Acting on the orders of President Vladimir Putin, Russian officials destroyed hundreds of tons of banned Western foodstuffs on Thursday, including piles of cheese, pork and peaches, The New York Times reports.

Lindsay McNamara was arrested last month after she walked up to the booth in the lobby of the Framingham, Ma. police station and threw uncooked pieces of sausage and bacon from a Dunkin' Donuts box.

"I'm here to feed the pigs." According to The Boston Globe, that's what a Massachusetts woman said on Friday before throwing a Dunkin' Donuts box full of sausage and bacon at the front desk of the Framingham police station.

Tarnation! Have you tried to buy bacon lately? ("No, I'm a vegetarian," you say... I WISH. Yeah right). Damn! That pig meat is expensive as all get out these days!

It is in the face of death that we all learn what we are truly made of. If you were, for example, a pig being taken to slaughter, would you attempt to jump from the truck as it speeds down the highway, the driver salivating just at the thought of you being turned into bacon? Or would you embrace death, letting those final moments of life wash over you and calm you before your throat is slit? One brave pig dared to jump.

Just as Moses parted the Red Sea, a man with only a serrated knife and a spatula pulled apart a log of glossy animal innards to reveal the stuffed detritus of several other animals, like if only one section of your thigh was removed, making a stump on both ends, spackled with goo and blood.

Police say they arrested a Utah woman named Crispi for trying to burn her ex-boyfriend's house down with a flaming pile of bacon.

Philadelphia-area minor league baseball team the Lehigh Valley IronPigs (one word, for some reason) unveiled their new gear for the spring season and its emblazoned with a food that Americans cannot stop inhaling into our mouth-holes. Oh yeah, it's your friend, your good friend, bacon.

'Tis the season for bacon-flavored candy canes.

After years of listening to centenarians rave about the wonders of Greek yogurt and steam rooms one little (really) old lady has finally conceded that life's only true fountain of youth is bacon.

Wild pigs by the millions are taking over the planet, choking out native species and decimating natural ecosystems. Brooklyn better diversify its palate toward feral bacon, or else!

While Bill Gates was offering a small fortune for a condom that "feels good," the bro-y entrepreneurs at J & D's were busy creating a condom that tastes like bacon. What's more, the condoms feature something called "baconlube." If you have any concerns about the quality of these condoms or questions about what exactly "baconlube" is, here you go:

People who consume lots of processed meat run a greater risk of a premature death and are more likely to develop cancer and heart disease, according to a new study. But don't worry! Scientists still say you can eat meat—just no more than one tiny sausage a day.

For all of humanity's greatness—the pyramids, the Hoover Dam, our capacity to love—human beings have proven ourselves quite capable of doing truly disgusting things, also, including waging wars, acting upon greed, and wearing those godforsaken toe shoes. In an effort to build a more just, rational, and aesthetically pleasing future, here is a list of 22 things Gawker is banning in 2013. At the stroke of midnight on December 31, be sure to either immediately stop doing the actions listed here, or, if it's an object that's being banned, a toe shoe, perhaps, incinerate it in a trash can. The civilized world thanks you!

After British reports of upcoming bacon shortages last month led people whose whole identity is defined by the fact that they enjoy bacon and even sometimes consume it in unexpected ways -like chopped into tiny pieces and inserted into a chocolate bar- to begin selling off choice plots in the family cemetery lot in exchange for packages of frozen hog hash, American agricultural economists have stepped forward to soothe us all.

The impending global pork shortage first reported two weeks ago is now "unavoidable," according to a press release from Britain's National Pig Association.

It's a fairly well-established fact that few things in life are better than bacon.

Slater's 50/50 is a trinity of Southern California burger joints best known for its eponymous 50/50 burger: 50% ground beef, 50% ground bacon.

The good-natured doofuses from that remedial nighttime math class you took sophomore year, Burger King, have unveiled summer's latest punch line: a sundae that is both filled and garnished with bacon: "The Bacon Sundae."

I've dicked around on Twitter long enough to be able to have a composite persona of it in my head. If Twitter were a person, it would look like a hipster and it would like hipster music, but it would fucking HATE hipsters. It would be socially liberal, but it would totally respect Ron Paul for being genuine about his nutjob views. It would constantly be arguing with itself as to whether or not it liked watching "Girls." And it would come after you with a claw hammer to the face if you dared to rail against the following subjects.