• Britney's manny — revealed! The ginger gentleman is 28-year-old Naval Academy grad Perry Taylor, who's really just one of Britney's bodyguards. Nowadays, that obviously means guarding her baby's body, too. [TMZ]
• As for her hubby, the inimitable K-Fed, he'd really appreciate it if you'd all respect one another on MySpace. [Lowdown (last item)]
• LA has designated some parking spaces for the mentally handicapped, allowing Paris Hilton to park just that much closer to her emergency crotch doctors. [Page Six]
• Brangelina deny any plans to get married, preferring that Shiloh remain a beautiful bastard. [IMDb]
• Larry Flynt is sued for sexual harrassment by a former employee. If you're working for that man, you really should know that "loud, obnoxious, and repeated noises of sexual gratification" just mean that the company's doing well — and who doesn't want a holiday bonus. [R&M]
• Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes' prenup will give her $3 million for every year they remain married, up to $33 million. Which is almost enough money to buy back her blackened, captive soul. [Scoop]

Well, hello there! People's Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt issue hits the newsstands tomorrow, and the local tabs are on those pictures like stink on baby shit. Because they're wily, the Daily News doesn't have the picture online — so clever, making us buy the paper so we can see this mysterious baby everyone's talking about.

In his column today, merry media man Keith Kelly reports that American OK! and Us Weekly just missed winning the rights to the baby pictures of Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt, both bidding in the $4 million range but losing to People's $4.1 million (and to what length they'll go to get their money's worth). And since they were already tossing around the petty cash, People went ahead and bid $5 million for worldwide rights, but Getty laughed in their face. Kelly also reveals that Hello! paid around $3.5 million for British rights, then introduces us to his special brand of math:

You post one little picture of Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt and, within seconds, the suits start calling. As it turns out, the Hello! cover photo of Shiloh and her sexy baby lips is very much authentic, so much so that Time Inc. lawyers were all up in our grill within an hour of this morning's posting. As we were informed by Time Inc. counsel Nick Jollymore (cute!), by posting the Hello! cover, Gawker was infringing on People's very exclusive, very expensive U.S. rights to the baby pictures. We think it's small enough to fall under fair use, and we'd gladly replace the Hello! cover with a People one featuring the baby, but no dice. And so Time Inc. continues on its counseled quest, creating almost enough fun to distract everyone from their more dismal problems.

• And the award goes to... People magazine, who won the Getty Images' first pictures of baby Shiloh for a mere $4.1 million. Props to Getty for making them scramble and outbid each other until 6 in the morning. [Page Six]
• While you organize a hunger strike until People publishes the pics, do enjoy the questionable image at right. At any rate, the baby's lips look real. [Dlisted]
• Former ReganBooks slave Bridie Clark pulls a Weisberger and skewers Judith Regan in her forthcoming roman a clef, Because She Can. If the movie looks half as good as Devil Wears Prada, we approve. [Lowdown]
• Crazy Barbara Davis defends her greasy grandson Brandon's comments about Lindsay Lohan's firecrotch, telling people that Lindsay and Brandon are dating now. Not true, says Lohan's rep, but delusional old ladies sure are cute. [Page Six]
• Delusional teen talents are cute, too: Lindsay Lohan drops out her latest project, Bill, because the directors aren't as awesome as Brett Ratner. [IMDb]
• Nicole Kidman schedules her June 25 wedding to Keith Urban for the evening hours, so as to thwart the paparazzi. If she'd just give in and let Getty take some pictures, Nicole could use the money to feed all of Angelina's Namibian leftovers. [Scoop]
• Born-again Christian Stephen Baldwin is irrelevant because the Lord wants it that way. [R&M]
• Elapsed time since Britney and K-Fed were last photographed together: 97 days and counting. [Us Weekly]

• The ever-reliable News of the World reports that Britney Spears has signed "preliminary divorce papers." If she and K-Fed get divorced, perhaps it will pave the way for her true soul mate: the Manny. [NotW]
• Brad Pitt's parents have arrived in Africa to get a glimpse of Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt and, if we're lucky, sell any pictures they take to the highest bidder. [IMDb]
• Tommy Hilfiger gives his first on-record comment about his brawl with Axl Rose; the wee designer claims he was merely protecting himself from the inevitable sting of Axl's swinging cornrows. [Lowdown (2nd item)]
• Professional beard Penelope Cruz and Matthew McConaughey end their incomprehensible relationship. Remarkably, the world continues to turn. [People]
• The Phoenix Suns' resident Breck girl Steve Nash denies that he's having an affair with Nelly Furtado. [Page Six]
• Paris Hilton gets just stoned enough to navigate her way through the paparazzi and into da club. [TMZ]
• Tina Brown and Harry Evans continue to vigilantly defend their 6-inch garden wall from evil developers, who threaten to forever destroy their spring party-planning. [R&M (2nd item)]
• Dan Rather once said his 60 Minutes colleague Morley Safer should be "shot dead" over a crackling hickory fire that's hotter than the devil's anvil. [Page Six]

• Is this man the Julio who Anderson Cooper keeps so very near and dear to his heart/pants? We can't confirm, but he certainly looks tailored to Anderson's rumored tastes. And he's only 25, which means he's obedient. [Eff Anderson]
• If you want to verify the status of his lover, you could just ask Anderson himself: he'll be doing a signing on June 19th at noon at the Shops at Columbus Circle, third floor. Clear your schedules now.
• Rachel Weisz gives birth to a baby boy, and absolutely no one gives a fuck. [Us Weekly]
• Josh Hartnett will give you $500 to use your "funky" LES apartment for a photo shoot. Like you wouldn't just do that for free. [Curbed]
• If Manhattan were Chicago, we'd all be a little more fat. [Kottke]
• And in other LES news, it would seem that Jay McInerney's therapist works dangerously close to Fat Baby. [H&G via Eater]
• As of the time of this posting, Greg Gutfeld is leading the poll for best HuffPo contributor by a single vote. Granted, it's actually the only vote, but he's a winner nonetheless! [BigMediaBlog]
• To celebrate the birth of her first biological daughter, Angelina Jolie's lawyers buy baby Shiloh her very own domain name. Beats a silver Tiffany rattle any day. [Defamer]
• Meanwhile, Angelina gets her own verb. To Jolie: to leave your girlfriend for another woman who was supposedly just your friend. As in, "The fucker Jolie'd me." [ONY]

• We really don't want today to end, if only so that everyone can continue to hyper-analyze Katie Couric's insane farewell on the Today show. [BWE]
• A new theory on Brangelina: did she have a C-Section because she didn't want to give baby Shiloh herpes? And did she give herpes to Brad Pitt? Was that how Jen Aniston found out he was cheating? Could we be any more stupid about this whole thing? [OhNoTheyDidn't]
• Martha Stewart puts her Westport, CT home up for sale for a mere $8.9 million. But you'll have to pay extra to have that hideous wallpaper removed. [FishbowlNY]
• In the soft underbellies of New York's hipster havens, there are at least 3 people who don't drink. Granted, you won't see these folks on the Cobrasnake — but dammit, they're out there. [VV]
• Give K-Fed a shower and a comb, and he could be dominating the halls of Goldman Sachs. [Us Weekly]
• Memoirist Augusten Burroughs indulges the girls at Jane with a message board Q&A, wherein we learn that he doesn't know how to spell per se. Not that we should talk, but then again, we have a lot less money and a much bigger chip on our shoulders. [Jane]
• With all these celebrity babies being spit out left and right, a career in child therapy — especially with a Beverly Hills practice — may prove to be very lucrative. [The Letter D]
• During its last launch, Radar housed its visiting web designers at the opulent Hotel Carter. This time around, maybe the Chinatown Best Western? [Flickr]
• Presented without comment, a Vincent Gallo blog. Oh hell, we can't not comment — it's really creepy. [I Blew Vincent Gallo]

• The National Enquirer finds itself getting sued, yet again — but this time it's not Tom Cruise unleashing the lawyers. It's little Lisa Turtle (aka Lark Voorhies), who is suing for unspecified damages after the rag quoted a source as saying she was bipolar and addicted to cocaine. Honestly, she did look a little tweaked when she and Screech did "the sprain" dance. [TMZ]
• Britney Spears suspects hubby K-Fed may be the source of leaks to the tabloids. He may not be the best husband for her, but Federline sure is loyal to America. [Scoop]
• Shiloh Jolie-Pitt's grandfather, Jon Voight, launches a public campaign to see the new baby. Considering his contact with the press was a major reason behind his estrangement with Angelina Jolie, this strikes one as a not-so-good plan. [Lowdown]
• Three Days of Rain may not have been stellar, but was it really so bad as to kick Julia Roberts down to the new face of Avon? [Page Six]
• Nobody's quite sure whether or not Anna Nicole Smith is pregnant, particularly because she's yet to figure out how to pee on a stick. [R&M]
• Details gives a rundown of the city's most hump-friendly public restrooms; the Plumm, Bungalow 8, and Bar 89 make the list. And yet there's no mention of the bathrooms at the Christopher Street Pier. C'mon, Details. We know you know. [Page Six]

If you were out on Saturday night and saw the bright star shining in the north half of the sky you're already aware that the long-prophesized birth of the Brangelina baby has come to pass. Little Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt has "brown hair like her mother and the nose of her father," and the ability to heal lepers with a simple gaze. Creepy Jolie incest-rumor-spawning sibling James Haven was apparently there for the birth, which took place via Caesarean section. Because baby or no, you don't fuck up a million dollar vagina.

• Everything we've ever said about Anna Wintour? Well, we don't take it back — she's still a scary snowlady. But she also took Meryl Streep up on her invite and showed up to a VIP screening of The Devil Wears Prada and managed not to strangle Lauren Weisberger while there. May every woman have such grace and inner strength. [R&M]
• If you want the cover of Vanity Fair, you can't just be hot or an A-lister. You have to rat on something or someone — Nicole Richie lost the cover because she wouldn't discuss much regarding Paris; Vince Vaughn got bumped because he refused to talk about Jennifer Aniston; Britney Spears lost her shot because she wouldn't talk about her marriage. But Anderson Cooper scores the glossy crown because he lets them reprint shit he wrote in his book? [Page Six]
• Unless she pops sometime soon, Angelina Jolie will have labor induced sometime in the first week of June. Start planning your Mr. & Mrs. Smith celebratory viewing party now! [IMDb]
• Incarcerated publicity whore Jason Itzler calls Lloyd Grove, asks to be in the Daily News. Lloyd obliges, revealing that he's nothing more than a gossip with a heart of gold and weakness for pimps. [Lowdown]
• Britney Spears copes with K-Fed by writing poetry. Painful, gut-wrenching, confusing poetry. [Page Six]

Because everyone in Hollywood is a new parent, about to become a parent, or at least biologically capable parenting something, People magazine has decided to spin its celebrity baby scrapbooking service into a seperate venture. You have to admire their genius: upright primates have been breeding for millions of years, but in just five weeks they've declared that babies are HOT right NOW. Next month the mag will hawk a special spin off, creatively titled Celebrity Babies, devoted to the lifestyles of Hollywood parents and keeping you up to speed on this season's sexiest nursing bras. Unfortunately for the people of Namibia, the mag has already closed, meaning that the Jolie-Pitt collaboration won't be featured — but that leaves wide open the possibility for People to mark the birth with a "World's Sexiest Infant" issue.

• Parenting groups zone in on Brad Pitt, who's spotted taking a bike ride in Namibia with a helmet-less baby Zahara riding in a blue papoose strapped around him. Britney Spears is thrilled. [R&M]
• After a fight with Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes flies solo to Ohio to introduce baby Suri to her horrified family and friends. [Scoop]
• The cause of the brawl between Axl Rose and Tommy Hilfiger had nothing to do with Rose dating Hilfiger's brother's ex-wife. No, Axl got clocked because of the usual, inebriated reasons. [Page Six]
• At a charity auction, guest auctioneer Donald Trump yells at a bidder to "put your fucking hand down" and notes that the winner of a vacation package needs to lose 50 or 60 pounds. [Lowdown]
• James Gandolfini acknowledges that he's too old to fight in Iraq, but he'd still go and drive a truck or something. Just don't let him zip around Fallujah on a Vespa — we all know how that'll turn out. [Page Six]
• Complete unconfirmed, but: did Gwen Stefani finally have that damn baby? [Insider Gossip]

• Brad Pitt announces that his baby with Angelina Jolie is "imminent." Really? Did he just figure this out? What tipped him off? Did Zahara tell him? [CNN]
• Former Nanny Fran Drescher tells Howard Stern that she'd love a career in New York politics. Too bad not many people would willingly listen to her while she explained her platform. [Cityrag]
• Times mag on May 7; New Yorker on May 15; the Times today. It's official: the Dog Whisperer is overexposed. [NYT]
• Al Roker goes to Philly and gets a face shot. [Philadelphia Will Do]
• Got a hipster band but no success to speak of? Strong arm your way on the Misshapes playlist with a Joy Division cover. Ian Curtis = cash money. [My Old Kentucky]
• In LA, Madonna kicked off her world tour in fine form: by hanging herself from a giant disco crucifix. Those $400 tickets are going to be worth every penny. [AP]
• Kelly Ripa smells like fish. She won't tell you why, but we've some guesses. Nothing a little Summer's Eve can't fix. [BWE]
• Attention ladies and gays: looking for love? Try riding the subway between 5 and 6 AM, when the male/female ratio is 9:1. [Graphpaper]

• After serving five days in jail rather than do community service for drunk driving in Honolulu, Michelle Rodriguez has been sentenced to 60 days for violating parole on a previous drunk driving incident in LA. She's also been ordered to rehab and must serve 30 days of community service. Clearly, the law is no fan of the way things have been going on Lost. [TMZ]
• Bad news for Brooklyn: Michelle Williams' father, Larry Williams, is in jail on tax evasion charges and stands accused of hiding $1.5 million from Uncle Sam. Which is exactly how he became a financial guru. [Page Six]
• Paris Hilton plays an angry voicemail from Lindsay Lohan for a group of friends, then calls her a cunt." We believe the correct term is firecrotch. [R&M (last item)]
• The ballad of Axl and Tommy continues: while the official line is that Hilfiger punched Axl Rose after Rose moved his drink (presumably so that Rose could take his table), Hilfiger's rage may be heightened by the fact that Rose is dating Diane O'Connor, the ex-wife of Hilfiger's adopted brother, Michael H. [Page Six]
• Namibians want to declare a national holiday on the day that Angelina Jolie gives birth. [MSNBC]
• Socialite Tory Burch's clothing line isn't selling, despite an Oprah endorsement in 2004. Will O save face by frying Burch on an upcoming episode? [Lowdown]

• Ohmahgah, the NEW APPLE STORE WILL OPEN TOMORROW THANK YOU LORD STEVE! Curbed has a sneak peek inside the new 5th Avenue cube, and reportedly the cult leader himself will be present when the store opens. Now wipe that drool off your face and work on losing your virginity. [Apple Insider]
• The Daily Mirror reports that Brangelina have already cut a deal for their forthcoming baby, reportedly to the tune of $4.9 million, all to go to UNICEF. Assuming, for once, that the UK press isn't on crack, we're thinking People won this one. [LSE]
• Lindsay is Biggie, Paris is Tupac, Nicole is Diddy, Mary-Kate is Snoop Dogg...this could go on forever. [BWE]
• State Senator Ada Smith pretends she's Tony Soprano. [The Daily Politics]
• Off the blow (we think), Jay McInerney now has his appetite back. Watch him blog about it, then recoil in horror at his use of "Babbolicious." [H&G]
• ThursGay Styles does it again. [NYT]
• Yesterday we'd thought about making a Heather Mills/missing limb joke, but bit our tongues. It's reassuring to see that the Post, on the other hand, did not. [NYP]
• 10 Things I Hate About Commandments. [You Tube]
• Naomi Campbell takes her abusive parade to Dubai (hey, Vanity Fair said it was hot) for her birthday. She's supposedly rented 18 floors of the Burj al Arab hotel, and she'll be throwing shit on every single one of them. [Made in Brazil]

• Because it's clearly a matter of national import, Freakonomics tackles the issue of Britney Spears. The conclusion: car seats are kind of bad, but Britney's is downright dangerous. [Freakonomics]
• Master publicist Richard Edelman loves the bloggers. If you're not careful, he might snatch you away. [WSJ]
• For you forlorn fans of Arrested Development, there's a chance for happiness at the Bluth family estate sale. [The Real Estate]
• Former Rolling Stone publisher Steve Deluca has a tattoo on his penis. Do you actually want further details? Didn't think so. [Jossip]
• Desperate to save The Bachelor, ABC casts an inbred as the lead. [Popwatch]
• A brief study of trade mags and lazy art departments. [Fishbowl]
• Work for Jon Voight, if only for the chance to be near the man who helped make Brangelina. [Craigslist]

• Harvard sophomore Kaavya Viswanathan gets spanked for plagiarizing her debut novel. Little, Brown enters shame spiral for having given an underage hack a two book, $500K deal — they cope by pulling her bestseller from the shelves.
• People names its "beautiful people" and is rumored to have shelled out some $700K for access to the Brangelina.
• As Rolling Stone's 1,000th issue party draws near, some Wenner proles lament their lack of invites. At least RS staffers scored the golden tickets.
• Rosie O'Donnell is slated to replace Meredith Vieira on The View, ensuring that the show is a must-see for those looking for some morning show bloodlust.
• Time's top dog Jim Kelly may be moving on as early as June. Oh, Santa, please don't go.
• In other speculative job changes, is Lloyd Grove considering ditching the Daily News for the Post and Page Six?
• Thank God it's spring — media softball is back, and just as mandatory as ever.
• You can see Anderson Cooper's memoir, but they'll have to kill you afterwards.
• Gawker mascot Andrew Krucoff gets a new job at the 92nd Street Y, meaning that our consciences may finally rest. For now, anyhow.
• If there's one sort of error from the Post that we can never, ever forgive, it's misreporting the size of Bill Clinton's penis. This is America, people — knowing presidential cock is like knowing the Pledge of Allegiance.

People's 100 Most Beautiful People issue is out — well, not till tomorrow at our local newsstands, but still — and not only is Angelina Jolie named the world's most beautiful person but the "Jolie-Pitt clan" is the world's most beautiful family.

• After a few week or so of silence, Page Six makes a tiny jab back at billionaire Ron Burkle, noting that he "carefully avoided" sitting next to any models at Lionel Richie's concert the other night. Somewhere, a California supermarket spontaneously bursts into flames. [Page Six]
• Katie Holmes has enlisted the help of a service unfortunately called Buff Brides to help her get in shape "post-birth." TMZ also has the exclusives on her wedding dress: it's long and white. Scoop! [TMZ]
• Sienna Miller is dating Argentinean DKNY model Nico Malleville, who apparently does not take to fucking nannies on the pool table. [Gatecrasher (4th item)]
• A man posing as actress Eva Mendes' brother has been rolling around town with limos and models, scamming restaurants and clubs for tens of thousands of dollars. Because a man in a limo claiming to be someone's brother is incredibly clever. [Page Six]
• At Neil Lane in LA, Liev Schreiber reportedly dropped $150K on a 5-carat sparkler for girlfriend Naomi Watts. In an especially cagey denial, his flack says he's never been in that store. [R&M (3rd item)]
• Angelina Jolie is planning to take a full-page ad next week in USA Today that will call for an end to the violence in Darfur. Hopefully this will help everyone forget that her bodyguards are currently bludgeoning half of Namibia. [IMDb]