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Anderson Cooper had the honor of conducting Angelina Jolie's first American interview since giving birth to baby Shiloh, and oh, how we were excited. It was certain to be a night full of gossip and girl talk, laughter and tears. But Coop, love him as we may, is no Barbara Walters. There was no soft lighting, no tears, no hard-hitting questions about Jennifer Aniston. Instead, we were faced unbelievable boredom: two straight hours of Jolie effusively discussing the plight of refugees, her face lighting up with every new country she could name-check. There was no new information (except that Zahara is jealous of the new baby, which is positively earth-shattering).

After the jump, our minute-by-minute play of two hours of profound disappointment.

10:01 Tonight, the journey that brought them together and changed their life — it's the world's most melodramatic intro, most appropriate for Angelina's mission to "SAVE the WORLD...The most famous mother in the world...giving birth for the first time..." Cue exotic bumper music. What, no Ladysmith Black Mambazo?

10:03 SHE SPEAKS. No new-mommy glow, no Britney boobs. Actually, she could use some makeup. Doesn't matter how gorgeous you are — no one can go it on winged eyeliner alone.

10:04 Coop and Angie will waste no time destroying your heartstrings. First up, Sierra Leone. Angelina says it's awful, Anderson really feels her.

10:05 News break. Sorry lady, but your starving refugees are no slaughtered soldiers.

10:17 We're learning to love the "Her Mission & Motherhood" logo and it's ethnic, Print Shop-esque font.

10:18 Anderson says this is airing on CNN International and is being seen in 200 countries. He can barely conceal his erection.

10:19 Rundown of everywhere Angelina has visited, refugee camps galore, children with flies on their faces — the imagery won't stop. If possible, it's making us even less sensitive to the cause.

10:21 She's given a third of her income to refugee causes. "Yeah, well, I have a stupid income for what I do," she explains. Agreed.

10:22 After her initial travels abroad, Angelina had to face a real challenge and go to the Golden Globes. While it may have seemed such a trivial activity, she saw "the human side" of everyone there. Great, a hallucinatory earth mother.

10:24 Oh, Anderson — we're only 24 minutes in and you pulled the cloying Bono comparison. Come now. Need you really give them both such sloppy, blatant head?

10:25 Coop: "I also read, and I hope I'm not being too forward..." Ah, here's the juice, something actually interesting. "...that the UN Declaration of Human Rights is very close to you..." Oh fuck off. Cocktease.

10:27 It's really difficult for Angelina to take a position on the war in Iraq, as the situation doesn't involve adorable, African orphans.

10:33 More exotic intro music, more pictures of Angelina determinedly looking off into the African skyline, more babies with flies on them. Holy shit, this is running two hours?

10:34 Anderson talks about his trip to Niger and how two children he visited died while he was there; the pictures and video he took are the only remaining images of those kids. We're momentarily softened.

10:35 Angelina saw a child die, too. And she won't stop talking about it. Nevermind about that softened thing.

10:36 Anderson cues up footage from Niger. No Angelina, no increasingly irritating winged eyeliner — just sweet, sweet relief.

10:41 It must be contractually obligated that 360 give disturbing stats at every bumper, complete with the UN Commission for Human Rights hotline number. If this doesn't get better, we might have to call.

10:45 Really, we're starting to hate orphans.

10:45 Angelina's adoption spree rundown inevitably leads to our first Shiloh mention. THANK YOU JESUS.

10:46 No, dammit, it's back to Namibia. Shiloh is but an innocent vehicle for the Namibian plight.

10:47 Anderson really wants to know what it's like giving birth, the poor thing. Angelina explains the C-section was because the baby was in breach. No mention of herpes, alas.

10:48 "Next, we'll adopt." Diabolic sunbeams shoot from Angelina's eyes. Is she actually planning it? "Yeah... We don't know which country." Note the "we" — she and Brad aren't just fucking. They're an starving baby rescue team.

10:49 Please, please make the dying baby montage stop. We will never commit a charitable act for so long as we live if the pictures don't stop.

10:53 Uganda offers a "case study" of the magnitude of the problem. Cue correspondent on grainy, live phone-cam.

11:01 Halfway there, gang. Have yourself a tequila shot and chase it with some Robitussin. You've earned it.

11:02 Anderson recaps, replays Angelina's most selfless quote about owing it to refugees to do this interview, despite her exhaustion. She's like their publicity Jesus.

11:03 Oh God — an amputee refugee camp. Make it stop. As if this were a situation where one needs to up the ante.

11:06 Babies blah blah starving blah blah motherhood blah. We're not liking the winged eyeliner, and it looks like her bottom lip is dangerously close to splitting in the middle. We once saw a woman who had a split lip like that on Extreme Makeover.

11:07 Did she just mention the Balkans? Seriously, focus. Pick a continent and stick with it.

11:08 Anderson says a child is orphaned every 14 seconds. You can see the wheels turning in his head.

11:09 It took them this long to get to Darfur. Angelina looks pissed that she's not hit Sudan yet.

11:19 Angelina is now talking about refugee children that have come to the United States. These children, she explains, don't matter nearly as much, as they simply do not lend themselves to dramatic, exotic footage.

11:21 A segment on a shelter for young refugees in Arizona. See? Not exotic. Pathetic, but not exotic.

11:27 Ooh, a commercial for Wordplay.

11:28 This might be the best segment of the entire show: Anderson Cooper reporting from Rwanda in 1994. Floppy, Hugh Grant hair in the early stages of gray. Like a caterpillar becomes a butterfly, this geeky correspondent will someday become the Silver Fox.

11:30 If you thought the amputee refugee camp was bad, now they're showing children in the Congo whose hands and limbs have been cut off by machetes. Our stomach turns, but only because we have to hear Angelina Jolie talk about how awful it is.

11:42 Discussion of Zahara as an AIDS orphan — she's not HIV positive, but if she were, Angelina would've still adopted her. Angelina is just that good. Zahara did, however, have salmonella poisoning. And look how she was saved.

11:44 Now it's just recycled interview clips from the first half of the show. This is officially infuriating.

11:50 First Brad Pitt name-drop: "After the birth of Shiloh, you and Brad Pitt issued a statement..." And that's it. We're back to the lack of medical equipment in Namibia.

11:55 At this point, we're actually relieved to see Dr. Sanjay Gupte.

11:59 It's over. Done. 2 hours, and you've got nothing to show for it but a reinvigorated dislike of Angelina Jolie and a profound disappointment in the Coop. Like he doesn't read Star? Like he doesn't have real questions?