Jessica Simpson might be pregnant, unless it's just an unflattering shirt. Demi and Ashton might be breaking up. Lindsay Lohan gets reinvented as "Lyndsy." Nicole Richie's boobs look big. Wednesday gossip is hysterical about pregnancy.

We criticized Details magazine for letting "editor" Ashton Kutcher turn it into a huge brochure for Kutcher's investments. But the actor doesn't always get a free pass from the media: After seeing this shamelessly self promotional laptop in Two And A Half Men, CBS producers banished it from the show.

So 28 million people watched Ashton Kutcher's debut on Two and a Half Men last night, and I was one of those people. And boy was it a harrowing experience.

The cast of Two and a Half Men appeared on tonight's Late Show to present David Letterman's Top 10 list of reasons to still tune in. But as you'll see in this video, Ashton Kutcher sort of seems over it already, so... points at least for being self-aware?

Ashton Kutcher stepped out of his insanely oversized trailer on the Two and a Half Men set tonight for long enough to visit the Late Show. And while most of us aren't the least bit interested in knowing about Kutcher's Charlie Sheen-replacing character—or the details of Sheen's on-screen death—David Letterman nonetheless seemed quite intent on getting him to cough up some details. Video of the interrogation is above.

Ashton Kutcher's editorship of Details was, as we noted yesterday, a brazenly self interested and highly misleading act of journalism. But it may have been a federal crime, too, judging from what the New York Times is reporting.

Not only did Ashton Kutcher pose for the cover of Details' September issue, he also edited a special "online only" version, out today. Turns out Hollywood's prettiest boytoy is one compromised whore of a magazine editor, directing most of his recommendations and profiles to tech companies he's invested in, with nary a word of disclosure. It's shameless even by Condé Nast standards.

Here's the mobile command center from which Ashton Kutcher will shmooze D-list tech moguls and emasculate sex traffickers between takes of Two and a Half Men, the CBS sitcom he agreed to save after star Charlie Sheen accidentally swallowed a softball-sized crack rock and went crazy. If it seems a bit...much, well, you're obviously a Hollywood outsider. 53-foot-long, 1,100-square-foot "rolling estates" are de rigueur among top-tier television stars. Of course, not all of them are custom outfitted with a Kabbalahcize studio and 24-hour raw food bar, but Kutcher commands that kind of attention to luxury. [Daily Mail, photo via AndersonMobileEstates.com]

You know that actors, reality show hosts, and network news anchors make tons of cash, right? But just how much do they make? And who makes more than their fellow stars on shows? And why is Ashton Kutcher the highest paid actor on TV? Let's find out.

Brad is afraid Angie will stab him in his sleep. Kelly Rowland has a double nip slip. Kate Gosselin lures a man with cupcakes, and fails. Jennifer Lopez wears four pairs of Spanx at once. Tuesday gossip draws shallow breaths.

Kanye West is running his mouth off again, this time showing some sympathy for the devil. J. Lo and Steven Tyler are fighting about money, Ashton Kutcher is a thief, and Lindsay Lohan finally met someone crazier than her. Monday's gossip is revisionist history.

Emma Watson is spotted kissing her costar. Charlie Sheen is going to die in a "meat explosion." Larry David is more popular with the ladies than Alexander Skarsgard. Sunday gossip doesn't care about its $2 trillion error.

After advocating the end of anonymity, Randi Zuckerberg slipped a bit further into it, leaving her job at Facebook. Let's hope her stock options were vested. Also in today's Valleywag roundup, more Airbnb complaints from readers, Yahoo Mail went down, and Ashton Kutcher was shown up on Twitter.

Phat actress Kirstie Alley has a new TV show in the works, so she is a working actress again! Also today: Saturday Night Live lands some funny hosts, Lauren Ambrose takes a big musical role, and Ashton Kutcher is sad and rich.

Well, OK, it's actually Charlie Sheen's "character" on Two and a Half Men who will be having a televised funeral this fall.

Arnold Schwarzenegger has a very awkward birthday with Maria Shriver. Al Pacino's got family trouble. Ashton Kutcher stole Will Smith's trailer, we think. Yes! It's Sunday gossip.

CBS has released a new poster teasing the revamped, Ashton Kutcher-packed season of Two and a Half Men, and there's something unpleasant about it. All the nakedness, perhaps?

Ashton Kutcher tried to play king of the cool kids at Allen & Co.'s Sun Valley schmoozefest, convening an afterparty of boy wonder internet moguls. Too bad he only got tech's D-list to show up.

Famous Twitter user Ashton Kutcher is extremely upset at the Village Voice. The paper wrote a cover story making fun of him and bashing his anti-sex trafficking efforts. Now he will make sure no company advertises in the paper or on its site, ever.

The LAPD has seized on Los Angeles' most valuable natural resource, celebrities, for help in broadcasting a highway closure. They've reached out to Ashton Kutcher, Demi Moore, Lady Gaga and others to tweet the news.