom of page)]
• Sarah Michelle Gellar steals black Chanel nail polish. So bad ass, so street. [Lowdown]
• Your tax dollars keep Brangelina safe. [Us Weekly]
• We know you mean well, but OMG GEORGE CLOONEY STFU. [AP]

Recently, an individual who has registered an insane amount of Brangelina/Shiloh-related domain names offered us the chance to purchase any number of his culturally hot dot-coms:

Paging Steven Klein: New York mag and photographer Serge Leblon just looove your work! In their annual fashion issue (yes, we weighed it; came in at one very questionable pound), it would seem that a photo spread starring Rachel Weisz and Justin Theroux bears a flattering resemblance to Klein's now-infamous W portfolio starring Brangelina. New York's "interpretation" doesn't really hold half a candle to the original, but you can't fault a little girl for trying to dress like her mommy. In the end, this is just another innocent case of Mossappropriation, the sincerest form of flattery.

• Brangelina's stolen baby shower photos are such a national treasure, the freaking FBI will raid your home to get them back. Tax dollars at work, people. [TMZ]
• Mo Rocca is on Star's side: by blindsiding Barbara Walters and quitting ahead of schedule, she spared us all the two-hour farewell episode from hell. [Fanatical Apathy]
• The Devil's assistant wears Prada, too. And she's shitty at keeping your rolodex up-to-date. [NYP]
• Meet Sarah Stillman, the Nation's Student Writing Contest winner. She will only win $1000, however, because that's what she gets for leaning left. [The Nation]
• The sky over Gristedes bawls "like a fucking constipated baby." Shouldn't this sort of hate be reserved for Duane Reade? [The Call Me Concha]
• There's already a Generation Z, and they're fashion bloggers. [WWD]
• Jane EIC Brandon Holley feeds readers pizza, but not so much that they won't fit into pretty new clothes. [Jossip]
• Natalie Portman and Eddie Izzard are, oddly enough, neck-and-neck for the lead in Cabaret. Such a toss-up, right? [Suicide Girls]

• There's been an arrest in the case of Brangelina's stolen baby shower photos; still no clue who unleashed those horrid Britney pics, though. [R&M]
• In other Brangelina legal news: a Jordanian man tries to embezzle $23,000 with a fake ID bearing Brad Pitt's picture. [Reuters]
• Josh Duhamel pounds on a bathroom door at Vegas nightclub Bella, the occupant of which was taking too long. The door opens, out comes Tommy Lee, and suddenly Duhamel is on the floor. Never mess with a man's toot time. [Page Six]
• Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban's Tahitian honeymoon is crashed by Eva Longoria and Tony Parker, who are staying at the same resort, brining with them plenty of paparazzi. [IMDb]
• The ladies of The View are just a bunch of harpies. [NYDN]
• The Polish-American Congress brands Garry Trudeau a bigot because of a character named Kaminski in his Doonesbury cartoons. It would figure that a bunch of stupid polocks wouldn't get the joke. [Lowdown]
• The Glasgow Hilton refuses to give Paris Hilton a corporate discount. The Scotland tourism board couldn't have bought better publicity. [Page Six]
• A naked Pam Anderson just ain't what it used to be. [TMZ]

• Stolen photos from Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's baby shower have made their way to the web, prompting lawyers to do their threatening, lawyerly thing. The images may be illegal, but is it so wrong that the people want to see Brangelina wearing the Laurel Touby fertility costume? Marvel at the image here. [TMZ]
• Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban tie the knot; Kidman wears 80's throwback gown by Balenciaga. [Us Weekly]
• After learning that her interview with Matt Lauer didn't do much to help her image, Britney Spears hires someone to take classy pictures. Alas, the pics and an interview were sold to OK! for a mere $5K — much less than Britney's $200K asking price. Only K-Fed fetches that kind of money nowadays. [Page Six]
• Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone bend to blackmail from the National Enquirer. [R&M]
• Steven Soderbergh's former agent, Pat Dollard, more or less calls George Clooney a pussy. [Page Six]

• These are Nicole Kidman's last moments as a single woman — she and Keith Urban will marry tomorrow in Sydney. Should things go by the wayside, Urban will get just $600K for every year of their marriage and not a single penny if he goes back to blowing rails. [Page Six]
• Speaking of powdering one's nose, producer Dallas Austin is currently in a Dubai prison for trying to smuggle drugs into the country. The occasion? Naomi Campbell's birthday party, of course. And she was pissed when he didn't make it. [R&M (2nd item)]
• Being famous is hard for Anderson Cooper — people offer him free stuff and know his name and ride in his car and want to be his friend. Poor Anderson. (Jesus, listen to us: are we headed towards a backlash? No, no. Just a rough spot, that's all.) [Lowdown]
• A paparazzo sketching around Maddox Jolie's daycare center is arrested for trespassing, though he didn't jump any fences or set foot on the center's grounds. He was just innocently, legally stalking. [TMZ]
• Drag queen Kevin Aviance, whose jaw was wired shut after he was beaten in a hate crime, will have his mouth set free for one day so that he can perform for Sunday's gay pride parade. Let's hope he sings his hit song "Cunty," if only so we can see how the Times covers it. [Page Six]
• American Idol runner-up Katharine McPhee will not let you forget about her, even if that means she has to pull the bulimia card. [People]
• Just in time for the premiere of Superman Returns, Kate Bosworth nears death. [Popsugar]
• Finally, thank God, the Coreys reunite — we're praying for License to Drive 2. They owe it to us, really. [E!]

According to Keith Kelly's drinking buddies at Time Inc., People mag's Princess Shiloh issue sold about 2.3 million newsstand copies, compared to their usual run of 1.5 million. Combined with the issue's upped cover price of $3.99 (50 cents higher than usual), Shiloh may have netted People an extra $2.25 million profit. Unfortunately, that's not quite the $4 million the mag reportedly coughed up for the pictures, but the sheer, arrogant glory of having exclusive rights was surely worth the extra $1.75 million.

Er, BREAKING: After 10 years of mutual love and support, Diddy and PR man Dan Klores are getting divorced. Word is that Puff left DK for another woman — Jill Fritzo at PMK. But just in case Diddy gets involved in another shooting, Klores is staying on a $1K/month retainer. Gotta keep the bases covered.

Anderson Cooper had the honor of conducting Angelina Jolie's first American interview since giving birth to baby Shiloh, and oh, how we were excited. It was certain to be a night full of gossip and girl talk, laughter and tears. But Coop, love him as we may, is no Barbara Walters. There was no soft lighting, no tears, no hard-hitting questions about Jennifer Aniston. Instead, we were faced unbelievable boredom: two straight hours of Jolie effusively discussing the plight of refugees, her face lighting up with every new country she could name-check. There was no new information (except that Zahara is jealous of the new baby, which is positively earth-shattering).

• Completely unsubstantiated but nonetheless interesting: Are Jay-Z and Beyonce officially over? Does Jigga prefer the less-bootylicious Rihanna? Will Beyonce's dad resolve the issue with a shotgun? [Social Rank]
• Like an udder on a thick-lipped cow, Anderson Cooper milks his interview with Angelina Jolie, airing tomorrow night. He clarifies that People's $4 million Shiloh fee did not include a guarantee that he'd get first interview; rather, Jolie picked the Coop because she knew he wouldn't try to do her. [360 Blog]
• It's Christmas in June: Danny Meyer's ShackCam goes live! Updated every 5 seconds, it's the ultimate tool in planning your meal schedule. May it bring all of Manhattan together and working towards organizing dining, so as to forevermore avoid intolerable lines. [Eater]
• One of Brooklyn's beloved Jonathans writes an open, overwrought letter to Frank Gehry; if all the Jonathans would combine their powers, they could create a Super Letter, so strung-out that not even the most hardened developer could look away. [Slate
• What if Brokedown Palace involved a pair of jeans? [Wired]
• You can now purchase a clear cube full of authentic NYC garbage. Just goes to show that if you package a turd properly, someone will buy it. [NYC Garbage]
• GMA kisses Prince's boots, builds him a fortress. [OAN]
• Edward Champion ups the Okrent cocksucking metaphor to slightly uncomfortable, albeit satirical, levels. [EdRants]
• Performance art on a Monday morning is simply unacceptable. [Animal]
• Crackheadz Gone Wild: New York features raw, uncensored footage of local drug addicts on spring break, going crazy for Mardi Gras beads. [Metro]

Let's start this lovely morning with something of great, pressing import: a glitter-sprinkled press release brings news that our dear Anderson Cooper, Chelsea's beloved prince, will be interviewing Angelina Jolie in her first U.S. television interview since the birth of the world's sexiest baby. Naturally, Coop had to submit to doing it under the guise of a serious look at African refugees and airing it on World Refugee Day (June 20), but you know he won't let her leave without talking some Shiloh.

• People mag has a major opportunity for you, cash-throwing advertiser — placement of your ad space near Shiloh. Dodge takes the bait. Is there anything that baby can't sell? [LeftLane]
• Without Pete Doherty, would the British press simply cease to exist? Every single day, the crackhead inspires a new, stupid story. Today, he's found Jesus. Tomorrow, he'll have found another rusty syringe. [FF]
• Just another reason to loathe Bill O'Reilly, courtesy of his 10-room Manhasset estate. [Cryptome]
• A Suicide Girl attempts to spend 7 days straight in the Fifth Avenue Apple Store (open 24 hours). If David Blaine had any thunder, this might steal some of it. [SuicideGirls]
• It's kind of sad when construction workers would rather read the WSJ than ogle your ass. [Things That Make You Go Hmmm]
• Marc Jacobs dumps his boyfriend; not even the twink's Marc Jacobs tattoo could lube the relationship. [Towleroad]
• Way up at 158th Street rests Safety City, "a special place to how to cross streets, drive bicycles, and ride in cars safely." [Amish in the City]
• An extra to-do for you tonight: John Mayer will be testing his skills at the Comedy Cellar at 11 PM. His comedy skills, that is. Panty-throwing still appropriate. [BWE]
• Eva Longoria is determined to prove that she can be just as annoying through the written word, thus her forthcoming erotic novel, to be ghostwritten by the editors of Maxim. [BookStandard]
• In their defense, only porn is going to distract Katrina victims from their problems. [CNN]
• From the creators of the Greg Gutfeld Show comes Keira Knightley's Jaw, a blog documenting exactly that. Better than Keira Knightley's Pout, which just makes you want to punch things. [Keira Knightley's Jaw]

The Times takes a look at last week's Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt debacle, in which evil, lawless websites like this one posted Hello! magazine's "inexplicably" leaked, multimillion-dollar cover image of the world's most important child. Says People managing editor Larry Hackett:

New York has taken a moment to remind us all that they had done a cover story on their predictions for the Brangelina baby photos, along with staged photo shoots that look somewhat similar to the actual photos. See? They took a picture on a bed, and there was a real picture on a bed — they got it right!

• Brangelina, Shiloh, and "those other kids" plan on returning to Malibu this weekend. When their plane touches American soil, our country will celebrate the reclaiming of our national treasures. [TMZ]
• After his jokes about Brokeback Mountain, Howard Stern gets snubbed by Heath Ledger and Michelle Williams. At Nobu, no less, for bonus shaming points. [Page Six]
• For every tabloid tell-all book, there's a spurned ex-boyfriend getting a gun permit. In Bridget Harrison's Tabloid Love, it's the Post's Jesse Angelo; for Deborah Schoeneman's 4% Famous, it's Rocco DiSpirito. [R&M (2nd item)]
• 59-year-old actor James Woods is now dating his daughter, 20-year-old Ashley Madison. [Lowdown]
• Barbra Streisand tours again! Cue fainting Gays! [IMDb]
• Fake David Cross is to the East Village and Lower East Side as Fake Jimmy Buffet is to the Hamptons. [Page Six]

So much for ignoring someone until they go away: it's been some time since we dignified the existence of 5W Public Relations' cracky despot Ronn [sic] Torossian, and yet he refuses to fade into the ether. Case in point: he's managed to find a way to flack off of the most important event of the century, the birth of Shiloh Jolie-Pitt. Yes, Ronn knows that newborn babies are an incredible PR opportunity(!), and the parents shouldn't be the only ones who get exploit little cutesy-wutesy. That shirt Shiloh is wearing in her lucrative pictures? Why, it's designed by Kingsley and available at Belly Maternity — and it was delivered to Africa, courtesy of Ronn's carrier pigeons. SCORE!

As these things inevitably go, it would seem that the web has gotten its intangible hands on a solid handful of copyrighted images from Brangelina and Shiloh's session at the Sears Portrait Studio. And while we will gladly look at the pictures, coo like idiots, and then link to places where they can be found, we just can't post them. We can and will stand on our fair-use high horse all we want about a thumbnail pic of the Hello! cover (which, per our original offer to Time Inc. counsel Nick Jollypants, we have now changed to the People cover), but we really can't use the same justification for the fuzzy, cloying photos floating around from Hello!. Sorry — but this time, turns out that posting the pics actually is illegal. Or so we're told. Our lawyer could just be drunk and not wanting to deal. Whatever. We're still working through the first round of legal woes from 2 days ago, and we can't even keep track of what we are and aren't allowed to do anymore.