Heartache for cougars and admirers-of-cougars: Following a rumored marriage retreat at ex-husband Bruce Willis' vacation home, Demi Moore has announced she is divorcing cheating husband Ashton Kutcher.

Facebook is reportedly about to get a slap on the wrist from the federal government for its huge privacy scandal of 2009 and 2010, in which it forced into public view people's once private lists of friends and interests, then made people bend over backward to re-privatize their information. Why isn't the Federal Trade Commission as outraged as privacy groups or the many, many furious Facebook users? Good question!

The gut-wrenching Penn State child sex abuse scandal has one, minuscule silver lining. It got stupid Ashton Kutcher to shut up on Twitter for a while.

After much berating, the Kardashian klan kracks and starts telling lies. Lindsay Lohan returns to court. Hugh Grant has a baby after a "fleeting affair" with a mystery woman. Denise Richards and Richie Sambora reunite. Wednesday gossip plays with semantics.

There is simply not enough Ashton Kutcher to go around and the Internet demands more! YouTube is adding 100 channels with exclusive programs featuring the likes of Amy Poehler, Shaquille O'Neal, and yes, Ashtag himself.

LiLo will disrobe for close to $1 million. Demi visits Ashton at work. Christina Hendricks craves things that are "smooth on the tongue." Gisele Bundchen pulls a Gwyneth. Tuesday gossip shakes its moneymaker.

The judge handling the Lindsay Lohan case forces her to clean up after dead bodies. Rihanna settles a lawsuit with the photographer she ripped off. Demi Moore is too damn skinny and Kellan Lutz comes out (as straight). Wednesday's gossip is calling in sick.

Demi Moore wears her ring but walks alone. Soulja Boy ended up in jail last night. Nikki Reed's wedding dress has 100 diamond buttons. Emma Watson returns to college. Tuesday gossip speaks softly and carries precious gems.

Lindsay Lohan heads back to court. George Clooney's girlfriend "debuts" in a see-through dress. Robert Downey Jr. demands forgiveness for Mel Gibson. Monday gossip turns to a life of crime.

Lindsay Lohan's probation is at risk again, but people are mostly worried about her teeth. Ashton's mistress makes a video. Adam Levine is naked, again. Hilary Duff is four months pregnant. Friday gossip wonders if the toothbrushes are better in jail.

Hugh Jackman held a woman in his arms, and it made him pee. Whitney Houston throw a tantrum on an airplane. Hilary Swank "deeply regrets" war criminal fete. Ashton worries about ratings. Thursday gossip is all wet.

Ashton's hot blonde lover tells all. Kristen Stewart says her teachers failed her. Beyonce says her bump is real. Rashida Jones poses in bunny ears and calls penises "unsexy." Wednesday gossip lasts for hours.

Demi and Ashton go camping and yell at a photographer. After occupying Wall Street, Kanye West went shopping. Jessica Simpson rubs her possibly-pregnant belly. Paz de la Huerta considers herself "one of the rare artists that are left." Tuesday gossip atones.

Aniston assaulted a director, but she says he was asking for it. Fart fetishists can't get enough of Nancy Grace. Ashton Kutcher's mistresses poses topless. Demi Moore still wears her wedding ring. Friday gossip returns to the one who hurt it.

Naked hot tub ladies describe their tryst with Ashton Kutcher. Willow Smith collaborates with Nicki Minaj. Jennifer Aniston says there is "no desperation" in her life. Michelle Pfeiffer thinks plastic surgery is "sad." Thursday gossip kisses and tells.

Kristen Stewart instructs an interviewer to google her love life. Rachel Uchitel gets married. Kim Kardashian renews her vows. Blake Lively rides a train with Ryan Reynolds. Kristin Cavallari and Jay Cutler reunite. Wednesday gossip cultivates an air of mystery.

Ashton Kutcher's cheating scandal spirals into group hot tub nudism. Johnny Depp says being photographed "feels like you're being raped." Puff Daddy gets into a nightclub shouting match. Lindsay Lohan forgets her bra. Tuesday gossip promises to repeat.

Jason Biggs' real life is actually sort of like his American Pie life. Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore are getting some Kabbalah Kounseling. And poor Cyclops can't win. Saturday gossip is looking for its daughter, who may or may not be with a goat.

America's saddest divorce has its saddest development yet today. Also: Patrick Schwarzenegger is in trouble, Jack Osbourne is getting hitched, and Rihanna has genitals.

Ashton and Demi face divorce and cheating rumors, while their "other woman" prepares for a payday. Jessica Simpson takes 10 pregnancy tests and considers postponing her wedding. Holly Madison insures her boobs for $1 million. Thursday gossip surveys the wreckage.